DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is with considerable sadness that I have observed a distressing proliferation of representations of purported ladies drinking champagne while wearing gloves.

This activity, for example, occurs throughout the first act of a recent production of an Oscar Wilde play and is depicted in a telecast series about a prominent political dynasty.

I would be vastly grateful if you could address this issue, perhaps doing something to rescue the reputation of the historical ladies depicted.

Assuring viewers that this is merely a lapse perpetrated by contemporary designers and not a subtle indication that the women are parvenues would be comforting to those of us to whom these things still matter. I believe that only an authority of your stature stands a chance of halting this distressing trend.

GENTLE READER: Ah, so it is not just Miss Manners who notices these gaffs.

It seems that every historical drama, whether in the theater, the opera, on film or on television, features:

-- Ladies eating and drinking while wearing gloves.

-- Gentlemen keeping on their hats indoors and in the presence of ladies.

-- Both ladies and gentlemen neatly folding their handkerchiefs after use.

These and other gaucheries have long been forbidden -- as was once known, not just in what passed as "society," but at all economic levels. Unlike today, everyone actually had gloves, hats and handkerchiefs.

Surely those who dramatize the past could do a bit of research. The toniest productions obviously research the costumes, but not how people wore them, and the settings, but not how people behaved in them.

In a previous existence as a drama and film critic, Miss Manners was plagued by false cues -- such as slouching posture, male-first introductions, failure to rise for others, an immediate use of first names -- that indicated poor character or disrespect when such was not the intention of the drama.

But, as you have found, she was not able to enlighten those who -- perhaps believing that human behavior is "natural," and therefore was never different from the most casual modern behavior -- continue to undermine their efforts to re-create the past.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When at a restaurant, should it be proper etiquette to excuse yourself from the table when your young child is throwing a temper tantrum or just sit there and hope that the child will stop?

GENTLE READER: Really? You are in doubt about this?

Miss Manners hopes that you are a disgruntled restaurant patron seeking support for your annoyance at having your dinner spoiled, and not a parent who believes that it would be rude to interrupt the child's tantrum by showing some consideration for everyone else.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The question has arisen in our home as to what constitutes a "maiden name." My husband was filling out a form that asked for my maiden name.

I was born with one name, which was changed legally to another. Then I married for the first time, which ended in divorce. Married a second time, also ending in divorce. Married a third time, which eventually made me a widow. Now I am married for the fourth (and last, I hope) time.

GENTLE READER: Your confusion as to when you were a maiden is, under the circumstances, understandable. Preferring not to probe further, Miss Manners would consider it the surname you used before your first marriage.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was just rude to a child. The fact that he was the 50th person today to ask me to buy something and the 40th person who did not accept a polite "No, thank you" (in his language) with a smile may explain, but does not, in my mind, excuse my brusqueness. (I wasn't horrible, but after he didn't take "no thank you" twice I said "I don't want anything" and I raised my voice a little.)

How should one deal with "subsistence-level tourist farmers?"

I remind myself that these people have so little that they make me look like Donald Trump.

But I find that the purveyors of small items that swarm tourists are severely affecting my ability to enjoy traveling. I end up avoiding places I want to go just to avoid the purveyors.

In one country, I acted drunk all the time I was outside (which worked, actually), but was exhausting. Sometimes they take a "no thank you," but more often, they won't leave me alone until I am brusque, bordering on rude.

Is there any good option? (And, for the record, I do give to charity. This trip, I'm giving a week's worth of living expenses for my three-week trip to a charity focused on educating poor girls in this country. I am happy to give; I want to give wisely.)

GENTLE READER: One of the most pitiful things about this situation is that the children have probably been trained to wear people down by being pests. That is not an excuse to be rude to them, but it does require being firm -- and then moving out of their way.

Miss Manners admires your approach to travel. Well, maybe not your staging a drunk scene, but your unwillingness to be rude, your support of local charity and your learning at least one polite phrase of the language.

You need to learn more of the language. You need to learn to say, "I'm sorry, but it will do you no good to keep after me; it will just annoy me."

It is tricky to ask tour guides or others you may encounter who are in the travel business, who have an interest in protecting you but perhaps not as much in protecting the feelings of those who harass their clients. They are more likely to teach you phrases you would never say anywhere.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating a widower for two years. We have both said we are happier with each other than we've ever been with anyone else and at some point will marry.

When we are in public or with friends, he refers to his late wife as his wife. It makes me uncomfortable and the people he's talking to always look at me in shock. My boyfriend doesn't notice this.

Is this appropriate? Should he refer to her as his late wife or am I being thin-skinned?

GENTLE READER: He should break what is, after all, a long-standing habit, but you would be of more help in sympathizing and explaining than in being hurt.

"My dear," Miss Manners suggests saying, "it seems disrespectful to your late wife when you give people the impression that she is still alive, and yet you are running around with me. Not to mention that I'm getting a racy reputation as a home-wrecker."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live on a disability pension for a condition that is not readily apparent to the naked eye. I also occasionally sell works of art at a local gallery.

Since I have found that most people are reluctant to socialize with a disabled person and it seems to put a damper on things, I will usually, when I am asked what I "do," state that I am an artist. Unfortunately, it seems that very few people are willing to leave it at this and persist with further comments like "But you certainly can't pay the rent with THAT! What is it you really DO?"

Am I really obligated to explain something so personal? What is a polite way to answer this kind of thing?

GENTLE READER: Good luck in trying to outrun people who make silly, knee-jerk remarks. No matter how many subjects you put off limits, Miss Manners assures you that they will find a way.

Here is what she would reply: "I wish I'd talked to you before I became an artist. I only went in for it for the money, you know. I thought it would be an easy living. Are you telling me that it's not?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: So I know that, traditionally, the bride should be the only one at a wedding who is dressed in white.

But what if there is no bride? Would it be acceptable for a female guest to wear white to a wedding if the marriage is between two men? (Specifically, a white sundress that would never be mistaken for a wedding dress, if that makes any difference.)

GENTLE READER: All the more reason for not doing so. You don't want the guests' thinking, "Oops, there is a bride, after all."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm an African-American in my middle 60s. What is wrong with telling my associates of other races that I do not wish to be called a girl on any occasion?

I start explaining to them why that word girl is so offensive to me, as it also is to many other black ladies. Before I get the whole explanation out, they will stop me in mid-sentence to reply, "I hear other black people (women) addressing one another with 'Hey girl'."

I will tell the associate that some women have reasons why they allow that to happen. As for me, it is an insult from days of the past. During the time my mother was alive, she would be called a girl sometime by young people that greeted her at a store. This has happened to black women just about every day.

So how old should an African American woman be and how can I tell others without making them angry ? If a person does not know my name, just address me as Mrs. or Ms.

GENTLE READER: The only thing wrong with your telling your associates not to address you as "girl" is your weak defense when they argue.

The chief point is that you are offended, whether or not they have the courtesy to learn why. If that is not enough, Miss Manners recommends your asking whether they intend to offend you, and when they say not, that the solution is merely to stop addressing you that way.

Furthermore, the use of a term among intimates, or within the same group, does not constitute permission for outsiders to do it. If you family still calls you Babykins, would that allow your colleagues to do so?

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