DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is one obliged to join a standing ovation? My understanding is that standing ovations are reserved for truly outstanding performances, and that applause while seated will suffice as a show of appreciation for other performances.

However, if one's fellow audience members judge a performance worthy of a standing ovation and rise, is one required to join them? Is it rude to remain seated while others around you are standing?

GENTLE READER: Do you always feel that you have to vote with the majority?

Not a fair question, Miss Manners admits. You vote in private. In public, you want to be polite, surely with her approval.

Aha! Now we are at the heart of the question: Is an ovation a vote, which is to say a sign of high approval of a performance? Or is it a polite gesture, a way of thanking the performers for their efforts, whether or not you thought these were successful?

In theatrical -- and especially musical -- tradition, audience reaction is a judgment, and the standing ovation its most dramatic sign of admiration, short of flinging bouquets or oneself at one's artistic idol. As devoted as Miss Manners is to decorous behavior, she relishes the robust operatic tradition of audience feedback.

But modern American audiences have the notion that wild enthusiasm is owed in return for any effort, and that leaving an auditorium when the piece is over without a huge show of appreciation is like leaving a party without gushing to the hosts.

Not quite. This is true of amateur performances, especially those to which one has been invited by one of the participants. But professionals ought to have the thrill of knowing that a standing ovation is a true triumph. It would be a shame to wake up the next day to find that the same people have posted their dissatisfaction all over the Internet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a beautiful amethyst bracelet and set of earrings as a birthday gift. I remember one of Grandmother Manners' maxims was "Colored stones are vulgar."

Will you please elaborate and provide context for this rule? Does polite society still eschew colored gemstones?

GENTLE READER: It is time to confess that the family suspects our much-beloved Grandmother Manners made that one up.

Of course, we also thought that she made up "A lady never checks her coat at a restaurant," and that obscure rule turned out to be documented in the literature. We may just be bitter about the jewelry we didn't inherit when she condemned it.

Please enjoy your amethysts in good conscience. Miss Manners will square it with Grandmother Manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my daughter married last year, my ex-wife and I both attended. I brought nobody with me, but my ex-wife brought along her current gentleman-friend.

I disregarded it, out of consideration for the Happy Pair, but I considered it rather tacky of my ex-wife to bring her boyfriend to her daughter's wedding, when she was well aware that I would also attend. Am I being unreasonably sensitive?

GENTLE READER: The sensitivity is understandable and blameless. You are raw from the divorce, but managed to behave well.

However, Miss Manners must tell you that it is unreasonable to think that a divorcee will not go on with her life. She has had to tell many a lady to bear up in the presence of her successor.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fortunate enough to be expecting in a few months, and I have a very sweet and generous mother-in-law who would like to throw me a baby shower. (My mother would like to as well, but her finances are tight, so it wouldn't be so bad if she let my MIL take the reins. My mother just threw me a bridal shower two years ago.)

The problem is that my husband comes from a large and traditional Italian family. My mother-in-law has 80 people on her list alone, before my friends or family, and this includes her aunts and her cousins.

Is this customary? I feel as though not only is this too much extended family -- I do not have a relationship with her aunts -- but it's much larger than I would like. I do not enjoy attention in that capacity, and I am not even comfortable accepting gifts from so many people I am not close to.

Additionally, she wants control of the food ... and this definitely means heavy, traditional Italian food on a Sunday at noon.

I don't know where and if to put my foot down. Do I say thanks but no thanks to her offer? Or do I go with it even if it means sacrificing what I would really like?

GENTLE READER: Please allow Miss Manners to tell you what you would really like.

You would really like your baby's paternal relatives to be excited about his or her arrival.

You would really like your very sweet and generous mother-in-law to be happy.

You would really like to have your baby grow up in a warm, extended family, even including great-aunts.

You would really like a heavy midday meal.

Well, maybe not while you're pregnant. But you should get used to the tradition, because your child is going to love going to Nonna's for Sunday dinner.

The one suggestion that Miss Manners has is that you not add your friends to this party. Relatives are not supposed to give showers (a rule that your own family seems to have missed), and that way, it will be just a family party. If your friends want to celebrate with you, they will volunteer to throw their own shower for you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequently dine with a friend and her almost 92-year-old mother. Lately it has become a chore, not a pleasure, as the daughter wants to "correct" her mother on dates and many things that have happened in the past.

From my viewpoint, who is right or wrong is of no consequence. As we age, our memories become somewhat faded, don't they?

But the constant reprimands and spats render me loath to keep meeting them for these occasions. I fear a negative response from either or both of them if I say something constructively in hopes of alleviating the situation. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Not taking sides is a good idea, Miss Manners agrees. But you must know these ladies pretty well by now -- well enough to say, "Would you two fight that out later? I'd like to hear the story."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My high school did not, as I recall, limit its senior prom to couples, and when I've heard of schools that do, I've always assumed that it was because of mistaken notions of what is traditional at formal dances.

But now I'm wondering if perhaps the high school prom, as opposed to dance parties in general, really did originate as a couples-only event. Could it be true?

GENTLE READER: The traditional formal dance required more gentlemen than ladies, so that there would be a stag line. But then, that was in polite society, which is hardly the way we define high school.

Presumably, schools had more insight than the planners of debutante dances did into how a herd of unfettered stags generally behaves. The couples policy was widespread, although Miss Manners is not aware that it was universal.

But this followed a pattern of socializing -- the date -- that is no longer the general standard. Today's young are more used to going around in groups, which is how many now approach their proms.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is one man's opinion about selecting the engagement ring:

An engagement ring is a gift. By the time one asks someone to be his wife, he should know if she likes gold or white gold. He should also have a good idea if she will say yes. At that point the ring is a gift from him to her.

While I would like her to enjoy it, she will be selecting her own treasures for the rest of her life. This one is from me. If it is not loved because of the stone size or the style, I may have selected the right ring and the wrong wife. The chance of it being ugly are small. (By the way, I have been married more than 40 years.)

GENTLE READER: That couples should know a great deal about each other before they decide to marry, Miss Manners agrees.

But whether the lady prefers yellow or white gold? Really? She knows couples who have been happily married longer than you, of which the husbands would be totally flummoxed if asked such a question about their wives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it considered tacky to place coordinating place mats over a plain tablecloth?

GENTLE READER: These are either/or table coverings, the cloth being the more formal choice. Using both strikes Miss Manners as showing a remarkable lack of faith in the table manners of one's guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I respond to compliments such as, "You are so much better than me at (this)" or "I'm so jealous of your talent"? Saying "thank you" would address the compliment aspect, but neglect the part in which the speaker insults him/herself.

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, the What About Me? compliment. Miss Manners is not fond of it, but the gracious answer it requires is, "Oh, no, you are better at it than I," if that is halfway plausible, or "But you're so good at ..." something else.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)