DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife has been getting more active with our ?rst-grade son's PTO. At a committee meeting at a member's house, the woman hosting the event, in making idle chit-chat, asked my wife how many kids we have.

Three, she answers, giving the ages: 13, 6, and 2. (We're both 37, so admittedly, we were young when our oldest daughter was born.)

The woman, a well-heeled stay-at-home mother in our slightly bohemian neighborhood, pauses and then says, "May I ask a personal question? Are all three by the same man?"

Uh, yeah...

My wife relayed the story to me when she got home. At ?rst we we're both slightly amused, but as we've chewed on it for a day or so, we couldn't help but be deeply offended by the question, no matter what the motivation for asking it may have been.

How do we let her know that we thought the question was rude without acting like confrontational jerks?

GENTLE READER: It is a bit late now for a comeback, Miss Manners is afraid. Any protest would indicate that you did not ?nd the question so outrageously rude as to be ridiculous, and the offender could say that she meant that perhaps there had been an earlier marriage.

At the time, however, Miss Manners would have been tempted to look at her wide-eyed and said: "I don't know. How can one tell?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper length of time to stay or a proper way to exit as the guest at a small dinner gathering (say, three to eight people)? We've attended seated (one course plus dessert) dinners that have gone on for nearly four hours -- long after dessert is done. We sincerely appreciate the hospitality and are always gracious guests, but are we obligated to stay until the host excuses us?

Also, what about for invites for an early dinner, say, 5 p.m. on a Sunday? At 7:30 p.m., "It's getting late" doesn't seem appropriate, but are we obligated to spend the entire evening?

GENTLE READER: No, and standing up saying, "We've had such a lovely time, thank you for a wonderful evening" works at any hour.

It may help to remember that even the warmest hosts are not insulted if their guests do not stay forever.

Miss Manners must also remind hosts to do their part, not by dismissing their guests, but by getting them away from the table. The custom of having the hostess suggest that the ladies withdraw, ostensibly to leave the gentlemen to their port and ribald jokes, but really to allow the ladies to use the bathroom, was rightly abolished on the grounds of equality. Instead, the hosts must suggest that everyone return to the living room for coffee.

Personally, Miss Manners thinks it would have been more just to allow everyone a chance at the bathroom. At any rate, getting up allows them to down one round of coffee and go home.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a financial services company. We are not on Wall Street and don't adhere to the strict dress codes you would expect there; in fact, we have a somewhat casual dress code.

Because I'm in a position where I regularly interact with the CEO (who almost always wears ties and often suits) and other executives, and because I could possibly be in front of the media on any given day, I tend to dress more formally than many people here. I love getting dressed up, enjoy wearing jewelry and usually choose to wear dresses or suits.

On a recent day, when I was wearing a suit jacket, my supervisor commented about my clothes, saying something like, "My, you're awfully dressed up today."

I found his comment to be odd, in part because I was taught not to comment on anyone's clothes unless you're giving a compliment. His comment also prompted me to pause and wonder if I'm dressing up too much and possibly making him uncomfortable. He generally wears what I would call fairly casual clothes, unless he has specific meetings that call for a necktie, etc.

Is it rude of me to dress up in a way that's often more formal than the clothes worn by my boss? Is it simply not the smartest thing to do?

GENTLE READER: It amazes Miss Manners that there is, in general, less tolerance for every day formality than for the lack of it. Gentlemen who show up properly dressed for any but the most casual of occasions are inevitably ordered to remove their ties and jackets.

There is indeed such a thing as overdressing, but that is when one ignores the conventions of the situation: the equivalent of ignoring the conventions by underdressing.

As you have explained, you are dressed to do your job, which requires meeting with formally dressed executives and representing the company to the media. You could explain that to your supervisor, or you could simply say good-naturedly, "This IS my casual look; you should see my dressed-up look."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone does something for me I say "thank you" to them, and I have noted some younger people respond by saying "no problem."

Is the response "no problem" an appropriate response to my "thank you"? I personally find the term "no problem" to be negative and inappropriate.

What is an appropriate response for me when someone responds to my "thank you" with "no problem"?

GENTLE READER: It does not require an answer, but it does require an adjustment.

It is true that the traditional resonse to "thank you" is, in English, "you're welcome." In some languages, it is an equally traditional declaration that there was nothing for which to thank -- a version of "no problem," which slipped into common American discourse a decade or so ago.

Mind you, Miss Manners is not crazy about this sort of messing around with the conventions. Once people stop using polite expressions automatically, they start analyzing them and, often as not, attributing unpleasant motivations. And although "no problem" grates on her as well as you, she knows it is not ill meant.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I write to you to ask about the balance between community responsibility for children without visible parents and politeness.

I had large numbers of unaccompanied children to my door for trick or treating. Not one of the unaccompanied children (nor several of those with parents) said thank you in response to my candy.

One even went so far as to declare, upon my opening my door, that I have a "messy house."

These children all live in my apartment complex, where it is safe for them to wander alone, but I'm not sure how to deal with outright insults like the messy house comment, or impoliteness like not saying thank you.

I didn't say anything about the lack of thank you, but I did respond to the mess comment with a rather miffed "excuse me?" and had to resist the urge to take back the candy I had just given the girl who should have been old enough to know better than to make such comments.

In response to my excuse me, Miss Neat Police eventually said "trick or treat," and ended with "Happy Halloween" but not thank you. Please advise me about what to do next year.

GENTLE READER: Maybe go to the movies that night.

You know that Miss Manners sympathizes with you about the need for children to learn manners. She also believes that the community can help.

But not by grabbing them in the middle of a candy frenzy and chastising them. That will only make you known as The Mean Lady in 705.

If you truly want to influence them, you will have to make friends with them. You could invite one or two over for a treat and slip in a few mild directives: "I hope you like the cookies. When people say 'Thank you,' that's how we know it was a good idea to offer them. Or if not, they can say 'No, thank you.' Now tell me more about your game coming up."

No doubt this is more than you bargained for. You wanted to snatch the candy back, or perhaps to snap at the children or their parents that they have no manners.

Aside from being rude, this would be ineffective. So you might want to look at the movie schedule next October.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just saw a post on my (pregnant) cousin's Facebook page that is beyond an embarrassment. I would love to hear your comments so that I can share with her your thoughts and how unbelievably rude and tacky her post was. Here is what she wrote:

"If you are not able to make it to my baby shower or I wasn't able to invite you because of limited space but you still want to get me a gift, I am registered here, where you can buy online and have it sent by mail!"

GENTLE READER: Nice offer: I've forgotten about you, but you might want to remember me.

That is Miss Manners' thought, but she cautions you that to repeat it for the sake of triumphing over your cousin would be rude.

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