DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been reading about calling-card protocol in a few dusty old etiquette books and something puzzled me. Several authors writing in different time periods indicated that simpler is better when it came to the style of the calling card; they described using simple text, with the person's name and perhaps an address, being careful to avoid ostentation.

If that is so, why is it that all the surviving Victorian-era calling cards I have seen in antique stores are so outrageous? They have fabric fringes, names hidden underneath little cutouts, poems, photos, riddles, birds, flowers and other embellishments. Some of them even have phrases like "Happy New Year" or "Kind Regards" printed on them. They don't look anything like the simple white cards prescribed.

I know Miss Manners does not generally like preprinted sentiments, so I am curious to know what she makes of all this frippery. Were calls for order and simplicity falling on deaf ears as much then as today? Am I missing all the more plain cards because those were the ones tucked underneath the pillowcase, or is it something else entirely?

GENTLE READER: You may have succumbed to the common delusion that Victorians behaved properly and exhibited impeccable taste. If that were the case, they would not have needed all those etiquette books trying desperately to improve their behavior.

The passing of years does not make the examples you cite, with their fussy decorations and preprinted sentiments, any more acceptable to Miss Manners than to her predecessors. Then, as now -- when the style unfortunately survives on many wedding invitations and business cards -- we urge simplicity and dignity for formal means of communication.

But (sigh) does anyone, in any era, listen?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were at an intimate dinner party (six very close friends). He had a deadline the next morning, yet he kept expecting me, as the wife, to make the move to leave.

While I watched for clues from him, so that I would avoid opening another subject for discussion and, before we arrived, told him I would be doing so, he thinks that it was my place to excuse us.

I disagree. We are all professionals. I have no problem ending an evening when I have an early morning, but he is certain that it is always the woman's role to make the move.

GENTLE READER: How long have you two been married? Miss Manners does not understand how you could hope to have a successful marriage without a social exit strategy.

Gender and professional status have nothing to do with it. Draw lots, if you can't think of any other way to decide who stands up and says, "It's been such a lovely evening."

The important part is that the other person make distinct signals. Raised eyebrows and a pointed look, somewhat disguised from others by a thin smile, mean, "Can we go soon?" When the head is also tilted, it means, "Now? Please?" And when a slight nod is added to that, it means, "Before I say something I'll regret?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are you obligated to have a graduation party for your child in order for your child to receive gifts?

When I graduated high school in 1981, some of my friends had parties, but most did not. All of us still received gifts (usually monetary) from family and friends.

I've now been told that you have to have a graduation party for your child to receive gifts. I personally think it's ridiculous. People now seem insulted if they receive a graduation announcement and are expected to send a small monetary gift if you don't have a party.

I don't think anyone should feel obligated to send a gift, nor should I feel obligated to pay for a party. I always give my children the option of having a party, or they can choose to take the money I would spend on a party and use it for their senior trip. We've never had a lot of money to go on vacations, so I feel this is a fun thing for my kids to do if they would like.

Graduation parties seem to be getting out of hand, like everyone expecting parties every year for their birthday. That didn't happen in my house, either. They each had about four parties, but I don't believe in all these parties and the constant "gimme gimme" attitude of young people.

Am I being rude to send out graduation announcements to family and friends even if I'm not planning on having a party?

GENTLE READER: Graduation parties are indeed getting out of hand. But if you truly want to discourage the "gimme gimme" culture, which Miss Manners considers a noble goal, you should not be speculating about how best to get presents for your child.

It is true that guests are more likely to produce them than those who merely receive announcements. (Actually, neither is obligated; congratulations are all that is required.) But so what?

The decision about giving a party should be based on your and your child's inclinations, your resources, and whether this is something your guests would enjoy, not the expectation of tribute from them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This young man I have feelings for continues to tease me to the point where I feel I must defend myself, so I tease him back.

It turns out that he is very sensitive and takes my teasing very seriously. Three times he has called me a name that is regrettably used quite a lot outside of the kennel.

We are in college and are two out of the five people who have the same major at a music conservatory, so I see him in all my classes and we live rather close in the dorms.

Is it unladylike to tease a young man? Should I apologize and make amends?

GENTLE READER: Should you apologize to someone who has insulted you in vile language, because you trampled on his sensitive feelings?

Please, no. Miss Manners begs you to turn your own sensitive feelings to protect yourself from people who not only make you feel bad, but also make you feel bad about feeling bad.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It has been brought to my attention that if you are to go to someone else's prom, you should wear a less attractive/fancy dress. This is because you would not want to outshine the graduates.

I used to go to this school, and although I have not been there for two years, feel quite comfortable. So now I need your opinion. I can either wear a subtle dress, a fancy cocktail dress or my prom dress from two weeks ago. (I took down all the pictures so that my classmates will not have seen the dress online.)

GENTLE READER: It is not clear to Miss Manners which of your dresses is so dazzling as to be sure of outshining the graduates.

However, your concern is misplaced. The rule is only to respect the general style of the occasion, dressing neither more nor less noticeably formally. Within that limit, you may look as ravishing as nature and art will permit. Others will be the judges of whether you have shone so brightly as to dim all other young ladies present.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have enjoyed being a part of my daughters' weddings, walking them down the aisle and ceremonially "giving them away" to their husbands. The next wedding involves daughter No. 3, who has been living with her husband-to-be for six years.

In discussing the wedding with her, I noted that while I will be happy to be a part of the wedding party, I do not wish to walk her down the aisle. I feel that presenting her to the man with whom she has been living would be a mockery that would make fools of both of us. She agrees.

Both of us will have to answer questions from inquiring wedding guests. Any suggestion for an appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: "We both decided that it would be an anachronism," should do it.

And so it is. Did you really feel that your other daughters were your possessions in the sense that you could give them away?

Granted that this custom is a common feature of modern weddings, Miss Manners hopes that everyone concerned takes it as a charming conceit. It is left over from times when a young lady was under parental protection, jurisdiction and roof until such powers were ceded to another gentleman.

It is not universally used, and Miss Manners would be surprised if it became a topic of wedding conversation. But if you think your guests will compare it to her sisters' weddings and conclude that there must be a quarrel, you should devise a way for the bride to acknowledge you -- and her mother -- perhaps with a kiss as she approaches the altar.

However, it is a bit harsh to call the custom a mockery. The only times it looks a bit foolish are when the bride is given away by someone who never had custody of her -- her young son, for example, or a distant male relative instead of the single mother who reared her.

Miss Manners has even heard of an ex-husband being drafted for the job. That actually does make sense, as he did have her and is now through with her and happy to pass her on, but it is not in the best taste.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)