DEAR MISS MANNERS: When one looks up my name on an Internet search engine, one can find lots of embarrassing information about me that I posted a few years ago when I was ignorant of the consequences of posting personal information online.

Can I tell people that I wish for them to not look me up on a search engine? And in general, what do you think of searching for acquaintances' names without their consent?

GENTLE READER: It is a shame that you -- and millions of others -- have to learn the hard way why privacy is important and how to protect it. But Miss Manners cannot allow you to imply that people are nosy for looking at what you yourself posted for public view.

And warning them away is a sure way to direct them there.

One hears daily of new ways of protecting information, but also of its getting out anyway. And once you have posted something publicly, you have no control over the way even authorized people may disseminate it.

Miss Manners would suggest a low-key note, inserted in whatever general statements about yourself that you may have posted, saying, "If you will laugh off my young and foolish statements, I will do the same for you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fortunate to live at the beach, and when my children and grandchildren come to visit, they often bring a friend (teens).

I have yet to receive a thank you from the teens' parents. I have them for one week, feed them, take them all out to dinner, and they are treated like family. I don't get a thank you from the child, either.

Is it too much to expect a communication from a parent after their child was cared for and entertained for a week?

GENTLE READER: It is certainly too much to expect parents to write their teenaged children's letters of thanks. What they should be expected to have done is to teach the habit to their children.

As this has been neglected in the case of your guests, Miss Manners suggests that you make your relatives responsible for giving their guests your address "so you'll have it for your letter" as they leave.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I married a man who is 20 years older than myself, and he has two children who are around my age. We are all on very good terms except for one thing.

Whenever we go out for dinner, they always expect us to pay the whole bill. They NEVER offer to even pay the tip or put any money toward the bill. They both have decent jobs, as do I, so it would be nice if once in a while they pick up the bill and pay it.

How can I express my feelings without offending them or sounding like the evil stepmother?

GENTLE READER: Your feelings? What about your husband's?

Miss Manners agrees that it is charming of adult children to reciprocate their parents' hospitality. But having grown up with their parents paying the bills, some do not think of changing. And while parents should appreciate the gesture, some of them prefer to keep that part of the parental role.

If your husband agrees with you, he is the one to say, "We'd love it if you would take us to your favorite restaurants now and then." If not, leave it alone. It has apparently been going on since the time you were born.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Well, now I am in trouble. My husband says that even Miss Manners says that I am incorrect.

I am a wife and a mother. I feel that it is a duty of a mother to teach her children the use of proper manners. That is why I have diligently set out to teach my children how to use a fork and knife correctly. I have taught them to chew with their mouth closed and to take small bites. I have taught them that a napkin is not to be used as a toy.

They know which fork to use and when. I have been trying, with some success, to teach them how to set a table. I do not think that, in most circumstances, the plate or the bowl should be lifted from the table to be eaten off of or slurped out of.

At the dinner table, I remind them through eye contact and nonverbal cues about how to implement their manners. Sometimes, at home, I have even asked them such questions as, "Where does your napkin go?"

Nothing bothers me more, at the dinner table, than to see someone take a huge bite and have to watch and listen while they smack the food around in an open mouth for all to see. Who wants to see someone's partially eaten food roll around in their mouth? I don't like to listen to the smacking and crunching, either.

Worst of all, I dislike someone spitting food at me while they talk and chew at the same time. Who wants to see noodles dripping out of someone's mouth and down their chin?

My duty is to remind, gently, that table manners are important. I really think that if they choose a career in which there is any kind of socializing to be done, good manners are very beneficial.

My husband has now said that I have been corrected by Miss Manners herself. I am to turn a blind eye to the eating habits of the other people around me and keep my eyes to myself and my own plate.

This is exactly why people have lost the use of manners. I cannot do this to my family. For now, I will not heed Miss Manners' advice about ignoring other people's table manners and teach my children to the best of my ability.

GENTLE READER: You're joking, right? Or you failed to notice that your husband is.

Surely you can't possibly interpret Miss Manners' injunction against busybodies offering criticism to those who are minding their own business as a ban on childrearing. Can you?

If you did not teach your children manners, who would? Not your husband, apparently. Nor would Miss Manners barge into your house to train your children or, for that matter, to chastise your husband for sabotaging your commendable efforts. That is what the rule is intended to prevent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to someone who asks, "What do you do every day? What do you do with your time?"

GENTLE READER: This is an unfortunate attempt to start a conversation, as it implies that the person being queried might be useless. Should you not be willing to overlook this, Miss Manners recommends, "I lie on the couch and read trashy novels and eat bon-bons."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a project manager in a division made up of three teams. One of the other project managers is trying to force us to have monthly birthday cakes, luncheons, etc.

The members of my team do not want to do this, as they think it is a bother to run around to get cakes, etc., and have to go through the ordeal of pretending to be friends with the whole division.

I suggested using one of the more expensive bakeries that will deliver, to ease any burden on employees. This was met with a resounding NO because of the cost. (We all make over six figures!)

How do we get out of these forced social activities that we do not want to be part of without looking like a spoilsport?

GENTLE READER: Not a spoilsport perhaps, but an entire team of spoilsports.

Or, as Miss Manners would characterize your group -- adults who want to go about their work seriously without feeling obligated to pretend to be excited about the birthdays of their colleagues.

You six-figure workers do not tend to think of union-type group action. But when it comes to petty office conditions that are unfortunate but well-meant, it is well to speak with one voice. When it is subordinates objecting to a directive from above, this protects an individual from seeming, as you say, a spoilsport.

In this case, you would be speaking as an equal to the other project manager, on behalf of your team, and you need only say that your team will not be participating. If asked why, do not mention the cost. Your response should be, "They don't want to. They're good workers, and they consider this a waste of time."

The third project manager, and members of all the teams, may end up thanking you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dear friend of many years has a granddaughter being married, and the grandmother has asked me to give the bride money as a wedding gift. I have known the upcoming bride from the day she was born, 28 years ago. They are all from a very well moneyed and educated family.

What would be the correct thing to do? I do not feel it is appropriate to give money. I would like to give a nice wedding gift. The grandmother tells me the bride and groom do not need anything, but they have just bought a large house and need money. She keeps telling me give money. I think this is very rude.

GENTLE READER: Giving in to well-heeled beggars is indeed a perversion of the charming custom of giving wedding presents. Miss Manners suggests that you reply, "I'm sorry, I really don't do that. Do you mean to say that she doesn't like presents? I am so fond of her and would love to give her something to remember me by."

Then, since you have known her all her life, make your best guess about what might please her. But you might also include evidence of where it can be returned.

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