DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a long-time Gentle Reader, I am usually loathe to complain about the vagaries and insults of modern life (knowing full well that it does no good, generally), but I herewith tender an observation about the new "seasons."

Those that used to be called spring, summer, fall and winter now seem to have devolved into two "procurement seasons": that of spring and summer graduation and wedding "procurements," and that of Christmas or holiday "procurements."

By this I mean requests for money after having had the gifts already chosen by the recipients or their family members. I was just asked to send a check to cover "my" Christmas gift for a child, the parents having chosen what the child wanted and then dunning the "giver" for the cost.

Of course, I was reassured that a card bearing my name would be placed in the appropriate spot on the package. Comforting, indeed.

Call me old-fashioned, but I do recall a time when it was a pleasure to seek out the perfect gift, and watch the recipient open said gift with what one hoped would be surprise and joy. It would appear this charming ceremony has gone the way of crinoline petticoats and white gloves.

And whilst I am about it, very often the "request" amounts are usually more than the "giver" would have chosen to spend, propelling said unhappy "giver" into penury, or, at the very least, straightened circumstances.

GENTLE READER: You know what? You do not have to comply with this form of extortion. These requests are not binding debts. You may use your own judgment and budget in selecting presents, and if the recipients object, you may consider that they neither understand nor welcome true giving.

What most troubles Miss Manners is that the practice of soliciting funds and prechosen goods is so commonplace that many -- perhaps most -- people now think it is respectable to demand handouts. A once-proud people have become beggars, not from necessity but from greed.

It will only change if people like you (if there are any left, other than you and Miss Manners) refuse to comply with these outrageous demands.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am upset regarding the way someone went about the purchase of a Christmas gift for a supervisor.

My husband's co-worker took it upon herself, without anyone else's knowledge, to purchase a gift for the boss that cost over $500, and then notified the rest of the group that they were expected to contribute $50 each.

I was outraged to find out that she had committed us to that amount with no consultation whatsoever. My concern is for not only myself, but for the other families who were involved that may not have had that amount to give without a second thought.

Although Christmas is a time for giving, I think that everyone's financial situations and preferences should be considered before committing an entire group to that high of a dollar amount. After all, who wants the embarrassment of telling a co-worker that you cannot afford an amount that they have deemed as so "reasonable"?

GENTLE READER: What is unreasonable is for employees to give Christmas presents to their boss. If anyone, it should be the boss giving to the employees, preferably in the form of a year-end bonus.

Miss Manners understands that your husband is reluctant to plead poverty and advises him to enlist colleagues -- they can't all be eager to toddy to the supervisor with an expensive present -- to protest the expense, if not the concept. He can suggest that the instigator either return the present or be entirely responsible for the debt that no one else authorized.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 20-year-old college student with an Internet-savvy mother who loves joining forums and message boards. The other morning, I e-mailed her a picture of my boyfriend's new haircut, which I got off Facebook. She asked for before and after pictures, so I sent her a second, personal photo from my own computer a couple minutes later. That evening, she told me she had posted my boyfriend's pictures on a forum. I was very surprised and asked her not to do that again, but we got in a spat over the etiquette. My mother feels that because the picture had already been posted online, my boyfriend should be aware that the picture is open to the general public no matter what. Besides, she felt because he is part of our family, it shouldn't matter.

I tried to explain that on Facebook, my boyfriend may have been sharing with 10 or 15 real, not virtual, friends via computer. The website is only optionally open to the general public and is very different than sharing with strangers, which is what she was doing.

Am I correct in trying to explain that even though one posts a picture on the Internet and it is "fair game," there is still a matter of etiquette, or am I off base?

GENTLE READER: Yes, you are right, but you should still listen to your mother.

She is right that everything you post online should be considered public. Restrictions are meaningless if anyone in your chosen circle decides to forward anything. Chiefly, you should listen to her warning that nothing you show or tell her should be considered private.

Miss Manners is particularly appalled at your mother's notion that privacy need not be respected in connection with family -- and her even redefining family to include someone who is not actually related.

But you have been warned. Perhaps one day your mother will learn that losing the confidences of her daughter is too high a price to pay for gossip material.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband recently left me and is off pursuing his own happiness (though, I should say, he is very close with our two daughters and sees them regularly). It is the holiday season, and I usually send out a family card to family, close friends and more casual friends.

Should I mention our separation, or forthcoming divorce, in our holiday cards? It seems rather harsh for a casual greeting, but if I sign it with just myself with my daughters, many friends and family will be notified that something significant has changed, but without explanation, which seems more confusing.

I don't want to spoil the happy holiday spirit with my unhappy news, but I am not sure how exactly I "announce" the situation without spreading some gloom.

GENTLE READER: Many would have trouble handling a mixed message such as "Merry Christmas, I'm getting divorced," Miss Manner agrees. It also may not be a good time for you to handle the pity and curiosity that a widespread announcement might evoke -- or, for that matter, the apparent indifference of people who do not respond because they are busy or away.

So what is wrong with a bit of confusion?

If you sign only your name and your daughters', you will alert people in a low-key way that does not seem to demand an immediate response. You could also note that "Jared is now living at..." and give his address.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Besides using common sense, how often should adult children (in this case a son) call their mother? The son is 43 and lives in another state and the mother is 67 and lives alone.

GENTLE READER: It depends -- are you the mother or the son?

Not that Miss Manners would ever have considered telling the mother that the rule was every day and the son that it was once a month. Such a trick never crossed her mind, even if that raises the question of how it got onto this page.

However, she would like to make the point that etiquette cannot declare a formula because individual circumstances differ so widely. Is the mother in any way helpless, so that she needs to be checked up on? Is one of them in the habit of nagging and the other hoping to avoid repetitive and futile advice? How convenient is it for either to talk at the time that is convenient for the other?

You know the circumstances; Miss Manners does not. She is afraid you must do your own negotiating.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single male of 24 and a graduate student. Do my family members/friends expect me (a fairly busy guy) to send out Christmas cards during the holiday season, or do I get off the hook for being busy in grad school?

I would like to keep in better contact with family members who live across the country, but I just can't ?nd the time to make a Christmas card for everyone. No doubt I would forget about someone, and it would become an issue. What is your opinion on this?

GENTLE READER: That because you are undoubtedly leading a fuller life than anyone else, they can hardly expect to hear from you.

It is not that Miss Manners believes you must send Christmas cards. There are other ways of keeping in touch. If, during the year, you dashed off an occasional note to this one or that one, it would do just as well. With no mass mailing on deadline, you could then write people when you happen to remember them.

Just please, don't make any cards or notes into declarations of how busy you are. The implication that others are just sitting around with nothing much to do does not go over well with anyone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the difference between the expressions "Excuse you" and "Excuse me"?

I was taught to use "excuse me" not "excuse you." And I ?nd it offensive when some one says "excuse you" to me, especially when I have done nothing to them. How should I respond in a nice way when someone says that to me?

GENTLE READER: "Excuse you" is inexcusable. Only the parents of very young children are permitted to prod the expression of manners by saying, "Now, what do we say, dear?" or "Didn't you want to excuse yourself?"

Therefore Miss Manners considers it polite to overlook the rudeness of "Excuse you," as, indeed, should have been done when "Excuse me" was not forthcoming. You can best do this by saying cheerfully, "Oh, that's quite all right," as if you thought the person was excusing himself.

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