DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to bring your own stuffing because you don't like what the host is serving? (The "host" is my daughter, and my boyfriend is the stuffing hater.)

GENTLE READER: Since this is a family dinner, there is a polite way for him to bring stuffing that he likes. All he has to do, Miss Manners begs you to inform him, is to obtain your daughter's permission beforehand to bring it nicely packed inside of a freshly cooked turkey.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are hosting our family Thanksgiving celebration this year for 27 family members. Our niece's daughter's birthday falls several days before the holiday, and she asked if she could bring a dessert (of which my mother-in-law has already agreed to provide various traditional pies) and celebrate her 10-year-old's birthday, piggy-backing on our holiday celebration.

My husband and I find this to be very rude. I have already agreed to provide a warm home, family and, of course, napkins, plates and silverware for the event.

What should have been an appropriate response on my part to graciously decline her idea of piggy-backing on our holiday?

GENTLE READER: When you refer to a warm home, Miss Manners presumes that you mean that you will have the heating system turned on. Resenting recognizing a 10-year-old grand-niece's birthday does not smack of family warmth or Thanksgiving spirit.

You have already planned to have family contributions to your meal and a choice of desserts. Why, pray tell, is adding a child's birthday cake likely to ruin your holiday? Are the children of your family not among the blessings for which you give thanks?

An appropriate response would have been, "How nice."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are expecting our first child. My husband has a very large extended family and large network of friends who don't seem to understand the privacy I need after the birth of the baby.

What is the most polite way to inform family and friends that I will not be accepting visitors at the hospital, nor do I want visitors at home for the first few days after we return?

I don't want to be mean, I don't want to hurt feelings. I am very private, and giving birth, breastfeeding and the natural course of healing is quite private to me.

GENTLE READER: There is no nice way to tell relatives and friends that it is your baby, not theirs; nor is it wise, as they may be your child's wider support system. But that is what a noninvitation sounds like.

Mind you, Miss Manners does not recommend inviting them into the delivery room, or otherwise surrendering a reasonable amount of privacy.

Rather, you should issue them a positive invitation, preferably before they volunteer themselves to visit. This would say something such as, "We are eager to have you meet Rufus Junior. Please call any time after (date by which you feel you will be ready) so we can arrange a visit."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would it be proper to send out announcements announcing the coronation of my daughter being crowned Campus Queen for 2010-2011?

GENTLE READER: Don't the royal heralds do that by marching through the streets and sounding their trumpets to get the attention of the populace?

If they are not available, Miss Manners recommends your slipping a modest sentence into your conversation or correspondence with people who you have good reason to think would care.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am having some neighbors over for the holiday dinner, and the occasion reminded me of a situation that happened at this gathering last year. One of the "merrier" guests broke a wine glass from my wedding crystal set and did not tell me about the mishap.

I only found out months later, when my husband 'fessed up that he knew but had kept her secret because she was embarrassed and wanted to replace the wine glass.

When a replacement was not forthcoming after a few months, he told me, but I never talked to the guest about it.

What are the rules of etiquette surrounding a little accident such as this in someone's home? Does the gracious hostess recognize that guests will break things when entertaining -- so I shouldn't STILL feel bad that she never mentioned it to me personally? Or should I hand her a plastic cup at the door?

If the guest had mentioned it to me, honestly I would have insisted that she NOT replace it. I just felt bad that she didn't feel she could tell me directly.

GENTLE READER: Doesn't your now somewhat-diminished collection of wedding crystal belong to both you and your husband, whoever originally bought it?

You are correct that the guest should confess and offer replacement and that the host should demur, but apparently all that happened between the guest and your husband.

Miss Manners might hesitate to reinvite a guest who had merrily tossed her glass into the fireplace. But accidental breakage is a minor hazard of entertaining -- or, for that matter, of family life. If you are not willing to risk that and bear it graciously, you should be leading an entirely paper-cup life.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend and I have been having a friendly dispute over whether elbows on the table while eating is considered socially acceptable. I claim they are, but she says they aren't.

We agreed to make you the final arbiter on the matter, so any opinion of whether elbows on the table are appropriate under any dining circumstances would be most appreciated.

GENTLE READER: It is a rare pleasure for Miss Manners to be able to settle a friendly dispute by gratifying both contenders. Usually, someone loses, but here she can toss you a bone, as it were.

The lady is correct that elbows on the table during dinner is forbidden. As we used to say, "All joints on the table will be carved." However, if you loll about the table after dinner, leaning forward on your elbows to enjoy conversation is not a crime.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I are now old. (Never mind the "elderly" -- we're a couple of old bats.) We have many friends of our generation to whom we write once or twice a year -- holidays, invitations, etc. -- and from whom we may or may not hear. I still have school friends, we have rather distant relatives with whom we are friends, etc., and we'd like to ?nd out if they are still alive.

Most of them have never used the current mysterious method of communication, and when I have e-mailed those who do, I may not get a reply. Somehow, calling a phone number and asking whoever answers if so-and-so is dead sounds a little insensitive. We probably have addresses for them, and we could write. But what should we say?

GENTLE READER: Not "Are you still alive?" That has a decidedly depressing effect.

Miss Manners agrees that failure to use the computer is not necessarily an indication of failure to breathe. But your ability to use it enables you to begin by searching for news of your friends. Their grandchildren may have optimistically put them on a social network that they have never used. Or, less fortunately, you may ?nd obituaries.

Failing either, you write a Christmas or other informal card saying, "I've been thinking of you, and wondering how you are." At the worst, it will be easier for you to hear bad news written by a survivor than to hear the ?at statement "she died" over the telephone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to ask a woman if she is pregnant without offending her if she is not?

GENTLE READER: "Darling, is it possible that you are about to make me a proud father?" Miss Manners warns you that if you are not in a position to put it that way, you must not ask.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I believe your view of manners is based on an appreciation for traditional civility coupled with contemporary realism. To wit, when a bride and groom are homeowners and paying almost entirely for their own wedding, it seems disingenuous (not to mention outdated) for the wedding invitation to be coming from the parents rather than from the folks actually hosting the event.

I should add that I am the mother of the bride, not the bride, and have absolutely no problem not getting top billing. If you agree with this MOB, how would you suggest wording the invitation?

GENTLE READER: Do you mean to say that just because your daughter is 45 years old and the CEO of her own company, you are not sighing and saying, "Imagine! My little girl getting married!"?

In that case, the couple should use the also-traditional heading:

Miss (or Ms.) Ginger Hermione Mulberry and Mr. Godfrey Cody Loughly request the pleasure of your company....

Happy? This is every bit as sanctioned by etiquette as the parental form.

But Miss Manners begs you not to disparage invitations in which a lady of whatever age and means feels she is nevertheless setting out from her parental family to establish a family of her own.

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