DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper seating arrangement in the car on a double date?

My thoughts are the fact the date is "double" is secondary to being a "date," and all rules should be followed accordingly. Ladies should be offered equal or better seating to their date with their date being their primary companion. If this presents physical or communication challenges, a lady may then offer to trade seats.

My husband's family tends to be of the "men up front and women in the back" mentality, which I consider to be redneck and rude. What are the guidelines?

GENTLE READER: Does your husband know that you are going on a date?

Miss Manners is not trying to police your morals here. It makes a difference whether you are talking about couples who are in the courting stage or married couples socializing with each other. (Yes, she has heard of married couples' having "date night," which is very cute. But the idea there is for the two of them to get away from other people, except, if they can't help it, the Secret Service.)

Courting couples would sit as you believe. Long established couples would only sit as your husband's family believes by request of the ladies who want to talk to each other or to avoid masculine conversation. The correct way for them to sit in a car is -- wait, this is going to shock both you and your in-laws -- that each lady sits next to the gentleman who is not her husband.

The idea is not marital flirtation, because for that, each couple can stay home or go out alone. The idea is innocent sociability.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a member of the local YMCA, which has a small steam room in the men's locker room. Often when I enter, it isn't hot enough, so I pour cold water on the sensor to generate more steam. Sometimes I have to do this a few times to get the heat up where I want it.

The other day, when I started to do it the second time, an older man asked me not to because he thought it was hot enough. I tried to explain to him that steam rooms are supposed to be really hot, but he just responded that I should ask the men who were already there when I came in what they wanted. I asked the other guys and they both just said they didn't want to get involved in the argument.

Anyway, I waited until the old guy left before I made more steam, but now I wish I hadn't let him bully me that way.

I am a busy guy and can only make it to the gym on my lunch hour. After my workout, I only have a few minutes left, so I don't have time to sit around for the five or 10 minutes it takes for the steam cycle to kick in, and even when it does, it's not hot enough for me.

In case I run into this rude old guy again, is there some polite but forceful way to tell him that he doesn't own the place?

GENTLE READER: Do you?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I just recently moved back to my hometown, where my parents and family are well known.

At first we were hesitant to announce the news of my wife's pregnancy due to a previous miscarriage. Now we have been telling close friends and family, since my wife is 17 weeks along.

We are not bringing it up in unprompted conversation, as we don't want to brag, and we are not circulating the news in extremely public forums like Facebook, since it lacks the personal touch of telling someone in person. We are excited and proud but afraid that some friends and friends of my parents' might be offended if they hear of this via the grapevine and not by us in person.

How should we circulate this news in a tactful way? Should we simply let my wife's increasing size tell the story?

GENTLE READER: Please don't do that. You would be doing a disfavor to every lady who has a stomach.

It is exceedingly rude for anyone to guess from a lady's size that she is pregnant. Should your wife go into labor in front of Miss Manners, she would merely say, "My dear, whatever is the matter? Can I help you?" (Eventually, of course, she would have to say, "Oh, look who's here.")

The news is not delivered as a formal announcement but is told to friends by the prospective parents and grandparents, however they usually keep in touch -- telephone, e-mail, visits, with a "Guess what?" tone allowed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many times I have read that etiquette dictates that gifts should not be expected for second (or further) weddings. What happens when one of the two in the marrying couple has never been married before?

I may find myself in this situation. Honestly, I have always looked forward to building a life with a new husband, reminded of our community by small luxuries provided by my loving friends and family: new cooking bowls, new towel sets (that match for the first time), nice sheets. I live far away from all my closest friends and family, and this is why I have always provided these kinds of gifts when they get married.

However, I know my partner is loathe to expect gifts in general, let alone wedding gifts when he is getting married for the second time. If you tell me to do so, I will expect nothing, and save up my money to buy my own set of matching towels.

GENTLE READER: What do you mean by "expect?" You make it sound as if it requires some commitment on your part, as in expecting a baby.

Miss Manners hopes you are not thinking of prodding your friends to furnish your new life. That is rude under any circumstances.

Presents are voluntary offerings on the part of the guests. They are customary with first marriages -- and yours is a first marriage for you -- and many people do give presents for subsequent marriages. But whatever your expectations, it is up to your guests to decide.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I learned the hard way the necessity of being very, very polite on the Internet.

I made the mistake of pointing out in a chat room that a doomsday article being passed around (content: the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico had resulted in a crack in the ocean floor that was going to destroy life as we know it) was written by a prominent hoax writer and was thus likely not true.

My intent was to soothe people's fears, but I got on the wrong side of another Facebook poster. I made the mistake of responding to her nonsensical comments a bit flippantly, which brought on a barrage of personal invective, complete with observations on my character, lack of compassion, etc., all from a perfect stranger.

I managed to extricate myself by simply refusing to reply in kind, but it took superhuman discipline. I noted with satisfaction that her most recent postings included a justification of her initial gullibility by appealing to famous psychics as authorities who had assured her the continent would split into two parts in the near future.

This unpleasant and undignified altercation has taught me that I must always be extremely polite when chatting with other Internet posters about whose mental state I have no knowledge. As my son observed, "The Internet is not about freedom of speech. It's about the freedom to not get punched in the nose."

I think I know where I went wrong, but would Miss Manners care to add her own thoughts on this subject?

GENTLE READER: With due respect to your son, your freedom does not protect you from being punched in the nose, except in the sense that your nose is not directly available in such exchanges. As you have discovered, you are not protected from being insulted.

Miss Manners is glad that you have learned to be polite on the Internet. The hard way seems to be the only way that people learn how to use the Internet -- not only to be polite, but to think before they push Send and to check whether they have pushed Reply All instead of Reply.

She hopes you will apply this lesson more widely: If you do not exercise your right to be rude, you are less likely to inspire others to be rude to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an opera-length rope of pearls left to me by a dear aunt. I adore them but would like to wear them appropriately.

Is there a particular time or way to wear them? A single long strand? Doubled or tripled, so the strand is shortened?

GENTLE READER: Pearls, rather than diamonds, are a proper lady's best friend because they can be worn anywhere, any time. Well, perhaps not to the beach, although they would certainly feel at home there.

And you can twist them, knot them, wind them around your neck or wrist or braid them into your hair.

Just please don't double them: It would upset Miss Manners' late grandmother. One of her improbable rules, all of which turned out to have been long sanctioned by the fastidious (of whom there are fewer every day) was Always Wear Odd Numbers of Strands of Pearls. She did not feel the need to explain why.

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