DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an acquaintance who is planning a "shop at the mall" birthday party for her preteen daughter. Both of our families have been blessed in that our incomes have not been affected by the recession, nonetheless I am aghast at her insensitivity.

It seems so rude to me, not only to assume that people have the discretionary income to fork out for a shopping spree, but to also put their daughters in the possible situation of seeing other girls get to spend more money than they. (Granted, this is a life lesson children have to learn at some point, but is an all-girl birthday party really the place for that?)

The mother has also categorically stated that she will not be funding the purchasing habits of the girls, which means parents will be buying gifts for the birthday girl AND their own children! I feel this birthday party is going to become more of an obligation than a celebration.

The mother asked for opinions on this party, but we are not close enough friends to where I felt able to state my feelings exactly. What was a polite way I could have pointed out the potential hurt feelings that might result?

And am I wrong in thinking this way? My daughter is much younger and not in the "birthday party circuit" yet. Is this how parties are now?

GENTLE READER: Only among those who believe that pubescent girls need to be encouraged to believe that it is their duty to keep stimulating the economy by buying things for the pure sake of buying. And, as you point out, also to shame their peers who cannot comply.

As your daughter is not directly affected, you needn't be involved, and as you do not know the mother well, you could shrug this off. People who ask around for opinions usually want only validation.

But Miss Manners understands that you are thinking ahead to when you could be the only parent to tell her daughter that no, you are not financing a shopping spree for her every time someone she knows has a birthday. It would be easier to say it now.

You should speak gently and thoughtfully, as if the inventor of this scheme might come to agree: "Well, it's just not the kind of thing we would participate in.

I'd worry that Amantha's friends might not have the money to spend, or that their parents might feel that they don't want to encourage extravagance."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepfather recently passed away, is it proper for me to send a sympathy card to my mother? They were married when I was 21 and were married for 28 years.

GENTLE READER: A card? Your mother lost her husband, and all you are suggesting in the way of comforting her is to send a card?

Miss Manners is aware that an industry exists that assures people that its canned messages are caring and even -- in commercial doublespeak -- personal.

No -- personal is still done personally. If you cannot visit your mother, you can at least telephone and write. If you have pleasant memories of your stepfather, this is the time to share them; but even if you don't, you can listen respectfully to hers and assure her that you feel for her and are ready to help in adjustments she might have to make in her living arrangements.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband finally divorced his ex-wife after several years of her fighting it. She told me that she would revert back to her maiden name after the divorce because, in her mind, she is going to re-marry and would be changing her name again, so why keep his name? (They do have a child together, but the child was 1-year-old when they separated and has never known them as a married couple. He is now 4.)

Now she is saying that she is keeping his name because she can't imagine telling her son why her last name is different.

Regardless of that flawed rationale (he doesn't understand the significance of a last name at this age, and like I said, never knew his parents together), I just find it rude that she is keeping her married name now that her ex is remarried and I have taken his name.

Isn't it just plain tacky to keep your ex's name once he is remarried?

GENTLE READER: You will love hearing what the real tradition is:

In gentler times (or rougher times, depending on your point of view) it was assumed that a divorced lady was always the innocent victim of male misbehavior.

Even if she had run away with the children's dancing master, her husband was supposed to allow her to sue for divorce, to save her reputation, such as it was.

Therefore, a divorced lady who did not remarry was known by the full married designation of the time, as Mrs. Humphrey Twiddlefeather, even if another lady had subsequently taken on the husband and the name.

Consider yourself lucky that this is generally no longer done. Miss Manners advises you not to push your luck by trying to deprive the lady of the surname that legitimately became hers and for which the rationale is not at all silly. Silly is arguing that a child who may not yet be interested in names -- and in the family identification of sharing a surname with his mother -- never will be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice in the last week, I have been asked by complete strangers if they could borrow my cell phone. Both of these individuals were male and may simply have needed to make a call.

However, both of these individuals made me uneasy, and I feared that they could possibly run away with my cell phone and then I would need to replace it at great expense and quickly too, as I rely on it for my work as a home care nurse.

What is the most polite way to decline this type of request? As much as I love to help people solve their problems, when a red flag rises for me, I do not believe that I need to put myself at risk in order to do so.

GENTLE READER: As Miss Manners understands it, neither of these petitioners was lying pinned under a car, pleading for a way to get help. If there is no plausible distress, you would not be rude in saying, "I'm so sorry, but I never lend it. If this is an emergency, I can call for you. Perhaps there is a store nearby that will let you make a quick call."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I were sitting at our kitchen table having a beer the other night. He accidentally knocked his beer over, spilling some out onto the table before it could be turned upright.

I was absolutely shocked when he proceeded to loudly suck up the spilled beer from the table.

My face apparently showed my shock. A long argument then ensued over the questionable appropriateness of his action and my reaction.

Can you please help me to better articulate why sucking up a spilled drink from a table is just flat wrong?

GENTLE READER: Try explaining that any behavior that would be considered offensive in a dog is also offensive in a human being (although you needn't alarm your pet because the reverse is not necessarily true).

Miss Manners suggests that you head off further trouble by informing your beau that just as he is barred from licking the table when he is thirsty, he is also barred from chewing your slippers when he is hungry.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please tell me if there was once a napkin-fold rule to let your host know whether or not you enjoyed the meal by leaving your napkin folded toward or away from the rim of the plate?

GENTLE READER: Thus enabling the hosts to run around the table afterwards to check whether their guests praised or panned the meal?

Where, Miss Manners wonders, would you get such an idea?

The proper way to inform your hosts that you enjoyed the meal is to thank them, both at the time and the next day in a letter. There is no way to register dissatisfaction.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is in the Army and just got sent overseas. I plan on having him in my wedding. I got an e-mail from him stating. "I am wearing my Class As in your wedding."

I am very proud of my brother but feel that it's "our day" (my fiance and me) and not all about him showing off his outfit. We have other friends in the wedding who are in the Navy, and we don't want them in their Class A's either.

I told my bother that my fiance and I decided that we would like him to be consistent with everyone else in the wedding party and dress the same as the other guys, in tuxes. He then told me I was being disrespectful by telling him he can't wear his Class As, that they are to be worn to show that he has fought for our country and he proudly displays that.

Am I being a bridezilla by telling him to dress in a tux?

GENTLE READER: You sure are.

The classic sign of a bridezilla is to regard her wedding as an occasion for showing off, for which potential rivals must be squelched. A proper bride regards her wedding as a solemn yet festive occasion that involves two families and their friends, such as they are.

Miss Manners does acknowledge that you may specify formal dress for the wedding and hope for the best. But first you must educate yourself on the subject: The Class A military uniform IS formal dress.

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