DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I tell my second cousin (the mother of the groom) that she needs to wear a bra on the wedding day? The bride has come to me and asked me to ask her future mother-in-law to wear one. She never wears one, ever, and it is obvious that she does not.

Should I bring one with me to the wedding and at least make her put it on for photos? I don't want to hurt her feelings and I do want to help out the poor bride. What do I do? Should I be the one to do this? Her son refuses.

GENTLE READER: The spectacle of you dangling a brassiere at the wedding and ordering the bridegroom's mother to go put it on is so delicious that Miss Manners hates to have to kill it. But no, it is not a good idea.

If you are that lady's close friend, as well as her second cousin, perhaps you could ask her, well in advance, to model her dress for you. Then you could say, after the obligatory encouraging compliments, "but I think it's meant to be worn with a bra -- want me to get you one?"

Otherwise, you might consider that there is a reason that the son, who presumably knows her temperament, refuses to have anything to do with the matter. The help you can give is to say to the bride: "Honey, that's just the way she is, and she is going to be your mother-in-law, so you might as well accept her as she is. Anyway, no one is going to be looking at her. They'll all be looking at you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you possibly explain why people don't return phone calls?

When I call with a purpose in mind and ask that they please return my call, I expect an answer. But too often this is not the case. I am not calling just to chitchat; I'm seeking a specific answer. At times I will make a second call with the same result. I should note that I am not online yet.

When asked, "Did you get my recent phone call?" people will just brush it off with a lame, "Oh, I just forgot." How would you respond?

GENTLE READER: By asking how -- in what form -- one could get a prompt response from that person, if that were necessary.

Admittedly, Miss Manners would ask this somewhat coldly, as the response you describe suggests that these people did actually get your telephone messages.

But she is also aware that we are in a peculiar transitional period, when many people have all but abandoned telephoning, even though they carry telephones with them everywhere. They use its other functions to communicate in writing. These are less intrusive and more flexible about time.

When you say you are not online "yet," you are aware that it is necessary -- not, Miss Manners assures you, because you should placate people who ignored messages they received, but simply because it will be easier for you to reach people and get answers.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When people are whispering in hearing distance and you hear your name mentioned, is it acceptable to ask what it is they are talking about?

GENTLE READER: You really should not acknowledge eavesdropping, even on people who are rudely whispering in your presence. But Miss Manners would think it reasonable for you to inquire, "Did you call me? I heard my name."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my friend's birthday party sleepover, a few of her other close friends were also invited, which is good because we are all good friends.

We were talking about the boys we like, and I told my friends, thinking they would keep my secret. I like a boy who goes to the school they go to, which I used to attend.

I am going back next year from the current school I attend. One of my friends who was at the party told me that one of the girls told this boy that I like him and that he doesn't like me.

I am so sad, and I don't know how to go about asking my friend about this.

GENTLE READER: Don't. Not unless you want her to run back to the gentleman in question and say, "She's all upset that I told you."

But don't be upset. All you have to do, when you are back in that school, is to refrain from showing any special interest in him. It is embarrassing enough to a teenage boy to be told by a third party that someone "likes" him -- and you may be sure embarrassment colored his response. But it is positively galling to find that it doesn't seem to be true.

This leaves him wondering: Did she get over me that easily? Was she disillusioned when she saw me up close at school? Is it possible that the whole thing was a hoax and all the girls are laughing at me?"

With all that churning in his mind, you may be sure he is thinking of you. What will come of that, Miss Manners cannot say.

But what should come of the experience for you is the knowledge that if you can't keep your own secrets, you cannot expect others to keep them, either. And anything said in a group might as well be put on the Internet. You are lucky it wasn't.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The other night my husband and I invited another couple out for dinner. When the waitress came to take our order, my husband looked to the wife of the other couple to order first.

I say he should have looked to me, his wife, to order first, as I am the older and I am his wife. He says because we invited them, we defer to them.

I've never heard of that. I think he should defer to me, his wife! We are still fighting about this.

GENTLE READER: And is this increasing his desire to do honor to you?

If it did, Miss Manners fears that it would only incite you to greater rage. That is because the best thing he could do for you would be to protect you from being rude. Polite people defer to their guests, so female guests take precedence over the hostess.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to greet a public figure, say a politician, whom you generally regard as, to put it politely, someone whose intelligence is lacking?

I love my job -- I get to advocate for people with cancer -- but often my place of employment is visited by men and women who hold office but whose views I find absolutely abhorrent, namely those who hold bigoted views on gay men and women.

In the past, I have just hidden in my office until whoever is gone, but I know I cannot get away with this forever. I'm not required to work with them, merely be introduced and exchange a few words.

What is the least amount of civility I am allowed to offer without seeming rude? I don't want to put my colleagues in an awkward spot, and I don't want to offend the visitors, despite their offenses toward others, but I don't wish to be false. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: If this person were a mass murderer, you could refuse to shake hands and stalk off indignantly. For someone you describe as a garden-variety politician lacking in intelligence, Miss Manners considers that to be overkill as well as rude and -- because you would have insulted a visitor to your office -- bad for your career and your cause.

Unless the visitor's staff has done disastrous advance work, there will be enough people who push to greet him or her to make it seem as if you are politely hanging back to give them the chance. If you cannot avoid an introduction, you need say only, "How do you do," remembering not to lift the tone at the end, because it is not a question.

Some might notice the lack of adulation. Others will test your patience by assuming that everyone is fawning, and replying, "Thank you," or even "I appreciate your support." You should not answer back, but withdraw in dignity, with the comfort of knowing that you acted correctly, and perhaps demonstrated to your colleagues why you question the distinguished visitor's intelligence.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a recent visit, my father was extremely unpleasant and made many nasty comments. When I spoke to him the next day, I received this "apology":

"If I was a jerk yesterday, I apologize, but at my age I'm entitled to be a jerk."

Is it me, or is that just an excuse and not a true apology?

GENTLE READER: It is not exactly soaked in remorse, is it? Nor should it fill you with confidence about his behavior in the future.

All the same, you owe your father respect. But you also owe him protection. Therefore, Miss Manners advises sitting down with him and suggesting, in a kindly way, that if he truly feels that he is no longer able to control his impulses, as he presumably did in the past, it may be time for you to take measures, such as handling his financial affairs, to avoid his suffering the consequences.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)