DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just returned home from spending a few days with my son (36) and daughter-in-law (34). They live in a medium-sized city about three hours away. My DIL's mother has been gone for 15 years, so I sometimes try to give her advice to help her.

It seems this has not been appreciated. I disagreed with their decision to move away from their hometown, but they had repeatedly invited me to come, so I did.

The guest room, as well as the entire house, was oddly decorated -- she likes nontraditional colors for walls and furniture. None of the linens that I was to use, though of admittedly nice quality, matched each other, and my DIL painted the guest room walls a pale green, a color I do not enjoy.

My DIL is a tall girl and often wears heels, and even though I said it was inappropriate, she just smiled and changed the subject but did not change her shoes.

They offered to take me to museums or shops or local sites of interest, but they didn't even have a specific activity planned -- my son said it was because they wanted to take me to do whatever I chose. They took me to dinner once, and they cooked dinner for me the next night.

I sat them down and said it was clear they did not really want me to visit, and my son actually said they had worked hard to make me comfortable and that they had hoped this would be a fun visit. But the whole time, my DIL said nothing, but had the nerve to look surprised.

Then my son said that if all I wanted to do was criticize, then maybe I should not come back.

I cannot believe that a girl I have cared for has turned my son against me, and I am at a loss at how I should deal with her in the future. She had the gall to tear up during the discussion, as if to make my son feel bad for her!

I do want to see my son, but I don't want to be manipulated or disrespected. I am their elder, after all, but none of my suggestions are heeded, and my comfort is apparently an afterthought.

GENTLE READER: So you are the one responsible for giving mothers-in-law such a bad name!

Miss Manners always wondered why so much venom is directed against ladies who are, after all, somewhat responsible for producing a presumably beloved spouse. Now she knows.

Would you like to have a houseguest who sneers at your taste in decorating and clothing, who considers it an effrontery to be offered a choice of activities and to be taken to dinner as well as cooked for at home, and who mocks tears as being a contemptible ploy?

Your son has offered you a reasonable choice. And your daughter-in-law was not the person who turned him against you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can studs and cuff links match the woman's dress, or should they always be black, silver or white?

GENTLE READER: Even if you are going to the sophomore prom, Miss Manners begs you not to think of wearing your lady's colors.

However, the rules are not quite as strict as you have guessed. Studs and cuff links of gold, platinum or pearl are also permissible with gentlemen's evening clothes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Where should a lady place her evening purse during dinner?

GENTLE READER: On her lap, where it will slip to the floor. This obliges her dinner partner, presuming he is a gentleman, to crawl around under the table in a most undignified but amusing manner, to retrieve all the pretty little things that will have spilled out of her purse on the trip downward.

If you do not care to witness this, or feel that a dinner partner might not be game, Miss Manners suggests tucking the purse behind you on your chair.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My good friend has just moved to a continuous-care community for seniors. She is enjoying her spacious two-bedroom apartment and the help the staff gives her, from moving boxes to installing her TV. The food is great, and she is glad to be free of her high-maintenance old home.

One problem: Residents are always complaining. The weather is bad; the food is bad; their arthritis is kicking up. How can she graciously redirect these people to more upbeat conversation?

GENTLE READER: By being her cheerful self and spreading her attitude around. Miss Manners warns that it is not going to be easy in what sounds like sourpuss land, but moods are contagious, and unless your friend keeps saying that she loves the rain, dinner was great and she hopes their health problems will improve, she is in danger of catching their gloom.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we were at a very nice restaurant, one of the guests constantly was referring to her phone, to look up answers to questions, to show photos.

I asked her a question and she was looking at her phone, so I waited for her to look up at me. When she did, I explained that I did not know how to address someone looking elsewhere. She said she could multitask.

In this age of rude phoners, could we have some advice on the etiquette? I personally think at dinner or where there are live discussions, the phones should be turned off. My husband said I was rude to wait for her to look up at me before I conversed with her.

GENTLE READER: That's a nasty term -- "multitask." At best, it means, "I'll give you some of my attention, but don't expect it all." It is more likely to mean, "Well, I have to do something to stave off boredom when I'm with you."

Contrary to your husband's idea of rudeness, Miss Manners would consider it rude to address someone who is otherwise occupied -- and a waste of time to go out to dinner with such a person. Think of all the tasks you could be accomplishing instead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the standard protocol for sending a wedding gift thank-you card? How many months?

GENTLE READER: It is not measured in months. It is measured in minutes. Twenty of them. Miss Manners is looking at her watch.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I went to my boyfriend's college town to celebrate the birthday (60 years) of one of his classmates, another one of his classmates (female), who lives in that town, proceeded to ask me questions about my relationship -- "How long have you really known him?" and "Are you really dating?" -- only to add an elaborate story of how they met in college.

It was obvious the crush still existed after 40 years. Almost jealous, she added comments like, "He didn't like me because I had small breasts."

I commented that one of the guests at our table was friendly and fun, only to have her comment back, "He's single," loud enough for my boyfriend to hear.

She continued with concerned, almost suspicious, comments about how my boyfriend doesn't share personal information with her (about me, the ex, children, work), and you could tell she was disturbed by not being more a part of his life.

I let her go on, but I would like to say something to her to let her know that it can't happen in the future.

Of course, I told him everything. He thought it was played best not to say anything, and he felt her comments were odd, too. I don't want to continue this secret with her as though I'm being faithful to her through this chat. I feel it was inappropriate, and honestly it is time to address the crush and let it crash.

GENTLE READER: Why? What does everyone hope for at a reunion? To hear that one's image has been cherished over the decades, and that one's present appearance does not douse the flame.

True, this was about your beau, not you, and he does not seem to find it particularly interesting or even amusing. Your attitude puzzles Miss Manners even more. The lady lives in another town, where you are not likely to see her again, the gentleman does not reciprocate her interest, and there is no question of sharing secrets, because you immediately relayed what she said.

Why, then, do you want to crush this crush? You need only have said, "Well, you have good taste. He is indeed wonderful and makes me very happy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been a widow for five years, and several women have criticized me for still wearing my wedding ring. One of them told me I was lying by still wearing it.

I told her I was wearing my ring due to men assuming I need a man if I am not wearing a wedding ring. As I am almost 70, I don't think I need to put up with any of this -- either by men or by the women who think I should not be wearing my wedding ring.

GENTLE READER: Just because they are mean, insulting, intrusive, and totally ignorant of either the spirit or the rules of etiquette?

Miss Manners hopes that your would-be suitors do not insinuate that you "need a man," which is insulting under any circumstances. But you do seem to need a new set of friends.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)