DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fortunate enough to be expecting in a few months, and I have a very sweet and generous mother-in-law who would like to throw me a baby shower. (My mother would like to as well, but her finances are tight, so it wouldn't be so bad if she let my MIL take the reins. My mother just threw me a bridal shower two years ago.)

The problem is that my husband comes from a large and traditional Italian family. My mother-in-law has 80 people on her list alone, before my friends or family, and this includes her aunts and her cousins.

Is this customary? I feel as though not only is this too much extended family -- I do not have a relationship with her aunts -- but it's much larger than I would like. I do not enjoy attention in that capacity, and I am not even comfortable accepting gifts from so many people I am not close to.

Additionally, she wants control of the food ... and this definitely means heavy, traditional Italian food on a Sunday at noon.

I don't know where and if to put my foot down. Do I say thanks but no thanks to her offer? Or do I go with it even if it means sacrificing what I would really like?

GENTLE READER: Please allow Miss Manners to tell you what you would really like.

You would really like your baby's paternal relatives to be excited about his or her arrival.

You would really like your very sweet and generous mother-in-law to be happy.

You would really like to have your baby grow up in a warm, extended family, even including great-aunts.

You would really like a heavy midday meal.

Well, maybe not while you're pregnant. But you should get used to the tradition, because your child is going to love going to Nonna's for Sunday dinner.

The one suggestion that Miss Manners has is that you not add your friends to this party. Relatives are not supposed to give showers (a rule that your own family seems to have missed), and that way, it will be just a family party. If your friends want to celebrate with you, they will volunteer to throw their own shower for you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequently dine with a friend and her almost 92-year-old mother. Lately it has become a chore, not a pleasure, as the daughter wants to "correct" her mother on dates and many things that have happened in the past.

From my viewpoint, who is right or wrong is of no consequence. As we age, our memories become somewhat faded, don't they?

But the constant reprimands and spats render me loath to keep meeting them for these occasions. I fear a negative response from either or both of them if I say something constructively in hopes of alleviating the situation. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Not taking sides is a good idea, Miss Manners agrees. But you must know these ladies pretty well by now -- well enough to say, "Would you two fight that out later? I'd like to hear the story."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My high school did not, as I recall, limit its senior prom to couples, and when I've heard of schools that do, I've always assumed that it was because of mistaken notions of what is traditional at formal dances.

But now I'm wondering if perhaps the high school prom, as opposed to dance parties in general, really did originate as a couples-only event. Could it be true?

GENTLE READER: The traditional formal dance required more gentlemen than ladies, so that there would be a stag line. But then, that was in polite society, which is hardly the way we define high school.

Presumably, schools had more insight than the planners of debutante dances did into how a herd of unfettered stags generally behaves. The couples policy was widespread, although Miss Manners is not aware that it was universal.

But this followed a pattern of socializing -- the date -- that is no longer the general standard. Today's young are more used to going around in groups, which is how many now approach their proms.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is one man's opinion about selecting the engagement ring:

An engagement ring is a gift. By the time one asks someone to be his wife, he should know if she likes gold or white gold. He should also have a good idea if she will say yes. At that point the ring is a gift from him to her.

While I would like her to enjoy it, she will be selecting her own treasures for the rest of her life. This one is from me. If it is not loved because of the stone size or the style, I may have selected the right ring and the wrong wife. The chance of it being ugly are small. (By the way, I have been married more than 40 years.)

GENTLE READER: That couples should know a great deal about each other before they decide to marry, Miss Manners agrees.

But whether the lady prefers yellow or white gold? Really? She knows couples who have been happily married longer than you, of which the husbands would be totally flummoxed if asked such a question about their wives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it considered tacky to place coordinating place mats over a plain tablecloth?

GENTLE READER: These are either/or table coverings, the cloth being the more formal choice. Using both strikes Miss Manners as showing a remarkable lack of faith in the table manners of one's guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I respond to compliments such as, "You are so much better than me at (this)" or "I'm so jealous of your talent"? Saying "thank you" would address the compliment aspect, but neglect the part in which the speaker insults him/herself.

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, the What About Me? compliment. Miss Manners is not fond of it, but the gracious answer it requires is, "Oh, no, you are better at it than I," if that is halfway plausible, or "But you're so good at ..." something else.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have created a gentle and cordial debate about the use of top sheets: When patterned sheets are used, does the print go face up or down? Since it usually gets covered by a blanket or bedspread, it is not seen. If it gets folded back in front of the pillows, it is usually the hem that shows, and most of the time the sheet and blanket are covered by the pillows and then the spread.

Some say down, so when you are under it you see the print. Why is that important when you're asleep?

GENTLE READER: Do you mean to say that you are able to sleep while displaying the wrong side of the sheet over your blanket cover?

Miss Manners refers you to the cartoon by dear James Thurber, in which a hapless little man wearing a polka-dot pajama top and striped bottoms stands in front of the marital bed, from which his ferocious wife is saying, "Well, it makes a difference to me!"

To ensure a peaceful night for the finicky, a patterned or monogrammed sheet is put face down so that the right side is both toward the sleeper and face up when folded over the other bedclothes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While out to dinner with my girlfriend and her husband, she remarked that she was cold and wished she had brought a jacket. I informed her that I had one in my car and she was welcome to use it.

Who should get the jacket from the car? I told her she could get the jacket since she wanted it -- she said basically that she has done so much for me that it was rude that I expected her to get it herself.

Actual solution: Her husband got the jacket. What is the proper etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Consideration and politeness seem to go only so far in your little group. You offered your jacket but expected to send her out into the cold, coatless, to fetch it. She accepted your offer but felt free to chastise you.

Miss Manners counts only one here with a full set of manners. Any husbands present should have volunteered.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will become a grandfather for the first time and want to know how I handle future Mother's and Father's Days for my son and daughter-in-law. Do I send them cards or not?

GENTLE READER: You can, of course; Miss Manners would never want to discourage good wishes. But it is not an obligation.

Every year, she is horrified to hear from indignant mothers and fathers (well, truthfully, mostly from mothers) who feel that their own parents should pay them obeisance rather than the other way around. Sometimes they expect this of others, as well.

What would be more charming of you would be to address a note to the baby, congratulating her on having such wonderful parents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If one has a dinner engagement at a friend's house, should he call ahead when en route?

GENTLE READER: Yes, if it is to say, "I've been in a small accident, but the hospital promised to release me soon. I'm terribly sorry, and I'll be there, but please start dinner without me."

But not if it is to get your friend out of the kitchen or the bathtub to issue updates on an expected arrival.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)