DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine is due to have a civil trial fairly soon. Neither he nor I believe the charges against him are true. I want to send him a note wishing him the best during the trial, but given the serious nature of the event, I feel "good luck" is too cheerful. What is an appropriate thing to say to him?

GENTLE READER: Well, yes, "good luck" does sound a bit as if luck is what it will take to resolve the issue. Miss Manners would think that "You are obviously not at fault, and surely anyone can see that" would be more gratifying.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my elderly neighbors uses paper plates in her home because she thinks it's convenient and she doesn't want to wash dishes. I'm a staunch environmentalist at heart and always use ceramic plates in my home. I think paper plates are a waste of money and bad for the environment.

In addition, I was taught by my parents that when people come over, one should show great hospitality by using a cup, saucer and dessert plate (in the following case).

My neighbor came to my place one night, and we had coffee and cookies. She made a comment that I used too many ceramic plates. I didn't say anything. What do I say in this situation? Do I just say that's how I was raised and leave out the part about the environment? She's so set in her ways.

GENTLE READER: It is all very well for her to be set in her ways, but she also seems to be set on getting in your way.

To invoke your upbringing would be to imply superiority to hers and open a discussion about flexibility for the sake of environmental concerns. It would be better to say, "Well, Emmeline, you do things your way and I do things my way. But that doesn't mean we can't be friends."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are having a church wedding that can accommodate many guests, but our reception is limited to 100 guests.

I want to send out two different sets of invitations, one set for wedding-only guests that will make no mention of any reception, and one for the wedding/reception guests that will obviously give all the information.

I have read mixed reviews on whether this is appropriate. However, I would rather take the chance of offending someone by inviting them to the wedding only, than not inviting them at all because I couldn't accommodate them at the reception.

GENTLE READER: There is tradition behind that idea. There is even a proper form: The invitation is to the wedding only, and a separate card for the reception is enclosed -- or not.

Miss Manners, Guardian of Tradition, begs you not to do this. It was a bad tradition, clearly separating the A list from the B list. You are mistaken that it would not be offensive to be asked to witness your marriage but not to celebrate it with you. The scene on the church steps, when some people realized that others were off to enjoy champagne while they were dismissed, would not be pretty.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I go to his ex-wife's home to visit his children, she likes to tell me stories of his supposed infidelities during their marriage.

I don't know what to say, so I say nothing. We go to her home because she does not want the children to stay with us. The oldest child told her mother that she wanted me for her mother. This upset the mother.

My husband doesn't want to start trouble, so he does what she wants. How do I handle this?

GENTLE READER: You are handling it by not reacting, but Miss Manners supposes that you want to get her to stop. Then say sympathetically, "Well, then, I'm lucky I got him after he sowed his wild oats."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 23 years old, just graduated college and have a full-time job at a great company. I have a strong work ethic and worked hard to get here, but I still count myself very lucky, considering today's economy.

I also have a boyfriend. He is truly a wonderful person with a good heart, and we have a deep emotional connection and an adventurous love.

However, recently during an extensive conversation, he told me the following: "Sometimes I feel like the success of your career will be more important to you than your relationships. ... I'm not saying I want a housewife in 30 years, but I just don't want my kids' mother jet-setting around the country, missing out on their lives."

I was hurt because he brought up my grand ideas, saying that although a lot of them are exciting, with these things he didn't think I would be able to fit him into my life.

Honestly, at the end of the day, family, love and friends trump all. But I certainly deserve the right to dream and the right for those dreams to come true. Now, when I tell him that, he says he completely understands and wants me to be happy and wants the best for me -- but we might need different things.

Do I need to "choose" between being the modern woman or accepting traditionalism? How do I even figure out which it is that I want to be, and if it's a mix of both, how do I find that balance?

Or, is he right? Do we simply need different things?

You know the drill ... I feel, so often, that we are perfectly in tune; it's as if we invented love. But being realistic, I wonder -- is it worth it?

GENTLE READER: Fortunately, this is an etiquette column, so Miss Manners doesn't have to weigh your romance, which an outsider cannot do anyway, nor enter into the question of how to balance work and family, for which there is no one-size-fits-all solution.

The etiquette question -- and it is an important one, as you are presuming eventual marriage -- is whether he will treat you with the respect and trust necessary for a good partnership, and which you are presumably prepared to grant him. Miss Manners suggests continuing to discuss his concerns about those hypothetical children to find out what limits he expects to put on his own dreams for their sake.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a male acquaintance who has tried to get me into private and intimate situations, despite my saying "no" many, many times. I constantly hear stories from my female friends about men continuing to throw themselves at them, no matter how many times these ladies say they are not interested. In these cases, the young men are not asking us out on dates; they are asking us to engage in casual sexual activities.

I do not think these men are trying to sexually harass us, although we do feel sexually harassed. These men are simply used to young women being willing to engage in casual sexual encounters with them.

However, my close friends and I are ladies of propriety and do not desire these advances. In my own experience, when I have responded with a polite "No, thank you," the young man chuckles indulgently. I believe he thinks I am playing hard-to-get and want to be pursued with more determination. He genuinely does not understand that I am not playing a game. I simply do not desire his amorous advances.

I want him to take his answer like a gentleman. When an increasingly stern "No, thank you" is not working, what is a young lady to say that will stop his undesired attention?

GENTLE READER: "No, thank you" is the proper response for declining a cup of tea or some other gracious or benevolent offer. It is not the proper response to a lewd proposition. Even to Miss Manners' sympathetic ears, it sounds as if you are grateful to have been asked.

The proper response is, "How dare you!"

Now stop giggling. The reason this amuses you is that you don't blame those who ask because their propositions are sometimes accepted. In that case, you should not be insulted, as perhaps you are not. You complain only of the repetition, as if this is equivalent to the annoyance of a host who keeps pressing you to take a cookie after you have declined.

Miss Manners suggests that you pay more attention to your feelings of being sexually harassed. Consider whether the assumption that you, who consider yourself a lady of propriety, will engage in sex with anyone who asks -- to the extent that your refusals could not possibly be serious -- constitutes an insult.

Then respond to it as an insult.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I moved from New York to Florida for several unhappy reasons and not a single happy one. People I meet naturally ask, "What brings you to Florida?"

I realize they are simply expressing interest in me and demonstrating a desire to chat, both of which are very kind and welcome.

Talking about myself and my reasons for this somewhat traumatic move depresses me greatly at this point, however. I don't wish to lie, but I also don't wish to talk about my sorry life as it is right now. I've no idea what to say that encourages conversation, but discourages the topic of why I moved.

GENTLE READER: As you recognize, these people just want to chat. It is not a legal deposition, where you must tell the whole truth, so you don't need to give a literal answer to the question as long as you offer material for a chat. Miss Manners suggests, "I heard the weather was always calm," which can lead to a nice discussion about hurricanes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)