DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband finally divorced his ex-wife after several years of her fighting it. She told me that she would revert back to her maiden name after the divorce because, in her mind, she is going to re-marry and would be changing her name again, so why keep his name? (They do have a child together, but the child was 1-year-old when they separated and has never known them as a married couple. He is now 4.)

Now she is saying that she is keeping his name because she can't imagine telling her son why her last name is different.

Regardless of that flawed rationale (he doesn't understand the significance of a last name at this age, and like I said, never knew his parents together), I just find it rude that she is keeping her married name now that her ex is remarried and I have taken his name.

Isn't it just plain tacky to keep your ex's name once he is remarried?

GENTLE READER: You will love hearing what the real tradition is:

In gentler times (or rougher times, depending on your point of view) it was assumed that a divorced lady was always the innocent victim of male misbehavior.

Even if she had run away with the children's dancing master, her husband was supposed to allow her to sue for divorce, to save her reputation, such as it was.

Therefore, a divorced lady who did not remarry was known by the full married designation of the time, as Mrs. Humphrey Twiddlefeather, even if another lady had subsequently taken on the husband and the name.

Consider yourself lucky that this is generally no longer done. Miss Manners advises you not to push your luck by trying to deprive the lady of the surname that legitimately became hers and for which the rationale is not at all silly. Silly is arguing that a child who may not yet be interested in names -- and in the family identification of sharing a surname with his mother -- never will be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice in the last week, I have been asked by complete strangers if they could borrow my cell phone. Both of these individuals were male and may simply have needed to make a call.

However, both of these individuals made me uneasy, and I feared that they could possibly run away with my cell phone and then I would need to replace it at great expense and quickly too, as I rely on it for my work as a home care nurse.

What is the most polite way to decline this type of request? As much as I love to help people solve their problems, when a red flag rises for me, I do not believe that I need to put myself at risk in order to do so.

GENTLE READER: As Miss Manners understands it, neither of these petitioners was lying pinned under a car, pleading for a way to get help. If there is no plausible distress, you would not be rude in saying, "I'm so sorry, but I never lend it. If this is an emergency, I can call for you. Perhaps there is a store nearby that will let you make a quick call."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I were sitting at our kitchen table having a beer the other night. He accidentally knocked his beer over, spilling some out onto the table before it could be turned upright.

I was absolutely shocked when he proceeded to loudly suck up the spilled beer from the table.

My face apparently showed my shock. A long argument then ensued over the questionable appropriateness of his action and my reaction.

Can you please help me to better articulate why sucking up a spilled drink from a table is just flat wrong?

GENTLE READER: Try explaining that any behavior that would be considered offensive in a dog is also offensive in a human being (although you needn't alarm your pet because the reverse is not necessarily true).

Miss Manners suggests that you head off further trouble by informing your beau that just as he is barred from licking the table when he is thirsty, he is also barred from chewing your slippers when he is hungry.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please tell me if there was once a napkin-fold rule to let your host know whether or not you enjoyed the meal by leaving your napkin folded toward or away from the rim of the plate?

GENTLE READER: Thus enabling the hosts to run around the table afterwards to check whether their guests praised or panned the meal?

Where, Miss Manners wonders, would you get such an idea?

The proper way to inform your hosts that you enjoyed the meal is to thank them, both at the time and the next day in a letter. There is no way to register dissatisfaction.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is in the Army and just got sent overseas. I plan on having him in my wedding. I got an e-mail from him stating. "I am wearing my Class As in your wedding."

I am very proud of my brother but feel that it's "our day" (my fiance and me) and not all about him showing off his outfit. We have other friends in the wedding who are in the Navy, and we don't want them in their Class A's either.

I told my bother that my fiance and I decided that we would like him to be consistent with everyone else in the wedding party and dress the same as the other guys, in tuxes. He then told me I was being disrespectful by telling him he can't wear his Class As, that they are to be worn to show that he has fought for our country and he proudly displays that.

Am I being a bridezilla by telling him to dress in a tux?

GENTLE READER: You sure are.

The classic sign of a bridezilla is to regard her wedding as an occasion for showing off, for which potential rivals must be squelched. A proper bride regards her wedding as a solemn yet festive occasion that involves two families and their friends, such as they are.

Miss Manners does acknowledge that you may specify formal dress for the wedding and hope for the best. But first you must educate yourself on the subject: The Class A military uniform IS formal dress.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in one side of a duplex, the other half of which is occupied by what seems to be a nice, normal younger couple (low- to mid-30s.)

We have exchanged a few short, pleasant conversations about lawn care and the weather and such, but not much past that.

The other day I was sitting on my couch and I spied the man of the couple peering in my bathroom window for a good 30 seconds or so. I didn't move or say anything, just watched him, unsure what to do.

I do have curtains up, but I wish I could feel comfortable letting some light in without worrying about Peeping Toms.

Is there a polite way to address this with him? I keep trying to think of an innocent reason why he'd be looking in my windows and am bothered by not being able to find an answer. Should I talk to him about it? If so, how?

GENTLE READER: It certainly isn't easy to find an innocent excuse. Miss Manners has been trying -- not because she hopes to find a plausible one, but as an opener for letting the neighbor know that he is observed while observing.

"I saw you looking into our bathroom window the other day," you might say in an ordinary tone of voice. "Did you suspect something wrong?"

It will then be the neighbor's turn to think of a respectable excuse, but in any case, he will have been warned. If he does it again, or if you see him peeking into other houses, it will be time to report this as not being an accident, but a crime.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We bought Christmas presents for many of our young acquaintances, from a well-known maker of quality toys. We mailed them around the country, and the children seemed to enjoy them very much.

We learned this week that the toy has been recalled due to short circuits. We immediately forwarded the e-mail and the refund link to all the parents involved, with our sincere apologies. Is this a sufficient response?

The thought that we put any of these children in danger horrifies us, as we acted in good faith. In addition to the refund, should we send another toy, or a cash gift, along with a note? This seems to be a problem that is becoming more common, and I am hoping you could suggest some guidelines.

GENTLE READER: The thought that you would have to start Christmas shopping all over again exhausts Miss Manners, so she can imagine how it strikes you. Yet she understands your frustration that, through no fault of yours, the toys with which you pleased those children were confiscated from them.

Sending checks seems superfluous, as the refunds will provide the parents with money for replacement toys. Notes of apology to the children (with simple explanations about safety, if they are old enough to understand) with token presents would be charming, but not necessary.

: