DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always been taught to leave your napkin loosely on the table when you got up or were done with your meal, as only lower classes folded their napkins. My girlfriend, who is of similar upbringing, insists that napkins should be folded. Which is correct?

GENTLE READER: In this apparently upper-class upbringing, was either of you taught the importance of context? (Or that referring to the "lower classes" is -- well, declasse? When used to mean that rich people have manners and poor people don't, it is also inaccurate.) You are both correct or incorrect, depending on the circumstances.

Among those happy few who use cloth napkins routinely, even fewer are quite fortunate enough to have them laundered every day. It was always thus, which is why those lovely old monogrammed silver napkin rings exist to identify each diner's napkin for the next meal. Therefore at family meals, the napkins are neatly folded, including by houseguests.

This is not true for one-occasion meals, such as at parties or restaurants, which is why Miss Manners is bewildered when magazines show formal dinner tables set with napkin rings. Does that mean the guests are never going home -- or at least not until laundry day?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother (newly widowed) is now offended at my sister's fiance and his parents for failing to initiate contact with her after my sister announced her engagement. My mom is insistent that it is the groom's family who should introduce themselves to the bride's family (her) and presumably plan some social gathering (nothing elaborate) to get acquainted.

My other sister and our spouses were wondering what unknown rule of etiquette did we not learn from Mom while growing up. Plus, we secretly think she just made this one up.

GENTLE READER: No, she didn't make it up. That is the rule, although Miss Manners is not surprised that you sisters didn't grow up hearing, "Now, girls, always remember that when you get engaged, be sure it is to a young man whose parents know to call on us first."

It is not, however, a rule that should be applied rigorously. The idea is for the two families to become acquainted, as they will be sharing many occasions. If this begins with one side feeling hurt and the other having no idea why, it will not be pleasant.

You might want to drop the argument, as your newly widowed mother may be feeling vulnerable -- and anyway, you lost. Your sister could ask her fiance to ask his parents to invite her, but if that might cause problems, Miss Manners suggests that your sister and her fiance invite all three parents together themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter-in-law has just asked me to give her a baby shower. She has also sent me a list of those she would like to attend and the ones she does not want to attend, specifically my oldest daughter.

Does any of this seem a little rude? Pretentious? Am I overreacting?

GENTLE READER: Rude? To tell you to honor her and snub your daughter?

Well, yes. Miss Manners suggests telling her that you are flattered at her selecting you, rather than waiting for one of her friends to suggest a shower, but that unfortunately, it is considered very bad manners to give showers for one's relatives.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I accompanied my boyfriend to an inaugural ball where he had many responsibilities and was very busy. In an effort to be supportive, I would sometimes hover near him or walk around the party.

For the majority of the evening, I was neglected. I wasn't introduced to anyone at the reception. And at our dinner table, the other guests were staff members who were also very busy. I introduced myself to a few people, but the party was chaotic and folks were cliquey. Afterward, my boyfriend didn't acknowledge my patience.

Is this what is expected of a supportive partner? To be quiet and understanding? Or should my boyfriend have done more to include me? Should I not go to these events in the future? I think next time, though, I'll be more emotionally prepared for what kind of evening to expect.

GENTLE READER: That would be wise. Once you stop thinking of it as a dance date and start thinking of it as accompanying your beau to work, your expectations will be different. If you can find enjoyment there on your own, and perhaps even be a help to him, you should go; if not, Miss Manners advises you to skip such events.

Whether or not you go, a supportive partner would avoid adding to the on-duty person's responsibilities by being another person to worry about. So if you stay at home, do so cheerfully, asking for a debriefing later; and if you go, be prepared to get around on your own.

While many people attend such events in self-contained cliques, there are always a few wallflower couples. You can spot them darting their eyes around, searching for someone they know, while desperately trying to look as if they are having an animated conversation with each other. They will be grateful if you approach them, and you may meet some interesting people.

A better reward than having your beau thank you for your patience will be his reporting back how charming people say you are.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is now 22 years old and will be graduating from college. Throughout his formative years, his friends always called us Mr. or Mrs. Smith.

However, now most of them are graduating, moving on to full-time jobs, getting married and starting families, etc. At what point do they start calling me by my first name, John, and how do I relay to them that I am comfortable with this new social convention? At this stage in their lives, having seen their many accomplishments to date, I consider them peers.

GENTLE READER: When you ask them. Well, maybe sometime after that, when they get used to the idea.

When properly made, this request is flattering. You should explicitly say, "Now that you are an adult, I wish you would call me John." This will distinguish the compliment from the self-centered requests -- that the formal name "makes me feel old" or the even sillier "Mr. Smith is my father" -- that grown-ups now make to children.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband, who is 20 years my senior, works with a female who is 30 years his junior, and they have developed a "friendship." He tells me that he thinks of her as a daughter; however, they go for a beer every night after work, and this always turns into several beers.

Every time we have a disagreement, he always compares me to her. I have asked him point-blank if he is in love with this person (who, by the way, is also married). He has not said yes, but he has not said no.

They text each other at least 50 times a day. I have asked, to no avail, that they not text on weekends.

Am I the stupid one for wanting to fight for my husband? This woman even bought a secret phone so they can text each other and her husband does not find out.

I know in my own mind that if an affair has not yet happened, it is just a matter of time. How do I know all this? They invited me to have a beer with them, then I realized I was a decoy for them. As I write this, I realize just how dumb I am to stick around.

GENTLE READER: Glad to have been of help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law's mother passed away last year. Her mother's birthday is fast approaching, and I would like to honor her memory by presenting my mother-in-law with a wrist corsage to wear to church on the day. Is this an inappropriate expression of sympathy?

GENTLE READER: Yes. What is your mother-in-law supposed to say when her friends at church giggle and ask her whether she went to a dance the night before?

You are kind to remember the anniversary, but Miss Manners considers it a better idea to send flowers to the house, along with a few lovely words from your husband and you about his grandmother.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a chronic condition that makes the use of some kind of nose-tending a near-constant necessity. Previously I followed my mother's habit of carrying about paper napkins, but after reading you, I purchased a package of plain white cotton handkerchiefs instead.

I like them much more than the paper napkins, and they have many advantages that I'm sure I don't need to enumerate to you. However, I'm still not sure how to use them in polite company.

Around easy friends, I will just turn around and (carefully) blow my nose, but what about more polite company? It is a choice between using my handkerchief or my nose eventually running visibly, and I can't run to the restroom every few minutes.

Please provide some pointers on the best way to dab one's nose in polite company. I had this same dilemma with the paper napkins but never managed to resolve it.

GENTLE READER: Bless you. Not just for switching to handkerchiefs, but for worrying about offending others with your nose-blowing.

Unfortunately, it does, especially at mealtime. Dabbing, in contrast, does not. The difference, Miss Manners gathers, is in the soundtrack. A quiet gesture bringing the handkerchief to blot leaks before they drop, yes; but a honking blow, however satisfying, requires a trip to the bathroom.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)