DEAR MISS MANNERS: What can I do about friends who spend the bulk of our visits talking about illness?

We are a group of six long-time friends between the ages of 55 and 65 who gather every three months or so to enjoy dinner and conversation together. But ever since Lloyd had heart surgery four years ago, more than half the evening is spent poring over the details of not only his illness, but that of Lois, his wife, and their friends and relatives. Lloyd is a quiet guy, and Lois does most of the talking, with Lloyd chiming in from time to time.

We want to hear what's happening in their lives, including the bad stuff, but not for so much of our evening. We've tried changing the subject to no avail. One couple in the group dropped out because, after several years of this type of visit, they were bummed out.

Would leveling with Lloyd and Lois help or hinder?

GENTLE READER: It would be worse than either. That would lead to a discussion of whether you care about them, which would be even more tedious than hearing about who has gas.

Miss Manners will have to rescue you.

As the same people meet regularly, you can propose little additions to the routine. A useful one, as one ages, is to announce Medical Report early in the evening ("Everyone all right? Any new issues?"). A gentleman of Miss Manners' acquaintance refers to it as Organ Recital.

That way you not only get it over with, but if someone goes on too long, you can say, "Oh, dear, I hope you'll be better soon" and turn to the next person. And if attempts are made to revert to the topic, you can say cheerfully, "Medical Report's over. You'll tell us next time."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a bride and I'm worried that people will turn up to my wedding wearing white.

I want to know the proper etiquette in dealing with such people. Is it appropriate to have the fashion police present to tell people to go back home and change their dress?

I don't think I will be able to deal with anybody that tries to upstage me on the most important day of my life. A lot of time, money and effort has gone into the preparations for this day and I don't want it ruined by people that are rude! I don't want my photos, video or memories tarnished because of someone else's bad manners.

GENTLE READER: Oh, a bouncer to eject anyone who might threaten the supremacy of the bride! Why isn't that a standard role in every wedding party?

Possibly because there are few brides -- at least so Miss Manners hopes -- pathetic enough to fear that they will not be sufficiently noticed at their own weddings and mean enough to anticipate rivals among their own guests.

Guests must be treated with respect, and that includes anyone who may be dressed in white. What would really tarnish your wedding pictures is the sight of you keeping a steely eye out to make sure no one upstages you, instead of gazing lovingly at your bridegroom.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A long-time friend of mine recently told me that she's having IVF. I wish I could give her a big hug and tell her that it will work and she and her husband will have lots of babies. Unfortunately, IVF fails more than it succeeds.

What should I say to her? I want her to know I'm thinking of her, that I hope it works, but that I'll love all her kids, regardless of how they arrive.

She also feels that having IVF is a selfish act, and I'd like to tell her she deserves kids and shouldn't feel guilty about pursuing them (and yet at the same time not imply that it would be a tragedy if she didn't have children).

GENTLE READER: You have the right sentiments, so Miss Manners will restrict herself to pointing out what you should not say under these circumstances.

Do not ask your friend, at any time afterwards, if it succeeded.

This will not be easy. And you can argue that she already confided in you, so it isn't as if you were prying. Naturally, you just want to know the outcome and are ready to sympathize with her if it didn't work.

All the same, you must wait for her to speak. If and when she becomes pregnant, the happy news is hers to announce when she decides to do so. If she does not, she may look to you for sympathy, but she could also not feel like talking about it. Her choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have a lovely boat. While I was away on vacation, he took a female friend of ours out on the boat to teach her how to run it and then meet up with other friends. This friend has a significant other, but he was not present on that day either.

Although I know that nothing would have happened, I have a problem with it. I just think it was quite inappropriate. He doesn't understand why I would think that, and I can't get him to see my side.

GENTLE READER: What exactly is your side? That you can go off on vacation by yourself and then chastise your husband for having what you acknowledge to be innocent fun while you were away?

Society once believed that any unsupervised lady and gentleman would be bound to be up to no good. In that case, you would have been under high suspicion for going off on vacation -- or even on a business trip -- without your husband.

Society has now found more blatant ways to be scandalized. Miss Manners suggests that you accord your husband the same trust that he accorded you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If you had your own personal letterhead (i.e. not company stationery, but stuff you had made up for your own home/personal use), is there any significance in crossing out your last name when composing a letter?

GENTLE READER: It is done in order to acknowledge that one is on a first name basis with the person addressed.

Oddly, personal paper is often marked with a title, whereas business paper is not -- and you can also draw a diagonal line across it all. Just as well for Miss Manners, who has nothing left anyway when she crosses out her surname and title.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a small town with acrimonious politics and try to stay out of things, for the most part succeeding.

When I go to vote, however, and am waiting in line, a local woman working as an election judge, with whom I am slightly acquainted, begins skillfully peppering me with personal questions.

Would you suggest a statement that I may use to politely stand my ground and decline the questioning?

GENTLE READER: Try "Oh, dear, aren't there rules against electioneering here?"

Miss Manners is aware that the lady will then protest that she wasn't electioneering -- just being nosy, as it were -- but the question will have grabbed the attention of her colleagues. You can then politely explain, "Oh, but the election is on my mind right now, and I don't want to say anything that would violate the rules."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a young child, my daughter Lauren was best friends with another little girl, Heather, and my wife and I enjoyed her parents as well, so we all socialized often.

As the girls hit middle and high school, Lauren joined the cheerleader squad and began to spend most of her time with that crowd of kids. Heather was not part of that group, and the two girls grew apart, and as that happened, we also spent very little time with her parents. We were always cordial and continued to send Christmas cards and such as that.

At graduation we discovered that Heather had garnered almost every award the school had to offer and also received a scholarship to a very prestigious university to study something like bio-engineering. Lauren was an average student, and she will be attending a local community college next year to prepare for a future four-year school.

Some weeks after graduation, we received a card from Heather's parents. It said: "Congratulations to Lauren on her high school graduation, and to you as her parents. It seems just a minute ago that the girls were flying up from Brownie scouts and now here they are ready to really spread their wings and fly."

I thought the card was fine, but my wife insists that this is a real insult to how we did our job as parents. She has been furious about it and has been on the phone with friends and family planning how she should respond. She's also angry at me because I don't agree with her; she says if I was a woman I'd see this for what it was. So I thought I'd ask you if this was bad or good manners.

GENTLE READER: It is certainly bad manners to take a gracious letter as an insult, gossip to others about this and to plot some sort of return insult.

Miss Manners, who is of the same gender as your wife, is something of an expert at reading subtexts. The one she finds here is that although Heather's parents never complained of her being dropped for the cheerleading crowd and did not brag of her scholastic honors, Lauren's mother is dissatisfied with her own daughter's achievements and resentful of those of someone who was, after all, her daughter's friend and the daughter of friends of her own.

She joins you in begging your wife to stop damaging the reputation of your daughter, who will be presumed to have exhibited envy that inspired the maternal fury.

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