DEAR MISS MANNERS: The subject of self-congratulatory parties came up with a group of friends. We all agree that neither oneself nor one's immediate family are supposed to host a bridal shower, for example. What about a mortgage-burning party?

There are those of us who feel it is self-congratulatory (and gauche) to have such a party and announce it as such. Others disagree. Some thought that hosting a party without announcing the reason or making it "potluck" would be celebration enough and a gift to the guests. What is your standing on the matter?

GENTLE READER: Self-congratulatory parties -- for birthdays, graduations and anniversaries as well as a startling proliferation of wedding and baby showers per person -- seem to be the most common form of entertaining nowadays.

Miss Manners pictures each would-be host thinking what fun it would be to throw a party for friends, and how much more gala to have a guest of honor. And in that case, why not for the person one esteems the most?

Time was when one waited to be honored -- or not -- by friends. That modest demeanor has been trampled over by those impatient to receive such honors, not to mention the presents that they demand to go with them, and distrustful that any arrangements by others would meet their standards.

Mind you, Miss Manners loves celebrations. Those of you who favor telling the guests the occasion at the party itself have the correct solution -- provided they do not ask the guests to bring the refreshments. The mortgage-burning party can be handled in that fashion, as can most birthdays.

But some family milestones do require advance-notice celebration of one's own or one's family milestones.

Births: As you know, showers should never be given by relatives, although Miss Manners has heard of shocking cases where baby showers were actually given by the prospective parents or grandparents. What they can properly give are celebratory parties after a christening or bris.

Birthdays: School-aged children are the nominal hosts of their own birthday parties, presumably to teach them how to be gracious hosts. The fad of parents giving parties for babies is generally indulged if the guests are family intimates or if the baby sleeps through and drinks are served. Major birthdays of adults can be celebrated at parties given by relatives, but should be limited to two for a lifetime (30th and 60th, for example, or 75th and 90th).

But then look what happened: Children who had been unrestrained by the etiquette of hospitality grew up to demand that others throw themselves annual birthday parties, mandating the conditions and expecting the guests to pay.

Weddings: Miss Manners has heard of the same thing happening in connection with weddings: showers and other auxiliary parties that do not originate with friends but are assigned to them by the bride or given by her relatives.

Any other party given by celebrants or their relatives, notably that announcing an engagement, is properly not named as such. As some of you have figured out on your own, the advantage of announcing the occasion when the guests are assembled is not only their gasp of surprise. It is their declaration, "Oh, I wish I'd known; I would have brought a present."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems I am in a constant scandalized state when I am out in public. Women of all ages and sizes seem to proudly display their bra straps or go braless. On top of all that, there seems to be no shame in displaying fat rolls and g-strings. Why aren't they wearing body-appropriate clothing and keeping the undergarments under something? Am I in the wrong or are these "ladies" missing the boat?

GENTLE READER: Actually, that boat has sailed, and why the passengers have boarded, Miss Manners cannot say.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and his wife are having their first child and I have been told that proper etiquette dictates that the grandfather stay away from the child and/or the parents for the first week or two.

The grandmothers are welcome from day one on to indefinitely but not so for Grandpa.

I am married to the epitome of a southern lady, and she has never heard of such a thing. Please give me your opinion on when Grandpa is welcome.

GENTLE READER: Sir, Miss Manners is afraid that this is a family problem, not an etiquette one. There is no etiquette rule, one way or the other, regarding the visits of grandparents. This one seems to have been created in your honor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I politely decline an invitation from a couple with whom my husband and I are fairly good friends? They invited us to join them for a weekend trip, and when my husband and I expressed interest in joining them, they mentioned at the last minute that they intended to bring along their children.

Now, my husband and I like children, but we cannot bear the thought of spending a weekend in close quarters with these particular ones. They are completely out of control, and a weekend with them would result in nonstop shrieking, breaking objects and general chaos. When we tentatively accepted the invite, there was talk of a babysitter, and we had assumed that this would be an adults-only event.

How can we politely decline this kind invitation without revealing our feelings about our friends' children (and thus, risking both hurt feelings and a broken friendship)?

GENTLE READER: Is there any elective surgery that you have been putting off? Because if they made definite arrangements to go with you, perhaps with some expense and not enough time to invite others, that is your only hope.

But Miss Manners notices that you merely say that you "expressed interest" and that the problem is how to decline, rather than how to back out.

In that case, apologies are needed, rather than excuses, especially not the excuse that you can't tolerate their children. If you carry on enough about how sorry you are to miss the trip, how you want to hear all about it when they are return, and so on, you need not go beyond saying that something has come up.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate wedding attire for a 4:30 p.m. wedding at a church? Does it matter that the bridesmaids are wearing black?

GENTLE READER: That will be convenient if the wedding party is going to a funeral immediately afterward. Miss Manners assures you that pastel dresses, and not black, white or red are proper ladies' attire for afternoon weddings.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When one looks up my name on an Internet search engine, one can find lots of embarrassing information about me that I posted a few years ago when I was ignorant of the consequences of posting personal information online.

Can I tell people that I wish for them to not look me up on a search engine? And in general, what do you think of searching for acquaintances' names without their consent?

GENTLE READER: It is a shame that you -- and millions of others -- have to learn the hard way why privacy is important and how to protect it. But Miss Manners cannot allow you to imply that people are nosy for looking at what you yourself posted for public view.

And warning them away is a sure way to direct them there.

One hears daily of new ways of protecting information, but also of its getting out anyway. And once you have posted something publicly, you have no control over the way even authorized people may disseminate it.

Miss Manners would suggest a low-key note, inserted in whatever general statements about yourself that you may have posted, saying, "If you will laugh off my young and foolish statements, I will do the same for you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fortunate to live at the beach, and when my children and grandchildren come to visit, they often bring a friend (teens).

I have yet to receive a thank you from the teens' parents. I have them for one week, feed them, take them all out to dinner, and they are treated like family. I don't get a thank you from the child, either.

Is it too much to expect a communication from a parent after their child was cared for and entertained for a week?

GENTLE READER: It is certainly too much to expect parents to write their teenaged children's letters of thanks. What they should be expected to have done is to teach the habit to their children.

As this has been neglected in the case of your guests, Miss Manners suggests that you make your relatives responsible for giving their guests your address "so you'll have it for your letter" as they leave.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I married a man who is 20 years older than myself, and he has two children who are around my age. We are all on very good terms except for one thing.

Whenever we go out for dinner, they always expect us to pay the whole bill. They NEVER offer to even pay the tip or put any money toward the bill. They both have decent jobs, as do I, so it would be nice if once in a while they pick up the bill and pay it.

How can I express my feelings without offending them or sounding like the evil stepmother?

GENTLE READER: Your feelings? What about your husband's?

Miss Manners agrees that it is charming of adult children to reciprocate their parents' hospitality. But having grown up with their parents paying the bills, some do not think of changing. And while parents should appreciate the gesture, some of them prefer to keep that part of the parental role.

If your husband agrees with you, he is the one to say, "We'd love it if you would take us to your favorite restaurants now and then." If not, leave it alone. It has apparently been going on since the time you were born.

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