DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I attended the birthday party for a 7-year-old girl, I was surprised to find that toward the end of the party, the parents did not invite the children to gather 'round and watch Susie open the gifts the boys and girls had brought.

Apparently, the parents did not want to hassle with trying to gather and throw away the paper at the outdoor locale. They felt that wrapped gifts would be easier to transport home.

I asked a colleague about this and she said that, yes, it appears to be a growing trend to not open the gifts at kid parties. She, by the way, has the children attending her son's birthday parties not only witness him opening the thoughtful gifts, but mom has each child sit with her son as he opens their gift. This makes the giver feel special and the photo op helps mom when helping son write thank you notes. I thought this was brilliant.

Anyway -- I was very disturbed by the idea that guests are good enough to bring gifts to said party but are not worth the hassle to let them see the joy in the child's face when she opens that gift. When I give someone a gift, most of the joy in giving is getting to see him/her open it!

Keep in mind that at this party, many of the parents were present the whole time. (Wouldn't you at least do it for their sake since they forked out $20-plus for a gift for your kid?!)

Even though I noticed this affront myself, it really hit me when one of the children at the party asked, "Are we going to open the presents now?!" Guess not.

Do I need to get with the times or is this just rude?

GENTLE READER: Who could resist the charm of the happy birthday child beaming with gratitude, each happy guest beaming with generosity, and the proud mothers beaming at both?

Well, maybe the mother who hears her birthday child, despite all previous instruction, announce sourly, "I already have one of those." Or the child who thus hears that his present was a failure.

Or the visiting mother who, having explained the joy of giving, watches her child tearfully refusing to let go of the present that was supposed to have provided it. And the mother of the child who furiously attempts to tear it away from him.

It is to avoid such rudeness, Miss Manners supposes, that many parents have abandoned the great present-opening ceremony at children's birthday parties.

But to her mind, the great virtue of children's birthday parties is as a laboratory to teach manners. So she might have been inclined to defend the ritual while advising patience and tolerance for lapses in performance.

What has turned her opinion is not the behavior of unruly children, who are, after all, works in progress, but that of unruly adults. So many now give their own birthday parties unrestrained by any of the lessons they should have been taught in childhood.

Miss Manners is not referring here to a milestone bash given by their intimates but to annual demands that others take them out on their birthdays and otherwise contribute to an it's-all-about-me day. Watch-me-get-things is a central part of that.

If a lack of emphasis on presents -- and of course the mandatory letter of thanks to each giver -- can take some of the selfishness out of birthdays, so be it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you eat poached eggs with a spoon?

GENTLE READER: Sure; nothing to it. The real trick is to eat poached eggs with a fork, which is the proper way to do it when you are not breakfasting alone.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a junior in high school, and I try to follow the rules of etiquette (though I have often found them lacking in certain situations, such as when a boy decides that they want to carry you like a sack of potatoes to your next class), but I have noticed in the past that my teachers who are there to teach us do not follow the same rules.

Perhaps it is just me, but I find comments (by teachers) to the effect of "Didn't you just go?" to be unconscionable when asking discreetly to use the restroom.

Not only do I find the behavior of a teacher commenting on students' bodily functions insulting, but in doing so the teacher brings the class' attention to a question that I am trying to ask discreetly. And for the record, if I had just gone I would not be asking.

GENTLE READER: The teachers are not carrying one another down the halls like sacks of potatoes, Miss Manners trusts. If etiquette has failed to have a rule against this, she will declare one right now, provided she does not have to do hall-monitor duty.

Perhaps they are unduly suspicious. But then, again, they do teach junior high school. Which is all the more reason that they should know why it is a dreadful idea to allow talk about anyone's bathroom habits to be heard by the rest of the class.

Miss Manners can tell you right now that an argument that teachers are rude is doomed. You would do better to mention that the present system led to unpleasant teasing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you handle people who are always late for their regular club meeting (30 minutes or more) and blame others if they are left when a trip is planned?

GENTLE READER: With more patience. Not patience to wait for them, Miss Manners hastens to explain. Patience, while you keep starting on time, to wait until they realize they will always be left behind.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to correct someone on a limpy handshake?

GENTLE READER: Were you thinking of a bit of encouraging bone-crushing? Or just a few pithy words to head off statements about being delighted to meet you?

Limp handshakes, which may have a medical justification, may not be exciting, but in any case they are not rude. An example of rudeness that comes to Miss Manners' mind is using an introduction to offer criticism.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you have to send birth announcements to your parents, siblings (people closest to you that already know), etc.? My husband and I disagree on this. He says no and I say yes.

GENTLE READER: Oddly enough, the purpose of an announcement is to announce. Therefore they need not be sent to those intimates who are on your news-when-it-happens list.

But Miss Manners is not strict about this, knowing that some like to have announcements as keepsakes. She is also aware that recipients sometimes use the cards to remind themselves to send baby presents, which is probably no news to the parents.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in the deli section of a store where you have to take a number to be served, a young woman with four children, one screaming constantly and mother only approaching once, holding his hands and talking to him as if he could understand logic, reasoning, etc., while she went on about getting her order placed.

I approached her and asked if she realized how annoying his constant screaming could be to others waiting for their turn.

She replied, "Do you know how annoying it is for someone like you to approach me when I'm trying to teach him a lesson?" I replied, "Really, what lesson would that be?" and walked away.

GENTLE READER: Really -- did you leave the deli counter without taking your sliced prosuitto and side order of cole slaw?

And what lesson did you teach at the sacrifice of your lunch? That children shouldn't turn cranky in public? The mother already knew that. That a good mother would be able to silence her child? Nobody knows that.

But perhaps, Miss Manners hopes, you could think this over and teach yourself to control your own public outbursts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I haven't talked to my older sister alone since she met her current spouse in 2004. My younger sister and I can go to lunch or talk on the phone without hurting our husbands' feelings because we need "sister time."

Since my other sister's spouse is a woman, I guess she's a sister, but it's not the same. Is this just the way it has to be, or is there some kind way of getting around this?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Give the lady the dignity of her position in the family -- which is to say, as an in-law. She was not adopted into the family; she married into it, as did the husbands.

But Miss Manners gathers that there is more than a little defensiveness involved here, whether on the part of your sister, her spouse or both. That will have to be addressed first, not only with reassurances, but couples' gatherings.

You might also invite the spouse out by herself on some casual pretext (such as "I'm going to be downtown Thursday, near your office"). Once it comes out, in the debriefing, that it was merely a friendly lunch and not an excuse for you to discuss their marriage, things should be easier.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently went down to visit my now ex-boyfriend's family. We stayed at his family house for the weekend, and they were overly accommodating for me being there.

A couple weeks after I came home, we broke up. I was about to send his family a thank you letter for my stay at their house. Do I still send the letter even though we broke up?

GENTLE READER: Of course. You accepted their hospitality even if you subsequently rejected their son.

The moral here, Miss Manners feels obliged to point out, is: Don't wait two weeks before thanking your hosts.

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