DEAR MISS MANNERS: My oldest son started university this year at one of the top schools in the country -- which also happens to be on the other side of the country. I have lost count of the number of people who, after initiating a conversation in which they ask after him, wanting to know where he is studying, have remarked, "Wow, that's about as far away from home as he could get!"

I feel pretty sure that my son decided upon this school because it represented the opportunity of a lifetime; however, after so many responses of this ilk, even I am beginning to wonder.

Only time will tell, I guess, but in the meantime do you have any suggestions for how I might respond? I have tried to be gracious and not defensive, but I'm beginning to lose my sense of humor about this.

GENTLE READER: There is no call to take this personally. Americans automatically assume that children can't bear to be with their parents, which has always struck Miss Manners as both peculiar and distasteful. Worse, there are now parents who -- perhaps to head off this unflattering assumption -- declare how happy they are to have empty nests.

Refuting the charge would indeed sound weak. Rather, you should show that the notion that your son's educational motive was to escape you is so far from true that you don't even understand the charge. With just a touch of sadness, you could say: "Yes, we both realized that is a disadvantage. But after all, it's the best school for what he wants to do."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was told that at a nice restaurant, a man should place his date's napkin on her lap. Is this proper?

GENTLE READER: Not if she is of legal age and capable of doing it for herself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently invited two old friends of mine to dinner so they could meet each other. I thought they would have a lot in common, and they do. They hit it off famously. Since the dinner, I have found out they have gotten together -- sans moi -- and I feel just the slightest twinge of jealousy.

In the past, I have heard other friends worry about this happening when they introduced friends to friends, and I always thought it was a silly concern, believing there was enough love to go around for everyone. Now that I am experiencing it, it doesn't feel so good.

My question, oh wise one, is whether I should have been included at a subsequent meeting (at least the initial one) they had after the dinner to recognize my connection to them both, or not?

GENTLE READER: If you are talking about a guest who gave a subsequent dinner party and included the new acquaintance but not you, Miss Manners would agree. But that part about hitting it off famously makes her suspect that a romance was intended and might be achieved.

Perhaps not, though, if they have to entertain you first. Give them a bit of time and privacy, and they may thank you all the more.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How strict is the rule that a gentleman never tells, and how categorically does it apply?

Naturally, it's gauche to discuss your sex life with strangers and casual acquaintances. But can one have a (sexual) confidante?

Here's my situation: I'm a newly single 30-year-old man after a six-year slog. I'm enjoying dating around, and I'm doing my best to approach my new relationships with respect and maturity.

My friend M---- and I were never close when we lived in the same city, but we've developed a stronger friendship over Facebook. We chat, we flirt, we joke about how it would be fun if we lived in the same city. (We're 600 miles apart, in different countries.)

She's also my sexual confidante. We talk -- graphically -- about our sex lives, encourage each other when we're feeling low, help each other avoid people who don't make us happy, and also talk a lot about our desires and how they may or may not be fulfilled by our current sexual partners. It's generally graphic and unfiltered, and also with sufficient personal identifying information that we don't protect the anonymity of our partners between us.

I don't really discuss my sex life explicitly with my close male friends, except perhaps to occasionally gloat that I'm happy with how it's going.

Am I violating a rule of etiquette by talking in detail with M----? If so, please elaborate. She's the sole person with whom I really run my mouth.

In general, how does etiquette apply differently to keeping a confidante?

GENTLE READER: In general, etiquette has an absolute rule against gossiping. Absolutely no one obeys it.

Therefore, the idea is not to get caught, especially on matters that violate the privacy or dignity of others, and most especially in intimate situations that presuppose mutual trust.

So how likely is it that your confidences will be revealed and hurt others?

Miss Manners supposes that you feel reassured that your friend lives 600 miles away in a different country, so she is not likely to see the same people you do, and that she confides in you, so it is in her interest to keep your trust.

But does she have other confidantes? And is she under the common delusion that nobody in public crowds is listening or would recognize names? How much of this did you put on Facebook, under the delusion that it will be kept private?

Miss Manners can't answer these questions, and neither can you. She can only tell you that if nothing leaks out, you can congratulate yourself on having a loyal confidante. If it does get out, you can consider yourself a cad.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I address a letter to The Honorable James Smith and Mrs. James Smith? Do I address the letter as The Honorable and Mrs. James Smith?

GENTLE READER: Not quite. Honorable he may be, but Miss Manners reminds you that he still needs a name. And you need three lines:

The Honorable

John Smith

and Mrs. Smith.

So you don't need "Mr." and you don't need to repeat "James." The form easily accommodates a lady who uses a different name. If she were the one who is, or was, a high government official, it would be:

The Honorable

Bettina Smith

and Mr. James Smith.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is a problem for the cosmopolitan multiethnic set:

I am a multilingual person who has lived in four continents, only recently back in the United States. In the U.S., I frequently meet first-generation Americans who mispronounce their own names. This is, of course, part of the American ethnic experience, where minorities with complicated names simply adjust and butcher their monikers for the majority's comfort.

As someone who can speak the relevant languages and thus know how to say the names properly, do I refer to these persons as their names should be said? Or do I defer to the majority, and distort the names as they do?

This is complicated, additionally, by the fact that, if a first-generation person has a strong American accent, sometimes he/she genuinely cannot pronounce the name that his/her parents bestowed. Does etiquette explain what is helpful and what is obnoxious in this instance?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette does indeed consider it obnoxious to mispronounce people's names deliberately. That is what you would be doing if you did not use the pronunciation that the holder of the name uses.

Miss Manners wonders how you imagine it might be helpful. That upon hearing this, a new acquaintance would run home and say, "Pa, you've been saying our name wrong"?

What you can do is to say something nice about the name and then comment on how it would be said in its country of origin. But she suggests caution -- surely as a linguist, you are aware that pronunciations vary over time and by region.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an independent mom who has not dated, nor introduced my daughter to, a man of interest in my life. I'm currently seeing a man I'd like to attempt getting to know better.

We've known each other for three years and have been "having fun" for the past two. Things are beginning to get a bit more serious, and I feel that it's time to involve my daughter.

What is the right time/way to do this? We aren't in a "relationship" per se; we're just getting to know each other better. But I feel he has to know her, and her him, before we can really get serious.

Do I introduce him as a friend? I worry that it will send the wrong message if she sees us in a "loving" way later. I'm probably overanalyzing this, but this is a very big step for me, and I want to be sure I do it right, and send my daughter the right message. He also has a son he sees every other weekend that I'll ask the same advice on.

GENTLE READER: Putting aside the issue of "having fun" (which Miss Manners doesn't need to know any more than your daughter does), two people are respectably known as friends unless they should become engaged or otherwise go public as a couple.

That sometimes happens, as it is safe for your daughter to know. Becoming friends before proceeding to courtship is even a good lesson for her to learn. If and when you and the gentleman decide to become a serious couple, you can explain that to her. Before, it would be discreet to keep the "loving" or "fun" part of your friendship private.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)