DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our new dog is a 7-month-old, very rambunctious Border collie who is in the midst of being trained. When guests come to visit, we put him in a crate in the kitchen, which is where we usually sit. If the people are planning on staying for more than five to 10 minutes, we put him in a crate upstairs.

Twice in the past week, guests assured us that they wanted him loose. Yet when he brought the first person a toy and attempted to put it in her lap, she grabbed him by the collar and roughly pushed him in his crate, as she felt he was "herding" her. Then she offered to take him home with her as he needed to be trained more sternly with hitting.

The second guest explained that she had trained her dog by hitting him hard enough to "knock him off the sofa but he never pulled at my foot again."

I was upset. To the first, I just shook my head, but I told the second that I didn't like hitting. She was insistent and spent some time explaining how soft I was and the necessity to start hitting the dog. It made me very uncomfortable.

Should we just ignore guests when they ask that we let the dog out of his crate so as not to subject the dog to possible volunteer dog trainers?

GENTLE READER: Apparently it would be easier than training these guests. Miss Manners only hopes that you do not invite these people when there are young children in the house.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I was in a national chain bookstore, sitting in a chair provided by the store in front of the magazine racks, reading, two gentlemen started carrying on a conversation directly in front of me.

I found it annoying but let it go on for two or three minutes and finally stood up, did not step in any direction, as I was standing well within their personal space, addressed them with the following: " Gentlemen, I am not trying to be a jerk, but I would appreciate it if you would please carry on your conversation somewhere else."

Of course they looked at me like my hair was on fire and one informed me that "this was not a library," which I stated I was aware of. My statement had the desired effect, but was I right to do this?

GENTLE READER: With the best of intentions, Miss Manners keeps trying to mouth your exact statement in a tone that does not sound like chastisement. She has not been able to make it come out as if you were offering an apology and begging a favor.

As you acknowledge, a bookstore is not a library; conversation at normal speaking levels is not out of place there. So asking them to move requires an apology for disturbing them as well as a petition to do you a favor.

True, you accomplished your purpose in sending them elsewhere to speak, no doubt, of your rudeness. But you did not accomplish your stated purpose of "not trying to be a jerk."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The rudeness and bad manners that members of Congress engage in has gone too far. I do not believe any of those truces will last a week. What we need is a Congressional Etiquette Czar. The Czar would need to be given the power to sanction and fine members of Congress for any lapse in polite exchanges.

I would expect that a complete change in behavior will take time. A penalty and the embarrassment of having their manners called into question may start to alter the current misbehavior.

What do you think? Your country needs you.

GENTLE READER: With gratitude and humility, Miss Manners must confess that she already has a (self-created) job as etiquette czarina of the nation, legislators not excepted. She also notes that the U.S. Congress already has its own particular etiquette rules and enforcers.

So why aren't things working better?

There are two standard answers in regard to legislative rudeness:

First that it has ever been so, an assertion bolstered by examples from history of actual violence among members of Congress. This is true, although it is also true that the general level of business was conducted with more grace, and even hostility was expressed less crudely and more formally.

At any rate, Miss Manners does not believe that bad behavior in the past justifies giving up on improvement.

The second argument precludes any hope for improvement because the members hold strong, basic disagreements. Right. We call that the two-party system of government.

But far from inhibiting declarations and defenses of positions, or, more importantly, the exchanges of ideas necessary to arrive at workable agreements, etiquette is what makes all this possible. When insult and invective is what is exchanged, nothing gets accomplished. That is why parliamentary rules -- the etiquette books of any such bodies -- forbid personal attacks.

So -- how do we stop these if parliamentarians and the presiding officials wielding gavels are unable to do so?

It is called an election, folks.

Miss Manners reminds you that every rude person in Congress was elected to that office. This is why she feels it urgent to point out the fallacy of voters who believe that candidates who refuse to deal politely with their opponents make effective leaders. By showing contempt for those who disagree with them and by declaring a refusal to compromise, such candidates clearly demonstrate their inability to cope with a system that requires respect and cooperation.

Yet Miss Manners understands why those who are elected using that style of campaigning persist in behavior that has proved so successful at the polls. They must have pleased the voters, they figure, because they won. They cannot fail to be puzzled when the constituents who elected them start characterizing them as those rude politicians.

Hence her warning is to the voters: If you don't want badly behaved people in office, do not vote for badly behaved candidates.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you still request, in this age of electronic correspondence, that submissions be in black or blue-black ink?

GENTLE READER: Yes, indeed. Yellow, orange, red, and purple fonts look terrible on Miss Manners' monitor.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think about Facebook "friends" who post things that no one cares about, like "I took a nap today" or "I woke up feeling grumpy today" or "I got my oil changed today"?

Also, and even more annoying, are people who post lots of pictures and comments about themselves, their kids, their vacations, etc., but never comment on anyone else's posts. Please share a little Facebook etiquette for everyone!

GENTLE READER: What a gift those sites are for bores. If someone came up to you at a party and said, "I got my oil changed today," how long would it be before you had to excuse yourself because you thought you heard your mother calling you?

The good part is that it is easier to escape bores who have not cornered you in person.

Politeness in any form of discourse requires taking into consideration what would interest the listener, which is exactly the element that is missing in bores. It is a particular danger of Internet postings that what might interest one person is not of widespread interest.

Miss Manners is willing to imagine that the oil change would be of interest to someone planning to use the car; the nap would interest someone directly concerned with that person's health or ability to stay up late for festivities that day; and the grumpiness might serve as a warning to keep out of his or her way.

No doubt there are general announcements intended for an entire circle of friends: births, for example, or "I won the lottery." But one has to be totally besotted with someone else to be fascinated by the mundane details of that person's every day life -- as indeed, bores are with themselves. You may be sure that they do not bring this sort of thing up because they want to hear about your oil change.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My grandmother has offered my fiance and me a choice: either a wedding gift of a certain (very generous) value, or a check of equal amount.

I would love to ask her for a basic set of silver for formal entertaining. With the price of silver these days, I don't think there's any other way we're going to get it! My fiance is not sure the check wouldn't be the better option, but while we sort that question out, could you let me know what would be a good "starter set" for silver?

GENTLE READER: What a generous grandmother you have. Checks have a way of disappearing into other needs, but choosing a present -- and presuming that silver is within the budget she suggested -- it will always be a pleasure for you and for her, in that you think of it as "Grandmother's silver."

The basic starter set for table silver differs from what is generally packaged because unless your primary form of entertainment will be giving tea parties, teaspoons are much less useful than larger oval spoons. A truly basic setting would be: large fork and knife for main courses, small fork for salad and dessert, large oval spoon for soup and dessert.

You then have a lifetime ahead of you in which (if you are as crazy as Miss Manners) to collect specialized implements and serving pieces.

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