DEAR MISS MANNERS: I teach at a very small school in a relatively close-knit society. As a result, most teachers go together and buy a gift for each of our graduates.

This year we are purchasing each of our 24 graduates a voice-activated iPod shuffle, which is going to cost each of us around $50 -- a little more than we have contributed in years past due to the size of this particular graduating class.

In addition, I receive a graduation invitation from each of my students, whose receptions I dutifully attend, even if for only five minutes before heading to the next one.

My issue is with one invitation I received that included a gift list "for ideas for a graduation gift." Most invitations I receive have gracious notes that say something to the effect of, "Your presence and friendship is the gift we treasure most, so no gifts, please."

I know these people to be kind and well-meaning, but I was appalled at what I perceive to be a distinct lack of class and manners. I am interested in your opinion and advice in handling this.

GENTLE READER: You teachers give the graduates expensive presents? Didn't you just give them an education?

Miss Manners will not say that this led to a sense of entitlement, because that is now rampant everywhere. But it does not seem, at least in this case, to discourage panhandling for more, or even sparing those who give without prompting.

It may be too late for you to generalize this and turn it into a lesson for the graduates. But Miss Manners hopes that the lesson that generosity is not always the best way to teach character will not be lost on you kindhearted teachers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Eulogies have recently been the topic of discussion in our family -- especially who is responsible for writing and/or actually giving the eulogy. I personally do not see the need for them. A funeral is a very difficult place for public speaking, especially when you are close to the deceased (i.e., mother or father).

GENTLE READER: Yes, it is, and therefore it is not the immediate survivors who are expected to deliver eulogies, unless they have volunteered to do so. Their task is to invite others, such as friends and colleagues, who can speak well of different aspects of the deceased's life.

It was not always thus. The "celebration of life" funeral developed when it was no longer common for the deceased to have been well-known enough to the presiding clergy for the eulogy to be left in professional hands.

The newer form is not without hazards. Miss Manners has sat through painful funerals at which the speakers made tasteless jokes or droned on pointlessly, or told self-serving stories to illustrate how highly the person who died had admired them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is one obliged to join a standing ovation? My understanding is that standing ovations are reserved for truly outstanding performances, and that applause while seated will suffice as a show of appreciation for other performances.

However, if one's fellow audience members judge a performance worthy of a standing ovation and rise, is one required to join them? Is it rude to remain seated while others around you are standing?

GENTLE READER: Do you always feel that you have to vote with the majority?

Not a fair question, Miss Manners admits. You vote in private. In public, you want to be polite, surely with her approval.

Aha! Now we are at the heart of the question: Is an ovation a vote, which is to say a sign of high approval of a performance? Or is it a polite gesture, a way of thanking the performers for their efforts, whether or not you thought these were successful?

In theatrical -- and especially musical -- tradition, audience reaction is a judgment, and the standing ovation its most dramatic sign of admiration, short of flinging bouquets or oneself at one's artistic idol. As devoted as Miss Manners is to decorous behavior, she relishes the robust operatic tradition of audience feedback.

But modern American audiences have the notion that wild enthusiasm is owed in return for any effort, and that leaving an auditorium when the piece is over without a huge show of appreciation is like leaving a party without gushing to the hosts.

Not quite. This is true of amateur performances, especially those to which one has been invited by one of the participants. But professionals ought to have the thrill of knowing that a standing ovation is a true triumph. It would be a shame to wake up the next day to find that the same people have posted their dissatisfaction all over the Internet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a beautiful amethyst bracelet and set of earrings as a birthday gift. I remember one of Grandmother Manners' maxims was "Colored stones are vulgar."

Will you please elaborate and provide context for this rule? Does polite society still eschew colored gemstones?

GENTLE READER: It is time to confess that the family suspects our much-beloved Grandmother Manners made that one up.

Of course, we also thought that she made up "A lady never checks her coat at a restaurant," and that obscure rule turned out to be documented in the literature. We may just be bitter about the jewelry we didn't inherit when she condemned it.

Please enjoy your amethysts in good conscience. Miss Manners will square it with Grandmother Manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my daughter married last year, my ex-wife and I both attended. I brought nobody with me, but my ex-wife brought along her current gentleman-friend.

I disregarded it, out of consideration for the Happy Pair, but I considered it rather tacky of my ex-wife to bring her boyfriend to her daughter's wedding, when she was well aware that I would also attend. Am I being unreasonably sensitive?

GENTLE READER: The sensitivity is understandable and blameless. You are raw from the divorce, but managed to behave well.

However, Miss Manners must tell you that it is unreasonable to think that a divorcee will not go on with her life. She has had to tell many a lady to bear up in the presence of her successor.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fortunate enough to be expecting in a few months, and I have a very sweet and generous mother-in-law who would like to throw me a baby shower. (My mother would like to as well, but her finances are tight, so it wouldn't be so bad if she let my MIL take the reins. My mother just threw me a bridal shower two years ago.)

The problem is that my husband comes from a large and traditional Italian family. My mother-in-law has 80 people on her list alone, before my friends or family, and this includes her aunts and her cousins.

Is this customary? I feel as though not only is this too much extended family -- I do not have a relationship with her aunts -- but it's much larger than I would like. I do not enjoy attention in that capacity, and I am not even comfortable accepting gifts from so many people I am not close to.

Additionally, she wants control of the food ... and this definitely means heavy, traditional Italian food on a Sunday at noon.

I don't know where and if to put my foot down. Do I say thanks but no thanks to her offer? Or do I go with it even if it means sacrificing what I would really like?

GENTLE READER: Please allow Miss Manners to tell you what you would really like.

You would really like your baby's paternal relatives to be excited about his or her arrival.

You would really like your very sweet and generous mother-in-law to be happy.

You would really like to have your baby grow up in a warm, extended family, even including great-aunts.

You would really like a heavy midday meal.

Well, maybe not while you're pregnant. But you should get used to the tradition, because your child is going to love going to Nonna's for Sunday dinner.

The one suggestion that Miss Manners has is that you not add your friends to this party. Relatives are not supposed to give showers (a rule that your own family seems to have missed), and that way, it will be just a family party. If your friends want to celebrate with you, they will volunteer to throw their own shower for you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequently dine with a friend and her almost 92-year-old mother. Lately it has become a chore, not a pleasure, as the daughter wants to "correct" her mother on dates and many things that have happened in the past.

From my viewpoint, who is right or wrong is of no consequence. As we age, our memories become somewhat faded, don't they?

But the constant reprimands and spats render me loath to keep meeting them for these occasions. I fear a negative response from either or both of them if I say something constructively in hopes of alleviating the situation. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Not taking sides is a good idea, Miss Manners agrees. But you must know these ladies pretty well by now -- well enough to say, "Would you two fight that out later? I'd like to hear the story."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)