DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have heard that breaking a date for any reason other than absolute emergency is unacceptable, but I rather feel that under the circumstances, keeping the date would be inappropriate.

You see, I accepted the invitation two weeks before the date was scheduled to occur and have since come to the startling realization that I cannot continue seeing the boy in question. My initial reaction is to tell him immediately, as I feel anything less would be leading him on, yet I have a date scheduled with him for later in the week. Shall I let him take me to the theater, only to tell him afterward that I no longer wish to see him? Would that not be cruel and seeming to take advantage of the opportunity to see a free show?

Perhaps it would be easier if he had done something to seriously offend me that would warrant the breaking of a date, but the truth is, he is a singularly unique and wonderful individual and I could hope for no better companion. He is thoughtful, intelligent, respectful and kind.

It is through no fault of his own that I've found I do not want him (though I feel a wretched creature for it). The facts are simply these: I feel no passion for him. Not passion, as in lust, but passion, meaning I cannot wait to hear what he has to say, nor get back together with him. Often I find my eyes glazing over a bit when he talks (aren't I perfectly horrid?) and I've noticed on occasion the same happens to him when I speak.

Another pressing question is this: How do I break things off with him? We've been going on dates for a couple of months and all the while, I felt something was off but could not put a finger on it. Now that I can, I know things must end. I feel I've led him on. I dislike that feeling greatly, and I wish to set things right the best I am able.

Please, Miss Manners, tell me, is there any way to break things off well? When he asks why, what can I say? "I feel no passion for you"? I feel that would be the height of cruelty, especially right after the theater.

GENTLE READER: You feel horrid? How do you think Miss Manners feels when you put her in the position of declaring that breaking a date is worse than breaking a heart?

Yet she cannot deny that hearts must sometimes be broken. Surely that is all the more reason that one should refrain from breaking other things -- dates, china, wind -- when one can.

A key question here is whether the gentleman has purchased theater tickets. It is bad enough to be rejected without immediately having to call around to find someone else to use the ticket. It sounds as if you have been seeing him long enough to endure one more evening, at the end of which you can say, "I enjoyed this very much, but I find that for various reasons, I'm going to be a lot less available now."

Miss Manners is aware that there is a strong school of thought that believes in giving honest reasons for breaking up a romance. She is all the more grateful that you understand the cruelty of declaring someone unattractive, which is always what that comes down to. Attractiveness is, after all, a subjective quality, and someone else would be bound to find your reject attractive -- if not for the hangdog look that would be left on his face from your honest assessment.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: While shopping the other day with my mother, we ran into a family friend/acquaintance and her newborn son. While my mom cooed over him, I turned to her and asked how she was doing.

She started talking about her baby. I stood there with a smile on my face and agreed that her son was cute. When leaving, I told her "It was nice to see you."

After we were out of earshot, my mother jumped all over me, wanting to know why I was so rude. I couldn't understand it. I believe I was polite, but no, I did not fawn all over the baby. I pointed out to my mother that while I asked how she was, she didn't ask how I was doing.

Is it a necessity that a newborn is the center of all conversations? Would it have been better if I had gone straight for the baby talk and exclamations about his attributes?

Now that she's a mother, is she no longer expected to participate in pleasantries? I understand that she's had a major life change, but does that mean that all talk now has to be about her and the baby and nothing else?

GENTLE READER: Can you not manage to squeeze out one "What an adorable baby!" before moving on to other subjects?

Granted, you are not interested in babies, and the new mother is now interested in little else. Miss Manners is not asking you to do a full kitchy-kitchy-koo. However, it is customary to declare all babies adorable; that is the tribute we pay to the future. One of those babies will grow up to be your gerontologist.

Besides, you soon discovered that you were not going to get any other conversation out of the new mother, so you could have paid your compliment and moved on, comforting yourself that in a short time, your friend, no less besotted with her child, will nevertheless be longing for some adult conversation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to an engagement party/dinner. In the envelope, a small card was inserted reading, "We kindly request that you leave the choice of the gift to the engaged couple."

How exactly should I take this? I always thought that when you get engaged you do not get a gift. When you get married you get a gift, and what happens if the wedding would get called off?

I was thrown off by what feels like a rude way of asking for money! Please help me in my understanding of this.

GENTLE READER: You understand this perfectly well: Rude people are making a blatant attempt to exploit their friends. Personally, Miss Manners would be inclined to let them have the pleasure of handling their own presents entirely -- choosing, finding and purchasing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I take day trips with a seniors group. The trips usually include group lunches. Frequently, a person will say to us, "You don't eat very much."

We think that is rude. We don't mention to them that they eat too much -- or too fast -- as most of them do. How do we respond to their comments?

GENTLE READER: Aside from the folly of getting into a discussion of your eating habits, Miss Manners advises a non-quite-relevant answer to throw such people off balance. "It's delicious, isn't it?" for example.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I get bent out of shape when my dinner guests cross their legs at the dinner table. Both men and women do this. It is rude, unsightly to me, and a breach of etiquette, right? Should I say something to the offenders?

GENTLE READER: Such as "Dinner will be here as soon as I get up from under the table"?

If you cannot bend yourself back into shape, Miss Manners recommends refraining from doing an under-the-table leg check. A long tablecloth might help restore your equanimity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents received an invitation to a niece's wedding that stated "Adults Only" and "Black Tie" in fine print. Black Tie means men in tuxedo and women in formal wear, correct?

They are miffed by this turn of events, as they have already bought nice casual wear (South Beach Miami) and this is the first they have heard that the affair is to be formal.

GENTLE READER: What basis did your parents have for assuming that this wedding would be not be formal? They may never have seen the couple dressed in anything but cutoff jeans or bathing suits, but that does not preclude their going all out on this occasion.

All weddings are formal by definition, although they are not all black tie, which means what you think it does. Some are even more formal -- morning dress or white tie -- and some less, but truly casual weddings are rare.

However, Miss Manners does have good news for your parents: Nowadays, weddings are often two or three day festivals, at least one of which their new clothes may conform to the style.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have attended two wakes in the last few months at which the ex-spouses have been present in the condolence lines, often found at the end of the line. This has raised an eyebrow or two.

As the ex-spouse is an EX and the current spouse is grieving, should both be present?

GENTLE READER: Whose were those wandering eyebrows?

If they belonged to the immediately surviving spouse or children, the presence of a former spouse might be seen as an attempt to barge back into a family at the wrong time. If they belonged to outsiders, Miss Manners hopes they will settle back down where they belong. Bereaved families have enough sorrow without having to endure the criticism of others.

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