(EDITORS The second question contains language readers might find objectionable. )

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to stop prying, rude comments from acquaintances regarding a recent, painful divorce? I need a comment that I can memorize that will immediately stop the painful prying and extricate me from further conversation on the subject, during any occasion, as these seem to occur and take me by painful surprise every time.

GENTLE READER: A gentleman of Miss Manners' acquaintance does a little dialogue when he suspects that his infant daughter might be in serious need of a diaper change.

"Is there something you should tell me?" he asks her.

Then, because she is not yet talking, he answers for her in a sweet little voice: "I'd rather not say."

Considering the variety of nosy questions people feel free to ask these days, the phrase will no doubt be of use to her in future years, and Miss Manners recommends it to you now.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a niece who recently married into our family. In less than one year, we've been invited to bridal shower, wedding and recently a baby shower. To which I now ask, if you planned an event and you had RSVP's, the event comes and goes and the very next day .... this niece posts this bulletin on Facebook! "If you r.s.v.p for an event please show up, if you r.s.v.p. no, then thank you even if it's last minute. S

t does come up yes, however a phone call or text only takes a minute. It's rude not, especially if you already r.s.v.p.'d. If you get pissed off when you read this then you are probably a person that does this. If you think I'm a b

ch when you read this, well then join the club and realize I don't give a f

k."

GENTLE READER: Charming niece you've got there. And isn't Miss Manners fortunate to have someone like that defending etiquette? Please give her condolences to your nephew.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I went out to dinner at a moderately priced restaurant with another couple, it was a bit of a treat for all of us to be out together on a weeknight as both of our families have new babies. We budgeted for this dinner accordingly. However, I was a bit shocked when my husband bluntly asked for the price of the special after the waitress had finished her introduction. Granted, in many places, the wait staff includes the price in the initial explanation, so there's no guesswork. But, while I appreciate the frugal sentiment behind my husband's query, I wasn't sure if it was polite to bring this up in front of our dining companions. Which is correct -- for the waiter to offer the prices up front, or barring that, for the patron to ask?

GENTLE READER: Indeed, it would be fairer for the waiter to state the price, as is done in some restaurants. But if this is not done, of course your husband should ask the price.

Miss Manners reminds you that a restaurant is a commercial establishment that sells cooked food. If you were grocery shopping with a friend, would you be embarrassed to ask the price of something that is not marked?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have formed the opinion (from multiple sources in literature, no doubt) that a manservant, particularly a butler or a chauffeur, is properly addressed by his surname, i.e. "Jeeves," "Hudson," "Cadmon," etc. etc., with no "Mr." preceding, and certainly no first name, by those he is serving, and "Mr. Jeeves/Hudson/Cadmon" by his colleagues.

However, I recently watched a BBC program on the restoration and reopening of a grand London Hotel, which offers "Butler Service" to selected guests, and their butlers refer to each other and are referred to by their first names only. I suppose one could ask the butler/valet/chauffeur how he wishes to be addressed, but I would so like to get off on the right foot and would not like to appear overly familiar. Please advise me of the correct mode of address, as I would one day like to visit England and do not wish to offend.

GENTLE READER: In no country is it a good idea to model your manners on television programs or novels.

At best, you have to take into account what the behavior is intended to say about class and character, and at worst -- well, let us say that a knowledge of etiquette, historic or contemporary, is not necessarily brought to the writing of these works. Miss Manners has yet to see a period drama, British or American, in which supposedly well-bred people did not commit the social atrocity of eating and drinking with their gloves on.

But in this case, the mistake was yours, in thinking that time had stood still between the writing of those books and the recent television program. Therefore Miss Manners' rant was irrelevant, but she thanks you for letting her vent.

A butler was, as you have read, addressed by his surname alone, as was the chauffeur, although the lower servants were expected to preface this with Mr. The housekeeper and the cook had the title of Mrs. with their surnames, even if they had never been married. Footmen were addressed by their given names alone, but, with uncharacteristic choice, ladies' maids and parlor maids could be called by either their given or surnames alone. The nanny was called Nanny with either her surname or, in even older households, the surname of her employers.

However, as the years went by, the male upper servants began to be accorded a "Mr." with their surnames. As the decades went by, informality has pretty much swept away honorifics and surnames, except in the most traditional households.

If you do not want to inquire at the hotel desk, or of a private host, go with what you learned in those books. It is better to be thought quaint than cheeky.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When eating a salad, is it improper to "stab" at the salad?

GENTLE READER: It is improper to stab any food, once it is no longer in the wild but on your plate. But of all the foods to attack, salad strikes Miss Manners as being the most helpless. Why would you pick on something like lettuce, which is too flaccid to strike back?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love doing most everything with my wife, but there are times I want to do things by myself. I can't even go fishing with my dad because she has to be always there. It gets so bad that I am unable to do anything without her there, which leads to not being able to do things with family members, hence my dad, friends, etc.

I know she loves doing the same things that I do, and that's great, but come on! How do I confront her to say enough is enough: I'm going to do this without you?

GENTLE READER: The essential thing that Miss Manners cannot do for you is to convince your wife that you love her and value her company even though you do not always want to act in tandem. "Enough is enough" is definitely not the proper approach.

The early stages of love, where the couple cannot bear to be apart for a minute, are so exciting that there is a temptation to extend this beyond its natural course. In the mid-20th century, this was known as "togetherness," a concept that led to a lot of marital strife. Shutting out the world and expecting to derive all satisfactions from one other person is not, in the long run, as charming as it sounds. Long-established couples who hang onto each other when out socially, complaining when they are separated even at the dinner table, appear more distrustful than doting.

Miss Manners is reminded of the foreshadowing of marital disaster in the version of "Ondine" by Jean Giraudoux: The besotted water-sprite Ondine rhapsodizes about inseparability, while Hans, the equally besotted but all-too-human knight-errant, pleads that sometimes he would just like to visit his horse. (True, he also admits that the horse is the most important -- and the most sensitive -- party of the knight-errant.)

It should be relatively easy for you to begin by pleading that your father occasionally wants one-on-one time with you. You would be well-advised to avoid making these be expeditions that are of particular appeal to your wife. You should also be encouraging her to see her family and friends on her own, while you, now and then, do the same.

Meanwhile, Miss Manners trusts that you will be showing your wife that she has your love and your loyalty, even if sometimes you do want to visit your horse.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does one have to acknowledge apology gifts if one has no plans to accept the apology?

An ex-employee who burnt some bridges on the way out sent me a gift to apologize for his actions. His peace offering was not due to any newfound contrition, but because he wants to use me as a reference.

GENTLE READER: You cannot have it both ways -- accepting the peace offering and not thanking him -- not going further, in fact, and making peace.

If you do not wish to do this, Miss Manners insists that you send back the present with a stiff note saying that you cannot accept it. He is not likely to ask you for a reference after that.

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