DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always been a firm believer in donating to worthy causes when income permits; however, does this include using one's tax deductible donation as a Christmas gift to the entire family?

Three years ago, my mother was approached by a nonprofit organization that provides animals and training to assist impoverished families in other countries become more self-reliant. On the surface, this sounds great and also seems to be a wonderful way to assist others in need.

The problem is that instead of Christmas, she has decided that her donation should serve as the gift to each adult child, grandchild, sibling, niece and nephew in the family. Each Christmas day, all members of the family receive a card that talks about the organization that she has donated to.

The card states, "in your honor, a gift has been made." Obviously, she gets the tax deduction, and this serves as her Christmas gift to each family member.

There has never been any discussion with the family or notification that she would no longer be participating in gift exchanges with anyone (especially the grandchildren). She does, however, accept any and all gifts given to her. It seems that if she were trying to set an example for the family, she would insist on no gifts for herself.

It also seems that she would get the idea that after three years, she has not inspired the family to donate to the charity that she has chosen.

Just to get you up to speed, my family donates hundreds of hours to local charities and nonprofit organizations. We also serve on the board of several. In addition, my family hosts a fundraiser for a local no-profit with 100 percent of the proceeds going to the organization.

We have never thought to use this as an excuse to not exchange Christmas gifts. This is something we have done for 12-plus years, and we understand that our charity and tax deduction is our business, not a gift to the entire family. This is something that we do because we want to, but we do not expect other family members to feel that same way about these organizations. When times are lean, we tend to spend less, but volunteer more.

Are we wrong in feeling this way about Mom's donation-deduction Christmas gift?

GENTLE READER: You can hardly regard it as something she thought up on the hope that it would delight you and the various children. But it has probably given her a delightful sense of piety. Unlike the rest of you, who are out buying material things -- you hopeless consumers, you -- including things for her, she is observing the true spirit of Christmas by thinking of Others. Not you who are related to her, but Others.

And maybe just a bit of herself, for having escaped Christmas shopping, with all its hassle and expenditures, and having gained a tax credit. Christmas charity is a fine idea, Miss Manners agrees. But charity in lieu of presents works only if 1) those concerned agree to it as a policy, and 2) the particular charities chosen are those that are of interest to those being honored. Families that feel that presents have become superfluous or burdensome sometimes do this.

It is time for you to have such discussions with your mother. If she wants to substitute charitable donations for presents, you could suggest that either the recipients be allowed to choose their own charities or that you use the occasion to forgo an exchange of presents with her -- it needn't affect your exchanges with other relatives -- and add to your own charitable donations.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a child, I was raised knowing that Santa Claus was not real, and the "True Meaning of Christmas" was always emphasized. I received plenty of Christmas gifts from my parents and grandparents and was every bit as excited as any other child, although I knew they did not come from a jolly man at the North Pole.

My husband and I have chosen not to accentuate Santa Claus to our 2-year-old son, either.

I come into situations each holiday season where people automatically assume that my son's gifts came from Santa and proceed to ask him or me about it. Although he doesn't quite understand yet, I would like to have a polite response when I am questioned about the origin of the gifts.

I have been told such things as I am "ruining the magic of Christmas" for my child and some have even gone so far as to say that I am a "bad mother."

As I am starting to dread the holiday season, could you please tell me how to politely explain that this is how we have chosen to raise our child, and I know from personal experience that Christmas will not lose any of its magic or joy simply by the omission of a mythical man from the North Pole?

GENTLE READER: The holidays are always going to be mighty hard for you -- and eventually for your son -- if you keep turning idle chatter into theological debates.

Not that Miss Manners excuses people who challenge your childrearing or that she wishes to do so herself. She only suspects that you may be provoking others unnecessarily.

Miss Manners very much doubts that the subject comes up because these people, rude though they may turn out to be, are conducting an inquisition to see which toddlers truly believe. More likely, they meant to engage your son by asking what he wants or has received from Santa Claus.

"Nothing" is not a good answer. It will only lead to undesirable discussions. And if you think you have a difficult time with adults over this, imagine what he will encounter when he attempts to deal with the question among his little peers.

You don't want him challenging children who do believe in Santa Claus.

At least Miss Manners hopes not. That would turn him into a junior version of just the sort of proselytizing busybody of whom you complain.

The reality is that the Santa Claus concept is so thoroughly a part of the American Christmas that you must accept its presence in holiday chatter.

Presumably your son knows about fictional characters and the fondness people have for them from the stories you read him. So explain to him -- and remind yourself -- that "Santa Claus" is a character many people use as a way of talking about Christmas presents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught that it is bad manners to state "I'm full" at the end of the meal. My husband comes from a northern family, and he wants to know why it is considered in poor taste. I have tried to explain it to him, but my explanations are inadequate. Could you help me?

GENTLE READER: It is in poor taste for the very reason that it works: It brings to mind the picture of what happens when you put more into something that is already full.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Where is the proper place to hang your college diploma at home?

GENTLE READER: Wherever it will best remind you, rather than your guests, that nevertheless, you have a lot to learn. Miss Manners suggests near your bathroom mirror.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there an etiquette rule about checking with the mother of a young child before giving the young child a gift for any occasion?

We would never give a live animal or items like toy guns and loud toys to young children. But several of us have been reprimanded by mothers as being disrespectful because we did not check with them first about giving a gift or giving a particular gift.

We also have noticed a trend of receiving a pointed thank you note that lets the sender know the gift was not appreciated. One friend actually received a thank you note that basically said thanks for remembering my child, but truthfully, the child liked the box in which the gift was sent better than the gift. The gift sent was dinosaur pajamas and small toy dinosaur.

Maybe the comment was meant to be cute, but it seemed very tactless and hurtful.

Our reaction to these behaviors is not to give a gift again to the child, but that seems to be punishing the child for the actions of the mother.

Honestly, we would be happy to see a long store gift list in these cases.

Are we being disrespectful by not checking out our gifts with the mothers ahead of time? We hesitate because sometimes they give only one suggestion. That suggestion can be hard to find in the stores or too expensive for our budgets.

We have thought about giving a gift certificate, but we don't think that is much fun for the child to open. We would welcome your thoughts.

GENTLE READER: Not everybody does, because Miss Manners is opposed to gift registries, which would solve the problem of unwanted presents (as many an annoyed Gentle Reader has pointed out). Her persnickety objection is merely that it ruins the entire point of giving presents, which is to show symbolically that the giver thought about the other person.

We already know that people are thinking about themselves and what they want.

Parents do have to make sure that their children's toys are not dangerous or against their house rules. But that is far from making the parent the child's personal shopper, with your part being merely to pay the bill. In that case, you are not even establishing a separate relationship with the child; you are merely a resource for his parents.

The sensible course would be to ask what the child's interests are, and use that to make your own choice. But not of the family who got the dinosaur-themed presents. To complain about a well-intentioned present is a gross insult. From the mother's indignation, Miss Manners had assumed that your friend gave the child a home bomb-making kit.

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