DEAR MISS MANNERS: When cultural differences result in different expectations of the hostess/guest obligations, to whose culture should we defer; the hostess's or the guest's?

For example, if one's guest's culture promotes making oneself at home, helping themselves to plates, drinks, etc., and the hostess's culture promotes playing hostess and getting those items for her guests, should the guest allow the hostess to do what she is comfortable and wants to do, i.e., serve her guests, or should the hostess allow the guests to make themselves at home?

I was taught that you defer to the hostess, as you are a guest in their home and subject to their rules, which means that if you are told to make yourself at home, you do so, and if you are not, you graciously accept the efforts of the hostess.

My friend, however, disagrees and believes that it is the hostess' obligation to make her guests comfortable, and defer to their culture. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: "Culture"?

Do you have foreign visitors from hitherto undocumented societies where people are required, for the sake of politeness, to make free with others' possessions?

Or is this being passed off as youth culture by those who behave this way in their own and parental homes, but would not invite reciprocity in others' taking command of their private stashes?

For that matter, do they -- and you -- believe that the expression "make yourself at home" is meant to be taken literally? Does that mean, for example, that guests could toss out or sell items they don't happen to like?

As you may gather, Miss Manners is fed up with hearing what is universally acknowledged to be rudeness described as culture. Of course it is the hosts' job to dispense hospitality to their guests. And if that does not make the guests comfortable, they should not be visiting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my family attended a Quinceanera, a very formal affair, my 6-year old daughter was asked to participate in the church service. I was instructed to dress her in a violet gown.

She wore a violet silk dupioni gown that I labored over, working through many nights to finish it in time for the event.

At the church, my sister-in-law approached me and asked me if I made the gown. I said, "yes." She said to me, "I wasn't that ambitious."

I couldn't help feeling that this was a veiled insult. I replied that it was difficult to purchase gowns for young girls in this color and mentioned that it gave me great joy to sew for my daughter.

Can you advise me as to how I might handle these veiled insults during future family functions?

GENTLE READER: By not looking under the veil.

It seems like a pretty thick veil, anyway. Miss Manners would have taken this as meaning that you have high standards. But even if there is a history of sniping that convinces you otherwise, your answer was fine. You might just add, "But your daughter looks lovely."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always admired the beautiful dresses and jewelry that my grandmothers and my mother have worn. I have been fortunate to have the women in my family teach me how to sew all of my own clothes, cross-stitch and embroidery. They also presented a lovely birthstone pearl necklace for my high school graduation, which I wear on a daily basis.

I am a 19-year-old college student, but I do not like to dress in "modern fashions" as defined by my fellow students (torn jeans and revealing tops), but dress in handmade tailored jackets and dresses with heels. When the weather is cold, I wear hand-sewn moccasins beaded by family members who still live on a Native American reservation, with jeans.

I am often taunted by fellow students, but I am now insulted by random strangers in public as to why I don't "dress my own age," and choose to take cues from my grandmothers instead.

I tell them that I feel more comfortable and "more myself" in these styles, but the insults still keep coming. How do I let these people know that I do not appreciate their, as they state, "constructive criticism"?

GENTLE READER: You have just demonstrated, once again, that people who vehemently defend their own sloppiness as "being comfortable" and practicing self-expression -- as in "This is who I am" -- are unable to tolerate others' claiming the same.

What is more, their idea of dressing one's age is out-of-date. About the only difference between generations that Miss Manners has noticed lately is that older people tend not to see the charm in buying blue jeans with the rips already in them.

The unspoken college dress code nowadays is informal, but that covers a range, and jeans, moccasins, jackets and sporty dresses fall within that range.

Of course no one should be critiquing your clothes as long as you are decently dressed. A paralyzing rejoinder is to say "Thank you for the compliment."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we have a party at our home, my stepdaughter-to-be always is the one to park in our driveway. I feel it is rude and would never park in someone's driveway without permission (kids in the car or not).

My fiance does not agree. Is it rude to park in someone's driveway without permission when they come over to visit?

GENTLE READER: "Someone's" driveway? Wasn't it her father's driveway? And, for that matter, her future stepmother's?

If you have a reason that she should not park there, surely you ought to be able to say, "Please park on the street, dear -- I like the driveway to be free so that my mother has less far to walk." Or "because you're blocking the caterer's truck."

Otherwise, Miss Manners advises you to not try to twist typical family behavior into a generalized etiquette problem. She would have thought that this would be a time that you would be especially eager to make your fiance's daughter feel part of the new family.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When should you write a bread-and-butter letter?

GENTLE READER: When you have consumed bread and butter at the home of someone else.

Can Miss Manners trust you to understand that this is not to be taken literally, and that the bread stands for a meal and the butter for hospitality?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend of a year was approached by two female friends of his asking for a night out of the city to visit him in the suburbs for dinner.

After asking me, we agreed to host a dinner party for the four of us in his home. I have yet to meet these friends and thought it would be fun to host a party and get to know them.

Upon further discussion of what I thought I would cook for the evening, I learned that these two ladies plan on cooking for us. Apparently, that was part of the idea, to get out of the city where their kitchens are small and to cook in a larger kitchen.

I feel like this it is rude of them, but am not sure, since it is technically not my kitchen, as we do not yet live together. I certainly would never invite myself to cook in another person's home.

Am I overreacting? What is the polite way to signal I am planning the menu and if they would like to bring a side that would be wonderful?

GENTLE READER: Funny that you haven't mentioned the gentleman's reaction.

They are his friends, and it is his kitchen. And while there are people who hate having others working in their kitchens, the offer, which they can simply decline with thanks, is not rude.

So Miss Manners will address herself to your question about overreacting.

Her guess is that this strikes you as the ladies' thinking it would be cute to feed the helpless bachelor who must be in need of some feminine care. And that you are bristling because this would ignore your attachment.

You would be well advised to drop that whole idea. They know about you, they have shown interest in meeting you, and you should accede graciously to their offer, which Miss Manners suspects that the gentleman has already accepted.

Besides, nothing will emphasize the two of you being a couple more than jointly allowing these friends to pamper you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At least several times a month, I receive "warnings" from well-intentioned friends. These are usually messages that have been forwarded many, many times, containing alerts about computer viruses, credit card scams, health issues, dying children yearning for business cards and the like.

Trouble is, that when I check the accuracy of these well-meaning messages, the vast majority turn out to be false alarms, many of which have been circulating for years.

Of course I always ignore the "please forward this to all your friends," but what do I do vis a vis the sender? It seems rude to return a message telling them they've alarmed folks unnecessarily, but my not doing so simply encourages them to continue the practice of sending on unverified information.

GENTLE READER: The phrase you need, if you wish to alert your friends to their mistakes, is "You will be relieved to hear that..."

Miss Manners' idea here is to show sympathy for their concern, thus enabling you to explain how you found out, thus possibly encouraging them to check themselves before sending out the alarm.

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