DEAR MISS MANNERS: We had my husband's brother to our home for a meal, and when his brother finished his salad, he quickly lifted the bowl up to his mouth to drink the remaining salad dressing.

I was grossed out. I told my husband after that I was not at all pleased. He said just about everyone does it, but usually when no one else is around.

How do you tell someone that this action was distasteful to you? I hope he never does it in a restaurant.

GENTLE READER: What was in the salad dressing?

Never mind. What should have contained more vinegar was your response to your husband. You might suggest to him a few other activities that just about everyone does when no one else is around (although Miss Manners seriously doubts that drinking salad dressing is one of them).

Are these actions acceptable -- or some of them even legal -- when done in front of others? And were there not others present at the incident in question?

It may be easier to triumph over your husband than to reform a guest. If your brother-in-law attempts it again, you could say, "Wait, I'll get you a teacup for that."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: New technology brings new challenges. Does one have a reasonable expectation of privacy while communicating online with a family member?

A young relative and I video chatted when I was recovering from a cold. Had it not been my beloved niece calling, I would not have answered a video call in that condition.

At some point during the conversation, I realized that my niece was snapping pictures of me using her computer's camera and was posting them on Facebook. I asked her not to do that, partly because I felt ill and it showed.

She seemed genuinely perplexed as to why I would object, so I tried to explain that she took the pictures without my knowledge during a private conversation and that the "gotcha" pictures she posted on her page were potentially viewable by my own friends and colleagues.

It was not a family or social event where I would expect to be in pictures; it was a personal conversation. Besides, I take special care to monitor my online presence, since it is a vital tool in today's business and social worlds.

In my opinion, notification and permission are required. Just as one should inform a caller that she is on speakerphone and others are in the room -- or that the conversation is being recorded -- one should know when a conversation might include an unwanted photo session. I realize that by mutual agreement, this may not be necessary amongst her young friends.

My example involves a casual call with a dear family member, and I certainly don't wish to dampen her familial enthusiasm. However, there must be a way to use technology respectfully and responsibly.

On the other hand, perhaps I need to get with it and be prepared for my close-up at all times?

GENTLE READER: It is not just technology that changes, Miss Manners observes. We now have a generation to whom the concept of privacy is bewildering. So, to a great extent, is the distinction between presenting oneself in public, as opposed to just slopping around.

You will have to explain these concepts to your young relative, not only for your protection, but for hers. One by one, this generation is making the painful discovery that not everyone, in the wide world to which they expose themselves, finds them endearing.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend is getting married, and I couldn't be happier for her. This past weekend she had an engagement party at the home she shares with her mother. My husband and I arrived early to help set up and stayed late to help clean, and we had a wonderful time.

I may have had too wonderful a time. The next morning I realized I had a little bit too much to drink at the party. I knew I wasn't falling all over the place but I may have been guilty of long-winded storytelling.

When I asked my husband his opinion on how I behaved toward the latter end of the party, he confirmed my suspicions, adding that I "downed that last glass of wine" as I was leaving. No other social infractions occurred, but I am so embarrassed. I called to apologize to my best friend and she chuckled and thanked us for our help, kindly glossing over my faux pas.

I still feel foolish. Should I send a note of apology to her mother? She was on the receiving end of a long-winded story or two and may have witnessed the wine guzzling as I exited.

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, the classic Day-After Dilemma.

Do you pretend that nothing unusual happened, and risk having observers presume that this is your normal behavior? Or do you apologize, and risk alerting those who failed to notice? (We will not go into the question of why your husband didn't offer you the comfort of saying, "It wasn't so bad -- I'm sure nobody really noticed.")

Miss Manners recommends writing the mother to say what a lovely party it was and how happy you are for your friend. Omit any statement of having enjoyed yourself, which could bring on the thought of yes, you certainly did.

You may be sure that if the mother noticed this, she mentioned it to her daughter, who has already shown herself to be gracious enough to dismiss it and to explain that it is atypical for you. Your having behaved well the next day by thanking your hostess should act in your favor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently contacted by my former sister-in-law via a social network. I met and married her brother in college (over 35 years ago) when she was just a little girl.

I've been divorced for years, but heard (through the grapevine) that her brother passed away several years back. They never tried to contact my son with this info.

Is it appropriate for me to ask what happened to my ex-husband, my son's father? What if he had some type of illness that my son could inherit?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but it is something of a rebuff to make that your only concern to someone who has indicated that you still matter to her. Miss Manners presumes that the family was under instructions not to be in touch, even to the extreme extent of not letting your son know of his father's death. Expressions of appreciation for her approach and condolences for her loss should create an opening for you and your son to make the many other inquiries that he, at least, must have.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy a well-laid table and appreciate that table settings are meant to help a meal progress with little trouble to the guests. When I invite guests for lunch I'm happy to take into consideration their varied dietary needs and preferences.

The most elegant solution, menu-wise, has been to offer soup, salad and sandwiches so that the vegans, the gluten-averse and the omnivores can all eat their fill.

The problem? How to serve these foods so that all can enjoy the meal at the same time. Serving the food in courses would defeat the purpose of letting guests choose the foods that suit their needs.

So how does one arrange the tableware? One or two plates? And what about the bowl? I am left wondering if it might be easier to make a vegan, gluten-free meal for all, but that would be so limiting.

GENTLE READER: Isn't there a saying, "Those who know etiquette history are content to repeat it"?

No? Perhaps that is just as well.

Nevertheless, Miss Manners enjoys plucking solutions out of the past, and she has one for you. That is, if you don't mind skipping back, oh, about a century and a half ago.

That was when Russian service, the serving of meals in several sequential courses, began to catch on. Before that, a company table would be elaborately set with everything for the main part of the meal on symmetrically arranged platters from which the guests could help themselves.

These would include a soup tureen, usually two of them with a choice of clear or cream soup. You could make one a vegetable broth. The table would be set with soup spoons and bowls that would be removed with their underliners, so that the larger plate underneath would be used for whatever the guests choose among the salads and sandwiches.

Even at huge 19th-century banquets, when fat was called "statuesque" and where such tables were artfully arranged with an overwhelming variety of dishes, guests were not expected to eat from each. The style is therefore highly suitable to today's, ah, specialized eaters.

Another custom you might revive is that of placing menu cards on the table. Not intended to resemble restaurant menus, these are pretty cards that state what is being offered so that people can choose, pace themselves, and refrain from calling out "What's that over there?" to guests across the table.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it polite to step into an elevator and continue a conversation with a friend, relative, etc., about politics or religion, with everyone else in earshot?

I feel that these subjects should be more private and should not be exposed to strangers who are not at all interested in your conversation. I believe that one's political views and religious views should be kept to oneself or discussed in private, not in public.

GENTLE READER: Rude? To the other passengers? Certainly if you were loud, or were voicing bigoted opinions or using offensive language.

But Miss Manners must warn you that the worst offence is to yourself. Others may be only too interested. And you may be sure of two things:

In every trapped audience, there is someone who thinks that your views, however sound or pious, are crazy.

That person knows someone whom you know.

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