DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm dating a man who has a 17-year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter. I'm planning a surprise 50th birthday party for him. I haven't informed the kids of the party yet.

The guest list comprises generally people 35 years and older -- the honoree's friends and some adult family members who live locally, including his parents. I invited my parents and some of my friends.

I intended this to be our generation with the exception of our parents. I intend on informing the kids of the event, but didn't intend to invite them.

Am I obligated to invite his kids? They are very close to him, but I really don't want to share this particular party with them. We are also planning a family dinner at a restaurant the next day in which the kids will be included.

GENTLE READER: It is a good thing that you enjoy surprises.

Miss Manners believes that you are likely to get some surprises yourself when you explain to the children that you are excluding them on the basis of age, but making an exception for your own parents, and another surprise when the guest of honor finds out.

Instead, you might discourage the children politely by saying, "That's going to be an old people's party, and you're welcome, but I was afraid you'd be bored. The real family party is the dinner."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For English afternoon tea, is there a particular order in displaying the foods, and an eating order on the three-tier server? And what kinds of foods are no-no for English afternoon tea?

GENTLE READER: Afternoon tea consists of three courses -- warm bread, sandwiches and sweets -- and there is indeed a strict order in which they should be eaten. All are put out at the same time, on platters or the three-tiered stand you mention, but if you reach for the plum cake first, Nanny will slap your hand.

Propriety aside (and only cucumber sandwiches could distract Miss Manners from dwelling on propriety), there is no need to rush. The bread can be sweetened with jam and, if it is in the form of scones, topped with clotted cream. Then there are those tiny, crustless sandwiches. Finally, the cookies or miniature pastries or thin slices of cake.

Many subtle variations are made on these three categories, so it is a bit hard to say what would be out of place. Afternoon tea is not supposed to substitute for a meal -- that would be high tea, the name of which is often misapplied to the tea you mean -- so nothing substantial is served. And nothing that is messy or awkward to eat. Miss Manners would not advise putting out a platter of barbecued ribs, for example.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is getting married this summer. He is looking at black and red, but I say it is for winter and evening.

GENTLE READER: Surely you mean that he is reading "The Red and the Black" by our dear Stendhal, in which case Miss Manners has to agree that it will not put him into the proper frame of mind for marriage.

You could not be referring to his wardrobe, because a bridegroom wears only black and white evening clothes or, for a less formal wedding, a blue suit.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Nice people tell Miss Manners that they simply cannot believe it. Her often-stated lament that we have turned into a nation of beggars -- beggars who are far from destitute, but are trolling for luxuries -- is not their experience.

Well, yes, someone will recall, there was that wedding invitation from a distant cousin accompanied by a request to contribute money to help them buy a house. But that branch of the family never did know how to behave.

And there was the neighbor's son who sent out emails asking for sponsors so he could buy a car. But he was only a teenager, and his parents couldn't have known he was doing this.

Oh, and the colleague who asked for money to buy his wife a special birthday present. He has a high-paying job, but he probably has problems we don't know about.

There is a simpler explanation for all of these incidents and the huge number of similar ones being reported to Miss Manners every day. It is that people no longer plan in terms of luxuries they can afford or save to buy, but of what they want now, and they are shameless about asking others to pay.

A brief sample from her mailbox:

-- "Help me! I am 10 years old and I don't want to go to the library to check out books. But it is too expensive to buy an electronic book reader. What should I do to get it?"

-- "My nephew posted on Facebook that he was more than disappointed that he didn't get wedding gifts and how people came to the reception and HE paid for their meal so they got a free ride. He also posted that because of people not giving him money, he doesn't have enough to go on his honeymoon. He then requested donations! He and his new wife were really trashing people for not giving a gift and how broke they are now. What's amazing (well, not really) is that he never sent thank-you cards to the people who did give."

-- "My son is a college student and is saving to travel to Germany in the summer so he can visit a friend. Is it polite to let friends and family know that he is saving for a trip? And if it is, how is the best way to do it. By email? Facebook? Phone call? Or handwritten letter?"

-- "I was invited to the birthday party of a 6-year-old family member. I received an invitation by email and was asked to bring money as a gift. What do you think about this? I thought it was rude, and I am not attending at all."

-- "My husband's nephew will be making his confirmation today and all that has been mentioned is the amount of money to give, which I find crass and offensive."

-- "I received a group email regarding a pregnancy meal planning schedule. The young daughter of one of my friends is having a baby and wants everyone to sign up to bring meals or gift certificates for restaurants in our area. The request was for homemade dinners with likes and dislikes listed, restaurants that the couple frequents or gift certificates."

-- "In the past year, three different couples have sent me 'solicitation' letters for money to go toward the adoption of a new baby.

"Miss Manners, I was under the impression that becoming parents was a decision between spouses and their Creator, not a community service project that required donations from outside parties. While in some cases it may 'take a village to raise a child,' I certainly don't believe the village is responsible for the funding of the project.

"I know people, all too well, who delayed, sacrificed and saved to have a family. We all know the people who have worked two jobs, put off an education and made numerous untold sacrifices to become parents, without the 'community' becoming involved in their parenting efforts. Not to mention the people I know who have spent countless dollars on infertility treatments in the struggle."

Miss Manners knows people like that, too. They are the ones who say it cannot possibly be true that traditionally proud Americans no longer believe that asking for handouts is the last desperate and humiliating resort of the destitute.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine is due to have a civil trial fairly soon. Neither he nor I believe the charges against him are true. I want to send him a note wishing him the best during the trial, but given the serious nature of the event, I feel "good luck" is too cheerful. What is an appropriate thing to say to him?

GENTLE READER: Well, yes, "good luck" does sound a bit as if luck is what it will take to resolve the issue. Miss Manners would think that "You are obviously not at fault, and surely anyone can see that" would be more gratifying.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my elderly neighbors uses paper plates in her home because she thinks it's convenient and she doesn't want to wash dishes. I'm a staunch environmentalist at heart and always use ceramic plates in my home. I think paper plates are a waste of money and bad for the environment.

In addition, I was taught by my parents that when people come over, one should show great hospitality by using a cup, saucer and dessert plate (in the following case).

My neighbor came to my place one night, and we had coffee and cookies. She made a comment that I used too many ceramic plates. I didn't say anything. What do I say in this situation? Do I just say that's how I was raised and leave out the part about the environment? She's so set in her ways.

GENTLE READER: It is all very well for her to be set in her ways, but she also seems to be set on getting in your way.

To invoke your upbringing would be to imply superiority to hers and open a discussion about flexibility for the sake of environmental concerns. It would be better to say, "Well, Emmeline, you do things your way and I do things my way. But that doesn't mean we can't be friends."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are having a church wedding that can accommodate many guests, but our reception is limited to 100 guests.

I want to send out two different sets of invitations, one set for wedding-only guests that will make no mention of any reception, and one for the wedding/reception guests that will obviously give all the information.

I have read mixed reviews on whether this is appropriate. However, I would rather take the chance of offending someone by inviting them to the wedding only, than not inviting them at all because I couldn't accommodate them at the reception.

GENTLE READER: There is tradition behind that idea. There is even a proper form: The invitation is to the wedding only, and a separate card for the reception is enclosed -- or not.

Miss Manners, Guardian of Tradition, begs you not to do this. It was a bad tradition, clearly separating the A list from the B list. You are mistaken that it would not be offensive to be asked to witness your marriage but not to celebrate it with you. The scene on the church steps, when some people realized that others were off to enjoy champagne while they were dismissed, would not be pretty.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)