DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have learned that my grandmother is dying of cancer. She is very dear to me, and her passing will be a major event in my life. Therefore, I would like to honor her by going into formal mourning.

However, I know that mourning etiquette is somewhat complicated, and it differs depending on one's relation to the deceased, so I thought I would ask your expertise.

How long would it be seemly for me to be in mourning? What would be the appropriate clothes/colors for me to wear? Should I also avoid social events and parties for the duration?

I think this will be a real comfort to me when the time comes.

GENTLE READER: Mourning symbols can indeed be comforting, as gestures of piety toward the deceased. They are also useful in signaling others that the mourner is in a delicate emotional state. And this is exactly why they should not be paraded at parties.

Miss Manners assumes that the complicated mourning etiquette to which you refer is the precisely mandated Victorian version, which became so elaborate and ostentatious as to be watered down and then overthrown by subsequent generations.

For a granddaughter, it specified six months in plain black crepe, followed by two or three months of half-mourning in black silk with jet ornaments, followed by one to three months when touches of lavender could be added. A grandson could get away with less time, wearing a black suit with black buttons, a black tie and a black watch chain.

But if all this looked overdone then, it would look ridiculous now. And it would only encourage more people to urge you to "work through your grief." Sober clothes, usually black but sometimes white in summer, with the option of a black armband, and absence from social life other than for ceremonies, constitute dignified modern mourning.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law is getting married for the third time and to a man my husband, her son, does not care for. We bought them a small gift from my mother, father and ourselves as a group. We also bought them a card. Since my husband does not care for his mother's future husband, how should we sign the card? Do you congratulate them and grin?

GENTLE READER: What else were you thinking of writing on the card? "Here's hoping this is not as big a mistake as we know it is"?

Miss Manners is confident that your mother-in-law knows that her son is not rejoicing over this wedding. But she is going ahead with the marriage anyway. A poisoned card is not the way to wish her well, which is what you should be doing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the best answer when someone asks you where you graduated from college and you haven't, but really don't want to answer in a defensive way?

GENTLE READER: "I didn't."

Miss Manners hopes you are not disappointed that she didn't come up with a witty way of saying, "I'm just as smart as you, maybe smarter, even though you went to college and I didn't." That would be defensive.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend and my older sister and I, whose birthdays are only days apart, decided to celebrate together, meaning that a number of the people invited were not in my particular inner circle of friends, but mere acquaintances I know fairly well. During the festivities, my best friend's cousin's new fiancee decided to stop the ongoings and proceeded to announce their engagement, "seeing as almost everyone is here anyway."

I was infuriated. It seems to me that at almost every wedding or other major event, someone makes an announcement, stealing the attention away from the people whose celebration it is. I was equally as upset when, at my sister's wedding, a couple made the point of announcing that it was their wedding anniversary and requested their wedding song and a dance.

Is it just me? I mean, it seems incredibly rude. If you want to celebrate your wedding anniversary, throw your own party. Same goes for your engagement -- have an engagement party, and the attention will be all yours.

One should know better than to do something like that. I may sound bitter and petty, but I rarely spend time with my friends (seeing as I live in another town now), so I want to spend these moments free from the selfishness of others. I guess I'm as selfish as they are. Am I wrong to be upset?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps you had better explain what you mean by others "stopping the ongoings."

Were the three of you blowing out your birthday candles when that young lady cried, "Stop! I just got engaged"? Were your sister and her bridegroom opening the dancing, only to have the other couple instruct the band that as it was their anniversary, their song should be played first?

If not, Miss Manners is puzzled at your fury. Surely the guests at these events did not abandon their interest in the stated occasions. But -- surely -- this does not require focusing unrelieved attention on the principals.

Indeed, it would be selfish to expect guests to refrain from the usual socializing that such events allow. As this brings together relatives and friends who may not often see one another, the exchange of news is bound to take place.

Indeed, there are people who feel honored when others share their birthdays or anniversaries with them, and are themselves the ones to announce such facts. Miss Manners does not require you to do this, but she does want you to stop feeling that you must hoard your guests' attention.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Here in Washington, D.C., I've noticed that it seems to be the custom to stand when bigwigs (Cabinet members, ambassadors) enter the room. But I've always been taught that Americans don't have royalty, and don't need to stand or bow to anyone. Could you resolve this question?

GENTLE READER: Do you not see the difference between up and down? Standing up is a sign of respect; bowing down is a sign of subservience. Miss Manners is shocked when Americans bow or curtsy to foreign royalty, but she does not bristle, as you do, over a mere show of respect.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are the terms "supper" and "dinner" synonyms? Is there a time when supper becomes a dinner or vice versa?

GENTLE READER: It has more to do with what else you are eating that day, although you will be relieved to hear that no one is checking how often you snack.

Until the latter part of the 19th century, not so long ago in Miss Manners' mind, the main meal was eaten during the day. Then it became fashionable to have the heavy meal at night, so luncheon took the place of dinner, and dinner took the place of supper. Supper was sent away from the table.

But did it slink off to its room? No, it sneaked out to go drinking and dancing. Supper clubs became the rage, for late-night dining and worse. And to this day, meals served late at night and connected with formal occasions, such as balls, are called suppers.

Yet the humbler meaning survives. "We'd love to have you come by for supper" means, "Don't expect a dinner party."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an antiques preservator, and recently single. My ex died in October; I was faithful to her until the end, as she was to me. It was clear that we had too many deep-seated differences to remarry.

But now things are different. I have gone to church with two ladies most all of our lives; we are all in our 50s. But still we really don't know much about each other.

The first lady is my late ex's cousin. I restored a set of living room tables for her, as a gift for the chance to feel her out, so to speak, in her own house. I found that there were family or clan behaviors in her manner that I have a hard time agreeing with.

The second lady I gave a handmade 1930s gate-leg table, in order to have innocent contact with her to see what makes her tick. From the thanks I got from her, she has no earthly idea as to the worth of the table.

I had it appraised at the best consignment shop in town that caters to more high-end customers. I don't know if indeed she does like it or not. Should I tell the worth of it? Suggest she have it appraised herself? Or leave it alone?

GENTLE READER: Please forgive Miss Manners for thinking that this question would turn out to be more interesting than it did. All that intriguing background about your romantic ties, and all you need to know is how to alert someone that your present is worth more than she seems to think.

It's a perfectly legitimate question, and Miss Manners wouldn't have been able to evaluate your prospects for you, anyway.

Of course, no gentleman would tell the price of a present he gave. But you could say, "You might think of insuring that, in which case you should have it appraised."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)