DEAR MISS MANNERS: Tea gatherings are becoming more popular, and I would like to plan a tea party. I have only attended one and would like to learn how to host a very nice experience.

GENTLE READER: Please promise Miss Manners that you are talking about an amiable afternoon social gathering and not about a contentious political movement.

Hitherto in modern American politics the invocation of tea was used without reference to the Boston Tea Party, but, on the contrary, to deplore a lack of contentiousness. If candidates attempted to debate by discussing issues in a civilized way rather than by hurling invectives, some bored commentator would always sneer, "What do they think this is, a tea party?"

And tea is steeped in tradition, as well as history. The Japanese tea ceremony, for instance...

What's that? You just asked for a spot of tea, not a seminar?

Oh. Sorry. But Miss Manners was preparing you for the slow pace that makes tea time so soothing. This is not your gulp-'n'-go beverage.

So -- no tea bags. Loose tea, steeping in a pot with another pot of hot water, so that each cup may be made to the strength desired; and with lemon slices, milk, and sugar cubes for the guests to choose among. Three courses of finger food, all laid out at once: warm breads (ideally scones, with jam and clotted cream, but buttered bread is also good), tea sandwiches (in triangles with the crusts removed) and sweets (cookies, pastries and such).

If your party is not to be large, you should do the pouring yourself, from a small table in your living room. If you are thinking of something not that cozy, the dining room table may be spread with platters of food and with thin china cups and saucers on top of little napkins and plates, and you can ask a friend or two to sit at the table's end and do the pouring, a task that is considered an honor.

Miss Manners cautions you not to treat this as a momentous occasion. There is such a thing as a formal tea, following a wedding ceremony or to honor someone, but the charm of an ordinary tea lies in its flexibility and informality. People come and go, taking as much or little refreshment as they choose, free to make their own conversational groups.

And please do not ever refer to it as "high tea," a phrase beloved of pretentious hotels innocent of the fact that its meaning is the opposite of fancy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young man I occasionally dated e-mailed me for my home address to send me his wedding announcement for his upcoming marriage.

How do I graciously respond that I am not interested in receiving one, given the fact that I am still a little put out by the fact that he is marrying someone else?

GENTLE READER: By sending him your home address and your congratulations.

Unless, of course, you tell Miss Manners that you have your heart set on providing him with material to amuse his bride by telling her about the bitter lady who is still pining for him.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper seating arrangement in the car on a double date?

My thoughts are the fact the date is "double" is secondary to being a "date," and all rules should be followed accordingly. Ladies should be offered equal or better seating to their date with their date being their primary companion. If this presents physical or communication challenges, a lady may then offer to trade seats.

My husband's family tends to be of the "men up front and women in the back" mentality, which I consider to be redneck and rude. What are the guidelines?

GENTLE READER: Does your husband know that you are going on a date?

Miss Manners is not trying to police your morals here. It makes a difference whether you are talking about couples who are in the courting stage or married couples socializing with each other. (Yes, she has heard of married couples' having "date night," which is very cute. But the idea there is for the two of them to get away from other people, except, if they can't help it, the Secret Service.)

Courting couples would sit as you believe. Long established couples would only sit as your husband's family believes by request of the ladies who want to talk to each other or to avoid masculine conversation. The correct way for them to sit in a car is -- wait, this is going to shock both you and your in-laws -- that each lady sits next to the gentleman who is not her husband.

The idea is not marital flirtation, because for that, each couple can stay home or go out alone. The idea is innocent sociability.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a member of the local YMCA, which has a small steam room in the men's locker room. Often when I enter, it isn't hot enough, so I pour cold water on the sensor to generate more steam. Sometimes I have to do this a few times to get the heat up where I want it.

The other day, when I started to do it the second time, an older man asked me not to because he thought it was hot enough. I tried to explain to him that steam rooms are supposed to be really hot, but he just responded that I should ask the men who were already there when I came in what they wanted. I asked the other guys and they both just said they didn't want to get involved in the argument.

Anyway, I waited until the old guy left before I made more steam, but now I wish I hadn't let him bully me that way.

I am a busy guy and can only make it to the gym on my lunch hour. After my workout, I only have a few minutes left, so I don't have time to sit around for the five or 10 minutes it takes for the steam cycle to kick in, and even when it does, it's not hot enough for me.

In case I run into this rude old guy again, is there some polite but forceful way to tell him that he doesn't own the place?

GENTLE READER: Do you?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I just recently moved back to my hometown, where my parents and family are well known.

At first we were hesitant to announce the news of my wife's pregnancy due to a previous miscarriage. Now we have been telling close friends and family, since my wife is 17 weeks along.

We are not bringing it up in unprompted conversation, as we don't want to brag, and we are not circulating the news in extremely public forums like Facebook, since it lacks the personal touch of telling someone in person. We are excited and proud but afraid that some friends and friends of my parents' might be offended if they hear of this via the grapevine and not by us in person.

How should we circulate this news in a tactful way? Should we simply let my wife's increasing size tell the story?

GENTLE READER: Please don't do that. You would be doing a disfavor to every lady who has a stomach.

It is exceedingly rude for anyone to guess from a lady's size that she is pregnant. Should your wife go into labor in front of Miss Manners, she would merely say, "My dear, whatever is the matter? Can I help you?" (Eventually, of course, she would have to say, "Oh, look who's here.")

The news is not delivered as a formal announcement but is told to friends by the prospective parents and grandparents, however they usually keep in touch -- telephone, e-mail, visits, with a "Guess what?" tone allowed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many times I have read that etiquette dictates that gifts should not be expected for second (or further) weddings. What happens when one of the two in the marrying couple has never been married before?

I may find myself in this situation. Honestly, I have always looked forward to building a life with a new husband, reminded of our community by small luxuries provided by my loving friends and family: new cooking bowls, new towel sets (that match for the first time), nice sheets. I live far away from all my closest friends and family, and this is why I have always provided these kinds of gifts when they get married.

However, I know my partner is loathe to expect gifts in general, let alone wedding gifts when he is getting married for the second time. If you tell me to do so, I will expect nothing, and save up my money to buy my own set of matching towels.

GENTLE READER: What do you mean by "expect?" You make it sound as if it requires some commitment on your part, as in expecting a baby.

Miss Manners hopes you are not thinking of prodding your friends to furnish your new life. That is rude under any circumstances.

Presents are voluntary offerings on the part of the guests. They are customary with first marriages -- and yours is a first marriage for you -- and many people do give presents for subsequent marriages. But whatever your expectations, it is up to your guests to decide.

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