DEAR MISS MANNERS: Has anyone else noticed the intrusive questions being asked by clerks or salespeople under the guise of friendliness? In stores or banks now I am asked: "How is your day going so far?" When I have had a difficult day, I wonder, does the questioner really want to know, especially if I'm dealing with some difficult issues? Should I tell them the details just so they will learn that it is an inappropriate question?

Last night at the bank I was asked, "What are your plans for the evening?"

Anything I could say to indicate my displeasure with the nosy question (e.g., "None of your business") would be rude, and I am sure that these individuals are being told to do this by their managers, so I do not want to take it out on them. (A friend suggested I say, "I'm going to bury my husband.")

I now yearn for the days when I got away with the simple phrase "Have a nice day!" (which, mercifully, required little or no response on my part). How would you advise discouraging this intrusiveness?

GENTLE READER: Whoever came up with the idea of substituting pseudo-friendliness for cheerful professionalism in commerce has a lot to answer for. The phrases Miss Manners likes to hear are not inquiries into her habits and psyche, but a simple greeting and "May I help you?"

Fortunately, unanswerable questions need not be answered. Acknowledged, out of common decency, but not answered. Any pleasantry will do -- "Good afternoon" for example -- before you get down to business by asking "Do you carry canary cages?" or whatever it was that you took you there. It probably wasn't the hope of making friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I teach math to struggling students at an elementary school. Yesterday, our school principal decided to hold his own tutoring session for the fifth graders. Unfortunately, he taught them an incorrect method for comparing fractions. This came to my attention later that same day when the students told me what they learned. They got every math problem I gave them wrong because they were using the principal's method to compare fractions. I know his method was incorrect because I checked the answers in the answer book and arrived at the same answers on my own.

I'm wondering, how can I tell the students that what the principal taught them was incorrect, and how should I approach the principal to inform him of this problem?

GENTLE READER: As a mathematician, you are understandably accustomed to thinking in terms of Right and Wrong. Allow Miss Manners to introduce you to the world of diplomacy, where there is -- theoretically -- no such choice (because when there is, diplomacy is abandoned for war).

There are, instead, misunderstandings. Being misunderstood is not insulting; indeed, people love to claim that they are being misunderstood.

Thus you can tell your principal that the children must have misunderstood his instructions, because they are doing X and getting thus getting the wrong answers, whereas, as you and he both know, the correct method is Y. You can then suggest that he return to the classroom to clarify what he meant, but add that you would be glad to do this for him.

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(EDITORS In the last Q&A, Miss Manners is intentionally responding to a sentence fragment. )

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently became a widower following my late wife's lengthy illness. After her diagnosis, we both had time to plan both her final arrangements and for my one day becoming the surviving spouse. This was never a pleasant consideration, but I do feel that it prepared us well for the inevitable.

We discovered during her illness that there are two fairly distinct groups of well-wishers: The first is those who genuinely but matter-of-factly say: "How are you doing? We're so sorry to hear of your condition and hope your recovery is going smoothly. Please let us know if we can do anything to help," and then promptly get back to the business of conversing with the living.

The second is the group who approach with hang-dog faces, tilted heads sad puppy dog eyes, and almost moan out essentially the same sentiment but never seem to want to get off the subject. (This seems a bit incendiary for Miss Manners, but we came to refer to the latter group as "grief groupies.")

A few weeks after her passing, I attended my first subdued social event as a widower. I enjoyed the company and dinner but left somewhat early, being the only single among a small crowd of couples.

After my departure, my closest friend was approached by someone who said,

"How's Ed really doing?" My friend assured him that I was handling things as well as could be expected and seemed to be doing a good job of getting on with my life.

The "well-wisher" assured my friend, based on some past personal experience, that was probably not the case at all and proceeded to ramble on about how griefstricken I must be.

I'm sorely tempted to reply to such people with something akin to, "I'm doing well except for those people who seemingly won't be happy until I'm miserable," but I know better than that. My parents (and my wife) raised me to handle situations like this with as much grace as one is able to muster, but it just infuriates me to be told how I'm supposed to grieve.

It's difficult enough as it is without being chastised for my technique!

I learned from my wife (who had to repeatedly handle this during her illness) to be as pleasant as possible as briefly as possible but to eventually cut off excessive grieving with, "Well, surely there must be something more interesting to talk about than this. How have you and Mrs. Buttinski been doing?"

Would Miss Manners be so kind as to offer some other techniques for handling the "overly grieving"?

GENTLE READER: It is a particular plague of modern society that everyone considers himself a freelance therapist, serving humanity by telling others how they feel.

You were fortunate that your wife gave you such a good example. Miss Manners can only adapt for your situation. You can hardly say that your loss is uninteresting. But you can say, in a tone speaking more of sensitivity than

indignation, "It's not something I care to discuss" if you immediately follow that, as your wife did, by asking a politely neutral question about the speaker.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How to behave at family reunion?

GENTLE READER: So as not to disgrace the family. Miss Manners imagines that you know better than she what would do it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the DMV for an extended wait to renew my license, I was reading my book and eating the sunflower seeds I brought to occupy my time.

Suddenly, a person from the row behind me (a person I had neither seen nor spoken to prior) taps me on the shoulder and says, "Can I have some of those?"

I shook my head, "No." Frankly I felt that person had "overstepped".

I seem to be the only one not horrified by my response ...Was I wrong? Is there no boundary to sharing?

Had I been in a conversation with or sitting next to the person, I might have offered the food on my own. I may have felt more compelled to "share" if asked to do so, but it seemed rude to me for a total stranger to approach me from behind and request some of my food!

GENTLE READER: How extended was the wait at the Department of Motor Vehicles?

Miss Manners wonders if this person hadn't had a meal in days, for fear of losing his place in line.

As for stepping out of line in the other sense, of course that person did. He didn't even say "please." But then you didn't even say "sorry," and it was probably your curt response that horrified people rather than your decision not to hand around your snack.

One rudeness does not excuse another. You should have shaken your head as if in regret and said, "Sorry, I only brought these to sustain myself. There might be a vending machine around here somewhere, and I'll be glad to hold your place."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been trying to find out when reading is rude. My husband and I share a home with my sister. She reads a lot, which is fine; however, I think it is rude to come into a room or to a table when we are there having a conversation and sit and start reading. She doesn't get it!

Today I asked her if she would like some wine and cheese and crackers and she said yes, then came and started reading her book. I THINK IT IS RUDE. Is there a book or article you know of on the subject? To me reading a newspaper or a magazine is different then being engrossed in a novel. Do I have a valid point?

GENTLE READER: If you do, Miss Manners cannot figure out what it is.

Your sister is not a guest; she lives with you. Is she not entitled to use the common rooms of the house for the harmless pastime of reading? Do you suspect she is there to listen to private conversation, in which case, why don't you hold it in your private room? What on earth is the difference what she is reading?

Perhaps you simply want more of her company. In that case, Miss Manners suggests inviting her to agree to regular family meals, at which reading would indeed be rude.

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