DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was just rude to a child. The fact that he was the 50th person today to ask me to buy something and the 40th person who did not accept a polite "No, thank you" (in his language) with a smile may explain, but does not, in my mind, excuse my brusqueness. (I wasn't horrible, but after he didn't take "no thank you" twice I said "I don't want anything" and I raised my voice a little.)

How should one deal with "subsistence-level tourist farmers?"

I remind myself that these people have so little that they make me look like Donald Trump.

But I find that the purveyors of small items that swarm tourists are severely affecting my ability to enjoy traveling. I end up avoiding places I want to go just to avoid the purveyors.

In one country, I acted drunk all the time I was outside (which worked, actually), but was exhausting. Sometimes they take a "no thank you," but more often, they won't leave me alone until I am brusque, bordering on rude.

Is there any good option? (And, for the record, I do give to charity. This trip, I'm giving a week's worth of living expenses for my three-week trip to a charity focused on educating poor girls in this country. I am happy to give; I want to give wisely.)

GENTLE READER: One of the most pitiful things about this situation is that the children have probably been trained to wear people down by being pests. That is not an excuse to be rude to them, but it does require being firm -- and then moving out of their way.

Miss Manners admires your approach to travel. Well, maybe not your staging a drunk scene, but your unwillingness to be rude, your support of local charity and your learning at least one polite phrase of the language.

You need to learn more of the language. You need to learn to say, "I'm sorry, but it will do you no good to keep after me; it will just annoy me."

It is tricky to ask tour guides or others you may encounter who are in the travel business, who have an interest in protecting you but perhaps not as much in protecting the feelings of those who harass their clients. They are more likely to teach you phrases you would never say anywhere.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating a widower for two years. We have both said we are happier with each other than we've ever been with anyone else and at some point will marry.

When we are in public or with friends, he refers to his late wife as his wife. It makes me uncomfortable and the people he's talking to always look at me in shock. My boyfriend doesn't notice this.

Is this appropriate? Should he refer to her as his late wife or am I being thin-skinned?

GENTLE READER: He should break what is, after all, a long-standing habit, but you would be of more help in sympathizing and explaining than in being hurt.

"My dear," Miss Manners suggests saying, "it seems disrespectful to your late wife when you give people the impression that she is still alive, and yet you are running around with me. Not to mention that I'm getting a racy reputation as a home-wrecker."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live on a disability pension for a condition that is not readily apparent to the naked eye. I also occasionally sell works of art at a local gallery.

Since I have found that most people are reluctant to socialize with a disabled person and it seems to put a damper on things, I will usually, when I am asked what I "do," state that I am an artist. Unfortunately, it seems that very few people are willing to leave it at this and persist with further comments like "But you certainly can't pay the rent with THAT! What is it you really DO?"

Am I really obligated to explain something so personal? What is a polite way to answer this kind of thing?

GENTLE READER: Good luck in trying to outrun people who make silly, knee-jerk remarks. No matter how many subjects you put off limits, Miss Manners assures you that they will find a way.

Here is what she would reply: "I wish I'd talked to you before I became an artist. I only went in for it for the money, you know. I thought it would be an easy living. Are you telling me that it's not?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: So I know that, traditionally, the bride should be the only one at a wedding who is dressed in white.

But what if there is no bride? Would it be acceptable for a female guest to wear white to a wedding if the marriage is between two men? (Specifically, a white sundress that would never be mistaken for a wedding dress, if that makes any difference.)

GENTLE READER: All the more reason for not doing so. You don't want the guests' thinking, "Oops, there is a bride, after all."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm an African-American in my middle 60s. What is wrong with telling my associates of other races that I do not wish to be called a girl on any occasion?

I start explaining to them why that word girl is so offensive to me, as it also is to many other black ladies. Before I get the whole explanation out, they will stop me in mid-sentence to reply, "I hear other black people (women) addressing one another with 'Hey girl'."

I will tell the associate that some women have reasons why they allow that to happen. As for me, it is an insult from days of the past. During the time my mother was alive, she would be called a girl sometime by young people that greeted her at a store. This has happened to black women just about every day.

So how old should an African American woman be and how can I tell others without making them angry ? If a person does not know my name, just address me as Mrs. or Ms.

GENTLE READER: The only thing wrong with your telling your associates not to address you as "girl" is your weak defense when they argue.

The chief point is that you are offended, whether or not they have the courtesy to learn why. If that is not enough, Miss Manners recommends your asking whether they intend to offend you, and when they say not, that the solution is merely to stop addressing you that way.

Furthermore, the use of a term among intimates, or within the same group, does not constitute permission for outsiders to do it. If you family still calls you Babykins, would that allow your colleagues to do so?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the past couple of weeks, my husband and I have been invited to four college-graduation parties for the children of friends where gifts were expected. I don't recall ever being invited to such events before.

We have college-age children, and when our oldest graduated, we had a family celebration, and she received cards from aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.

We are also being invited to couples showers and weddings for our friends' children who are getting married. Maybe it's the time of year, but my wallet and I are getting worn out. Is this common practice?

GENTLE READER: It has become so, more's the pity.

It has not escaped Miss Manners' attention that the most common form of entertaining nowadays involves a windfall for the hosts or their families. How many people now plan parties -- as nearly everyone used to -- on no particular occasion, but just for the fun of gathering their friends?

Yet she has another -- perhaps more forgivable but nevertheless unjustifiable -- interpretation. Family pride is an excellent resource, providing a loyal support system and cheering squad for its members. But it must be kept under control lest it lead to callous behavior toward others. Parents should indeed be proud, but they should not behave like high schoolers who, if they get 100 on an exam, immediately run around asking everyone in the class their scores.

But (you may ask) how can it be callous to invite people to parties? Don't most people like to go to parties?

Yes, which is why many come. Gift-giving parties to honor the hosts or their immediate families are pretty much all the parties to which they are invited.

But why are they invited?

The right answer would be that they would be expected to enjoy themselves because the occasion would be meaningful to them. One reason that guests so often bring pressure to bring their own guests, Miss Manners suspects, is because they are not all that interested in the occasion, but merely want to use it as a venue for dates.

High among occasions that are not of great interest to a wide circle are those honoring the hosts' children. Yet it has become commonplace to invite such people to birthday parties for infants and graduation parties for children of all ages.

Miss Manners would have thought that the proper guests for the former are the baby's relatives and very close family friends, and for the latter, the graduates' classmates, so that they can celebrate together.

In any case, you need not feel pressured to attend such parties, nor to give presents. You need only send your warm congratulations.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When eating, is it better manners to stab your food or scoop it up with your fork?

GENTLE READER: If your food is not still alive, there is no excuse for stabbing it. And if it is still alive, Miss Manners hopes you will use a scoop, rather than a fork, to return it to its habitat.

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