DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have several friends who are in open or polyamorous relationships. Because I'm happy for their happiness together, I would like to make sure that I'm not excluding or slighting any of the partners.

If I am sending them an invitation to a gathering, how on earth do I address it? "Mr. and Mrs. Jane Doe and Ms. Lily Smith"? "The Doe and Smith Family"? "John and Jane Doe and Lily Smith"?

I don't want to draw overmuch attention to the fact that one couple is legally married and the other is "just" secondary. (This is insulting in polyamorous circles.) Also, am I correct in assuming that if the third partner has taken the legally married couple's name as part of a long-term arrangement, the correct address is "John, Jane, and Lily Doe" or "The Doe Family"? It seems silly to use "Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Doe," and "Mr. and Mrs. and Ms. Doe" opens all sorts of other concerns.

Also, how do I introduce a polyamorous group socially? Do legally married partners have status over second partners, meriting first introduction, or do I simply say, "Ms. Jones, these are my friends, the Does" and leave Ms. Jones to establish how they interrelate?

I have asked friends in the poly community how they handle this, and they say, "Just call them up and invite them!" which is not, perhaps, the most helpful of answers, though it is well-meaning.

GENTLE READER: Your busy friends have a point: Etiquette does not attempt to pinpoint what goes on in a household when company is not expected.

Miss Manners hopes this does not disappoint you.

It does provide you with a simple solution, however. Adults in the same household, whatever their relationship, are addressed by their names. Thus the envelopes could be addressed (on separate lines) to "Ms. Lily Smith/Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" or Ms. Lily Smith/Ms. Jane Doe/Mr. John Doe."

People do not generally send out invitations with the purpose of insulting their prospective guests, a fact of which those who are touchy about Ms. or Mrs. should take notice.

But judging from your friends' suggestion, they do not seem to be as fragile as you think.

And yes, you can let Ms. Jones discover the relationship for herself. Isn't that what parties are for?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know if there is a protocol in viewing a new baby after you have been asked to the mother's shower.

I have been invited to several baby showers by a relative for her children. When the baby is born, I usually wait a month or two before mentioning that I would love to see the baby. I would not think of dropping in on the new parents unannounced and overstaying, but I would like to bring a gift of food or something for the baby and stay for a short visit. I would stay approximately one hour.

GENTLE READER: There is such a protocol, and you have delineated it exactly: Wait until the new household adjusts, call and request paying a visit, bring a little something for the baby and don't stay long. Miss Manners would only add that you not attempt to hold the baby without permission, and that you must make sure to confirm the parents' belief that theirs is the loveliest baby ever born.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have decided to end a friendship. Years of exhausting get-togethers, bizarre behavior, and, recently, drug use have finally added up to my feeling that this was not a relationship I wished to continue.

Per your past advice to other readers, I have not "dumped" this friend. I have simply become increasingly unable to socialize. I have not given in to the "we should get together soon" or "maybe next time" sentiments. I have tried instead to keep it simple and clear, while referencing vague business as opposed to specific, manufactured conflicts.

He just will not take the hint. He calls regularly, wanting to get together (but usually wanting me to plan the event, as is typical of him). When I try to let my voicemail do the talking, he will call all my numbers repeatedly. Last weekend he rotated through three phones, making five calls in 25 minutes. He knows my work schedule and that of my significant other, and he will use that information to call us when he feels that we are most likely to answer the phone -- on the way home, on a work holiday, etc. It makes me feel almost stalked!

I recently received an almost demanding e-mail from him, wanting to know when I would be able to attend a show in which he is involved. There are several performances over the next couple of weeks. For the reasons mentioned above (and frankly, for aesthetic ones), I do not wish to attend. But I am at a loss as to how to get out of this, or any future "invitations," when nothing I've done so far has worked!

GENTLE READER: Indeed, Miss Manners has championed the subtle method of backing off from undesirable friendships, rather than the here's-what's-wrong-with-you method so favored by bored lovers.

Thank you for trying the former method, but it doesn't work on stalkers. People who do not take into account any feedback from others do have to be informed more clearly. Yours may not yet be at the restraining-order stage, and you should avoid any cruel criticism. Nevertheless, you must say firmly, "Please stop calling; we do not expect to be making engagements with you" and, when challenged to explain, reply, "It is not something we will discuss."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a formal wedding invitation, is it more appropriate to write out the date "two thousand and eleven" or "two thousand eleven"?

GENTLE READER: Neither, you will be surprised to hear.

Miss Manners realizes that there is bad advice to the contrary being given by stationers -- she will assume innocently rather than in hopes of charging for another line of engraving -- but the year does not properly appear on formal invitations. The day of the week, the month and the date of the month, yes, but not the year. This is because invitations are not properly issued a year in advance, so that even in one issued in December for February, for example, it is obvious which year is intended.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a graduating high school senior who finds the process of sending out graduation announcements tacky.

Close family and friends should be the only people to receive such announcements and invitations, since they may actually be interested in attending, but in recent years, the custom has expanded to include neighbors, acquaintances and distant family members.

Sending announcements to so many people seems like a new way for greedy people to solicit money. Many of my peers have bragged about the money they plan to receive and have chosen to send out as many announcements as they can for that reason alone.

Am I right in finding this custom appalling? Is there any way I can gently inform my peers that they are being rude to feel so entitled?

GENTLE READER: The survival of the graduation announcement, at a time when just about every other announcement is made on social Internet sites, had already led Miss Manners to the conclusion that your classmates confirm.

She is pleased that you have the sense to realize that such announcements are at best unnecessary, and the manners to refrain from sending them. However, she does not advise your going around chastising the rest of the class. At least not until you are safely at a far-away college that none of them is planning to attend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please explain the intended purpose of graduation announcements?

I am confused at receiving one from the daughter of a friend. We live in the same town and I see my friend rather frequently. I am certain that my friend and her daughter both know that I already know that she is graduating. Why should I receive an announcement for something that I knew already was going to occur? Even if I wanted to attend the ceremony, I wouldn't be able to, because one must have an invitation to attend and one was not enclosed. I happen to know that tickets to the graduation are nearly impossible to secure. I can't help but feel that it was a plea for a gift.

GENTLE READER: See above.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know under what circumstances would it be acceptable to ask someone how much money they make or to tell someone how much money you make. This is an argument my wife and I have had recently.

GENTLE READER: So -- how much do you and she each make?

What -- you don't think it quite right for Miss Manners to ask? Even if she declares that she is curious?

Actually, she isn't. This is because she is not considering hiring either of you -- and even then you might not want to answer if you are hoping to negotiate for more.

Surely you are aware that there are two meanings when talking about a person's "worth" -- financial and as a human being -- and that shallow people conflate them. In a social situation, such a question is therefore rude because it is insulting to question someone's worth, and telling is rude because it constitutes bragging.

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