DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a shower by a group of the groom's mother's lady friends. Apparently it was close to the "small" wedding (three weeks) and the bride and groom could not be home for the shower, as they both work in a city about five hours away.

The invite said that since the couple was unable to attend, the guests would be honoring the mother of the groom by proxy.

Something old or new? Many of my friends in their 50s thought it was strange. I might add, I know only the groom's mother, but not the couple.

I sent a gift card to a nationally known store for more than I would have spent on a shower gift, as I did not expect to be invited to the "small" wedding. That was immaterial, however, as I am more perplexed by the proxy situation.

GENTLE READER: A shower that the guests of honor claim to be too busy to attend is, indeed, new to Miss Manners.

Unfortunately, schemes to acquire goods without exerting oneself on behalf of the donors is not. Guests are often told to bring or buy their own refreshments and address letters of thanks to themselves -- and that's if they are even invited. The virtual shower, meaning a collection of presents unmarred by socializing, is another modern invention. It would seem sufficient to send one's virtual good wishes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a problem responding to acquaintances asking to take food home. This has happened at both board and committee meetings at my home with different people. Hunks of meat and gourmet cookies were requested.

I don't know how to decline what I consider to be rude and a burden on my limited budget. These are NOT my friends or family who would be accommodated, as I would be by them.

Am I being rude? What can I say to discourage this?

GENTLE READER: "Please have your fill while you are here -- I don't do takeout."

What puzzles Miss Manners is that you seem to think that it is all right for friends and relatives to request leftovers that they have not been offered. Hospitality requires providing refreshment to one's guests, not catering their future meals.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I received a small gift and a thank-you note for a personal service I performed, I was unable to thank the individual in person for the gift and wrote a note. Subsequently I was told that thank-you notes are not required when receiving a thank-you gift. Seems to me, I received a gift and should acknowledge it. Please advise as to the correct procedure.

GENTLE READER: Your instincts are better than your advisers'. Whoever told you that has confused the thank-you present with a thank-you letter alone, which does not require a you're-welcome letter.

Or maybe your friends are just trying to drive Miss Manners crazy with their false etiquette pronouncements. No doubt they are the same people who persuade brides to be rude with the ridiculous claim that a year is allowed them between receiving presents and giving thanks.

All presents require immediate thanks, whatever the motive or occasion that prompted them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am seeking a polite, civil, yet firm way to express that a person's opinions and thoughts are unwarranted and unwelcome.

My husband has had full custody of his daughter since the age of 3; she is now 12. Last year, for three months, the child had a trial custody change to her mother's care. The court reversed that decision after "Tammy" provided the child with drinking parties (where minors were getting drunk and making sexual contact with one another).

Tammy is also in the process of being tried on child abuse charges. She is currently allowed two days a month visitation with the child.

My issue arises each visit, when Tammy approaches my husband and me wanting to talk about all sorts of parenting issues that bother her. For example, Tammy feels that the child needs to have her nails manicured at all times; that we should consider taking her out of school if that is the only time the hairstylist has an appointment for a trim (as every six weeks is too infrequent a trim, according to Tammy); and that the child should be allowed a two-piece string bikini of her choosing.

My husband and I try to exit these conversations with, "I'm terribly sorry, but we must get going," so as not to set a bad example of rudeness in front of the child.

Tammy then persists, calling, emailing and text-messaging us daily until we hear her out for what could be hours of conversation because she insists that a 12-year-old should be allowed miniskirts and attendance at parties without adult supervision.

We cannot block Tammy from our phones and email, in case of emergency when she does have the child for a visit. Is there any way, still keeping civil with Tammy, that we can let her know that her thoughts, in the opinion of the courts, the law and ourselves, are rubbish, and we don't wish to waste any more of our lives listening to them?

GENTLE READER: Suppose there were a way -- which there is not -- of politely saying, "Keep your rubbishy thoughts to yourself"?

Are you dealing with someone who would reply: "Oh, I'm so sorry; I didn't mean to bother you -- of course you are right -- so do as you think best, and I won't say another word"?

If your stepdaughter's mother is convicted of child abuse, you may have help in limiting her ability to communicate. It also sounds as if, aside from being annoying, she is actually dangerous enough to children to require you to appeal the decision about even two-day custody.

Miss Manners doubts that anything short of that will work. She is glad to hear that you consider rudeness out of the question, but even firmness would be more likely to antagonize than to deter someone who is not hesitant about making a nuisance of herself.

So you are reduced to deleting emails, answering her calls only when the child is with her, and continuing to rush off. Your real problem will be explaining the mother to the child with tact and compassion.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have encountered the expression "bride-elect" in engagement announcements. It seems to confuse fiancees with politicians.

Where does this expression come from, and is it correct? I now live in Alabama and first encountered the phrase here.

GENTLE READER: The use of the term "elect" to mean someone who was chosen goes back at least as far as the 15th century, when churchmen were sometimes referred to as "the elect of God."

Miss Manners does not take this to mean that God held primaries at which competing candidates put themselves forward, presumably without resorting to name-calling and negative advertisements about their rivals. One can be chosen in different ways.

That a bride was chosen by someone is indisputable, and therefore the term is correct. "Bridegroom-elect" is also correct, as the two presumably chose each other.

You needn't have moved south to encounter this expression. In Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Mikado," Katisha announces herself as the emperor of Japan's "daughter-in-law-elect," although her fiance makes it clear that the choice was not his.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone has passed/died and the family has requested donations to be made, how much time do you have to make those donations?

We have not made ours yet, and the daughter of the deceased continues to ask if our donation has been made. The woman died a month ago. I thought a donation made within three to six months would be OK, but the pressure of these donation efforts has made me uncertain.

GENTLE READER: The only cause for uncertainty that Miss Manners sees in this situation is how long it will be before the bereaved turns you over to a collection agency.

You are under no obligation to pay her for her loss. When donations to a charity are requested in connection with a death, they are only requests, and you needn't comply nor, if you do, follow a particular timetable.

In rare cases in the past, compassionate people might take up a collection to help indigent survivors. Lately, in these unsubtle times, people have begun to ask for money for themselves. Death has joined other major personal events, such as births, graduations and weddings, as yet another fundraising opportunity.

Why others donate to the greedy, rather than the needy, Miss Manners cannot say.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The other day I received a form letter solicitation from a niece presently in college, asking for a contribution on behalf of her school sports team to enable them to go to a national competition. The addressee and signature were hand-entered; the rest boilerplate text.

The quick background is that this niece (and her brother) have never acknowledged receipt nor thanked us for holiday or birthday gifts in the past. Hence, we stopped sending them. That was easy enough, given that their actions bore consequences.

At present, though, there is an active solicitation (generated, no doubt, from whatever address book she uses). Should we contribute a trifle or more out of magnanimity and support for her present endeavor, or should we abide by our past decision?

GENTLE READER: Actions have consequences, Miss Manners agrees. If you respond with a donation, your niece could conclude that her action, of sending an impersonal solicitation for money to people whose generosity she has discourteously ignored, has rewarding consequences.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)