DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to send a (pleasant) piece of correspondence to Michelle Obama. How may I address her, and how may I close my correspondence? I do want it to sound friendly but am aware of need to be "proper."

GENTLE READER: Despite the common use of the term "first lady" (which Jacqueline Kennedy noted at the time made her sound like a race horse), there is no such official title. The president's wife may be saddled with ceremonial duties, contradictory expectations and intense scrutiny, but legally she is a private citizen.

There is one small difference, however. On the envelope, she is addressed simply as "Mrs. Obama," with no first name, neither his nor hers. This is because she is THE Mrs. Obama, however many other citizens there may be by that surname. Miss Manners was once asked at the Woodrow Wilson museum why Mrs. Wilson had two sets of visiting cards, one as "Mrs. Wilson" and one as "Mrs. Woodrow Wilson." The answer was that she used the former when her husband was in office (as he was when they married), and the latter after he left office.

The salutation is simply "Dear Mrs. Obama," and the closing "Yours very truly" or "Yours sincerely," but you could stretch it to "Respectfully yours," which is the correct closing when writing the president. Of course, Miss Manners is assuming that by "friendly" you mean well-disposed, and not that you are an old friend of hers who is entitled to send love and kisses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel considerably shallow in regards to my reaction to a certain coworker that I find very unattractive. She is hugely overweight, wears entirely too much makeup and has a bad case of acne.

I find it hard to look at her and find myself looking everywhere but her face. I am aggravated with myself at my shallow attitude. Any suggestions, Miss Manners?

GENTLE READER: Indeed. As you recognize that your attitude is shallow, and the refusal to look at your coworker is rude, Miss Manners reminds you to remind yourself that you are dealing with a human being and to school yourself to look her in the eye and behave respectfully.

Miss Manners realizes that everyone is a critic, especially about appearances, and that and "I'm entitled to my opinion" is practically the national motto. But as your co-workers do not exist to meet your aesthetic standards, such opinions should be strongly suppressed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a man is in the divorce process, and his daughters are in his soon to be former sister-in-law's wedding, should he attend? He has not been invited verbally or via a written invitation. Thanks for your guidance.

GENTLE READER: You are welcome, but Miss Manners would have been able to answer the question without any guidance about the family situation. Anyone who does not receive an invitation to a wedding or any private occasion can safely assume that he is not invited and should not crash.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex and I parted ways last year, and he began seeing another woman shortly after. They are now engaged. While I wish him every happiness, I was surprised, to say the least, when I learned of some of their wedding plans.

While we were together, we had discussed possible wedding ideas, down to flowers, music and attire. After a recent chat with a mutual friend involved in the wedding, I learned that he has essentially applied one of our wedding plans to them! His attire was my idea, her dress is similar to my choice, she will walk down the aisle to our (former) song, and even her wedding bouquet is nearly identical, down to an unusual floral combination and ribbon inserts in my favorite color (a color she doesn't even like!)

As my invitation has been rescinded (at her request), I am unsure how to proceed. Am I allowed to ask them to change some of the wedding details? Or should I let him and the situation go?

GENTLE READER: He is going anyway. What possible satisfaction could you have from hanging onto the bouquet design?

Don't tell Miss Manners that you planned to use it in case you marry someone else; you have already made it clear that you consider the plans to be symbolic of your broken romance.

Her guess is that the bridegroom was asked for wedding ideas and came up with these, ignoring or forgetting that he had developed them with you. Do you really want to show him that you have more emotional attachment to your joint plans, now canceled, than he does?

But as you do feel that, Miss Manners would think that you would take satisfaction from knowing that the bride is wearing a color she dislikes under the impression that it is her bridegroom's favorite, when it is really yours.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been playing in a weekly mahjong game (similar to cards) for several years. Of the six regular players, three of them repeatedly take cell phone calls from their teenage children during the game. None of these calls could be considered even close to an emergency and are of a trivial nature (e.g. their latest test score, they need more contact lenses, etc).

The offending players make all of us hold up play and listen to discussions lasting one or two minutes. One woman takes at least three phone calls an afternoon. The game only lasts for three hours.

I have tried modeling the correct etiquette when I have received an occasional call by quickly telling the caller that I was busy at the moment but would call them back later. I have tried to make a joke about how I've trained my family to not disturb the sacred time of mahjong. Nobody seems to get the hint. Is there anything I can say that will encourage my friends to keep their cell phone conversations to a minimum?

GENTLE READER: As a player of games, and a member of a group that meets regularly, you know about rules. Miss Manners suggests that you pick a time when you have not been so interrupted to make the general proposal that outside distractions, whether online shopping or telephone calls, not be allowed during the game.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am putting together a baby-shower luncheon for a co-worker. It is a second baby and more of a get-together than a full-fledged shower. They call it a "sprinkle" -- small gifts second time around. Around 10 people.

How do I invite people to a lunch and also inform them they have to pay for their own lunch?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners may say so, "sprinkle" is an unfortunate term for an occasion having to do with an infant. Yet she thoroughly approves of efforts to seek refuge from the now-common shower that is more of a deluge. Such events -- and she is including showers for first babies as well as wedding showers -- have turned from light-hearted events to pretentious ones with serious outlays of money.

So by all means have an informal little get-together with whoever among you colleagues cares to participate. You are not inviting them, but merely organizing the event, so it should be phrased as "Some of us are taking Tabitha out to lunch to celebrate. Would you like to join us?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it incorrect etiquette to touch your teeth to the tines of a fork, or to the body of a spoon, while eating?

GENTLE READER: Yes, and it is incorrect for other diners to wince if this is done, but they plead to Miss Manners that they can't help it. You can.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the past five years, I have established a successful freelance writing business, relying on referrals, networking and hours of cold calls to connect with new clients. Now, an acquaintance of mine has become a freelance writer, and she asked me to "get her on her feet" by providing her with my entire list of client contacts!

My business is built on those relationships, and I wouldn't give that list to my own mother if she asked. If this acquaintance were a good writer, I might give her one or two names to get her started -- but she's not, and I'm concerned that referring her to my clients will damage my own reputation.

How can I politely decline her request? She keeps asking, and I'm running out of ways to put it off.

GENTLE READER: How about "I wouldn't give that list to my own mother if she asked"? Or perhaps a gentler, "Sorry, but that's a confidential business matter I don't share with anyone."

It strikes Miss Manners that you have a perfectly valid reason that you can easily explain politely -- provided you leave out the part about what a bad writer your acquaintance is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepson is estranged from his father, and I want to include him in the obit but not list him as his son. May I do this? However, I want to list my children from another marriage but not indicate they are stepchildren. Please advise. This is a ticklish subject.

GENTLE READER: An attempt to have your husband disown his son posthumously strikes Miss Manners as outrageous, and no reputable news outlet will accept it. In contrast, frankly including stepchildren is perfectly acceptable. If you are talking about posting your own notice, you can fudge it by grouping them all, regardless of the emotional ties, as his survivors.

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