DEAR MISS MANNERS: During the toast at a birthday dinner for a dear friend, the birthday boy was hesitant to raise his glass, saying he'd heard that you're not supposed to toast yourself.

No one else at the table had heard of this rule, and while we all agreed that we didn't consider it bad form to raise your glass once someone else gives a toast in your honor, we're curious: Is it proper for the toast honoree to refrain from raising their own glass?

GENTLE READER: Absolutely. Miss Manners is reminded of the story that King George VI of England (most recently of "The King's Speech") was asked by his younger daughter whether, when his subjects sang "God Save the King," he should sing "God Save Me."

The answer is no, you do not tout or toast yourself. Please pass the word to your friends and to anyone you know who is getting married.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our aging but healthy father was recently brutally murdered in his home in another country. Dealing with his death, the facts of his murder, and the opaque bureaucracies of the other country has all been extremely painful, as you can imagine.

But others cannot. So some of them respond to hearing this news by launching into their own tales of woe.

To be sure, some of the tales are indeed woeful, but these people are not in the second week of this particular nightmare. It's almost as if, now that they've found someone who is suffering, they believe they're in good company, company that will happily listen attentively and be warm and soothing to them.

Nothing could be further from the truth. We want them to mumble condolences and then ask us what we need or just shut up. What do we say to people who do this?

GENTLE READER: You are kind to interpret this as the presumption of sympathetic understanding. Cynical old Miss Manners sees it as an attempt to trump your tragedy and focus attention back on themselves.

She suggests cutting this off with a gentle, "Forgive me, I do sympathize with you, but right now I'm dealing with all the tragedy I can bear."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I really can't stand the sound of someone slurping their coffee, tea or soup. Is slurping rude and done by someone who has no manners or should I need to put up with it?

GENTLE READER: Yes on the first half of your question and probably yes on the second. Unless the slurper happens to be your own minor child, in which case you can say, "Stop -- you're driving me crazy" several thousand times. On behalf of all of us, Miss Manners wishes you good luck with that.

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(EDITORS The second question contains language readers might find objectionable. )

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to stop prying, rude comments from acquaintances regarding a recent, painful divorce? I need a comment that I can memorize that will immediately stop the painful prying and extricate me from further conversation on the subject, during any occasion, as these seem to occur and take me by painful surprise every time.

GENTLE READER: A gentleman of Miss Manners' acquaintance does a little dialogue when he suspects that his infant daughter might be in serious need of a diaper change.

"Is there something you should tell me?" he asks her.

Then, because she is not yet talking, he answers for her in a sweet little voice: "I'd rather not say."

Considering the variety of nosy questions people feel free to ask these days, the phrase will no doubt be of use to her in future years, and Miss Manners recommends it to you now.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a niece who recently married into our family. In less than one year, we've been invited to bridal shower, wedding and recently a baby shower. To which I now ask, if you planned an event and you had RSVP's, the event comes and goes and the very next day .... this niece posts this bulletin on Facebook! "If you r.s.v.p for an event please show up, if you r.s.v.p. no, then thank you even if it's last minute. S

t does come up yes, however a phone call or text only takes a minute. It's rude not, especially if you already r.s.v.p.'d. If you get pissed off when you read this then you are probably a person that does this. If you think I'm a b

ch when you read this, well then join the club and realize I don't give a f

k."

GENTLE READER: Charming niece you've got there. And isn't Miss Manners fortunate to have someone like that defending etiquette? Please give her condolences to your nephew.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I went out to dinner at a moderately priced restaurant with another couple, it was a bit of a treat for all of us to be out together on a weeknight as both of our families have new babies. We budgeted for this dinner accordingly. However, I was a bit shocked when my husband bluntly asked for the price of the special after the waitress had finished her introduction. Granted, in many places, the wait staff includes the price in the initial explanation, so there's no guesswork. But, while I appreciate the frugal sentiment behind my husband's query, I wasn't sure if it was polite to bring this up in front of our dining companions. Which is correct -- for the waiter to offer the prices up front, or barring that, for the patron to ask?

GENTLE READER: Indeed, it would be fairer for the waiter to state the price, as is done in some restaurants. But if this is not done, of course your husband should ask the price.

Miss Manners reminds you that a restaurant is a commercial establishment that sells cooked food. If you were grocery shopping with a friend, would you be embarrassed to ask the price of something that is not marked?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have formed the opinion (from multiple sources in literature, no doubt) that a manservant, particularly a butler or a chauffeur, is properly addressed by his surname, i.e. "Jeeves," "Hudson," "Cadmon," etc. etc., with no "Mr." preceding, and certainly no first name, by those he is serving, and "Mr. Jeeves/Hudson/Cadmon" by his colleagues.

However, I recently watched a BBC program on the restoration and reopening of a grand London Hotel, which offers "Butler Service" to selected guests, and their butlers refer to each other and are referred to by their first names only. I suppose one could ask the butler/valet/chauffeur how he wishes to be addressed, but I would so like to get off on the right foot and would not like to appear overly familiar. Please advise me of the correct mode of address, as I would one day like to visit England and do not wish to offend.

GENTLE READER: In no country is it a good idea to model your manners on television programs or novels.

At best, you have to take into account what the behavior is intended to say about class and character, and at worst -- well, let us say that a knowledge of etiquette, historic or contemporary, is not necessarily brought to the writing of these works. Miss Manners has yet to see a period drama, British or American, in which supposedly well-bred people did not commit the social atrocity of eating and drinking with their gloves on.

But in this case, the mistake was yours, in thinking that time had stood still between the writing of those books and the recent television program. Therefore Miss Manners' rant was irrelevant, but she thanks you for letting her vent.

A butler was, as you have read, addressed by his surname alone, as was the chauffeur, although the lower servants were expected to preface this with Mr. The housekeeper and the cook had the title of Mrs. with their surnames, even if they had never been married. Footmen were addressed by their given names alone, but, with uncharacteristic choice, ladies' maids and parlor maids could be called by either their given or surnames alone. The nanny was called Nanny with either her surname or, in even older households, the surname of her employers.

However, as the years went by, the male upper servants began to be accorded a "Mr." with their surnames. As the decades went by, informality has pretty much swept away honorifics and surnames, except in the most traditional households.

If you do not want to inquire at the hotel desk, or of a private host, go with what you learned in those books. It is better to be thought quaint than cheeky.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When eating a salad, is it improper to "stab" at the salad?

GENTLE READER: It is improper to stab any food, once it is no longer in the wild but on your plate. But of all the foods to attack, salad strikes Miss Manners as being the most helpless. Why would you pick on something like lettuce, which is too flaccid to strike back?

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