DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently got married and, while I am happy that I got married, I find myself crying great big sobbing tears at the very mention of the wedding. I can't help feeling it was completely ruined by discourteous people.

The maid of honor dropped out five days before, and our photographer's car blew up (not an act of discourtesy, but it did add to the overall disaster). A wonderful friend found herself a seamstress who would do alterations overnight and a photographer.

My hair dresser didn't show up, and my niece (God love her for trying) made a mess of my hair. Our videographer moved an elective laser eye surgery up (not his doctor's decision) so that he would miss our wedding.

My brother cursed at me as we waited to go down the aisle because he didn't think the bride was supposed to go LAST, and then pulled me along so fast I nearly tripped. I tried tugging on his sleeve but it only made him walk faster.

The meal I wanted wasn't in our budget, so I ordered what we could afford for 60 people, and only 30 showed up. Some people who hadn't even been invited DID show up. They wore baseball caps during the ceremony.

The guests not only started eating while we were taking photos (which I found VERY offensive, as I was always taught that its not proper to serve yourself until the host and/or hostess has at least joined the room), but all took double portions and left the wedding party with very little.

I don't even feel like this was MY wedding. I feel like it was a wedding where I got married. I hate that I feel that way, but don't know how to change.

My mother had no interest in planning, paying or participating in my wedding. My mother-in-law really worked, helping, asking what I wanted rather than trying to take over the entire affair. She and my father-in-law paid to rent the hall. I appreciate all of that very much. But she wants pictures, and I very honestly do not want pictures to exist of this day. I have a few photos, and every time I look at one of them I cry. I can't manage to not cry.

Can you tell me how to choke that back and lie through my teeth? Because I cannot find a polite way to tell her that even though she worked really hard and I really am grateful, the wedding was crappy and it makes my heart sad to think about it.

GENTLE READER: Madam, please! You are hysterical. Get a grip on yourself.

You have a new husband, a wonderful and resourceful friend, and generous and tactful parents-in-law.

And yet you are carrying on, sobbing about your wedding? What does your poor husband think about your behavior?

Because weddings are complicated events involving many people and variables, things rarely go exactly as planned. Mature people take this in stride and recount it later, laughing rather than sobbing, which is a good thing because marriage requires maturity. Miss Manners can only hope, for the sake of your husband, that you are able to grow up quickly.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a large wedding with several hundred guests, followed by a reception at the church. Several friends had made cookies and there was coffee available.

Later, when viewing a social networking site, I saw mutual friends' pictures, taken later in the day during a second, elaborate reception at another location.

Rationally, I realize that budgets are limited. I tried not to, but I still felt slighted.

In these days of Facebook and Twitter, it is hard (impossible?) for people to be discreet. Not just limited to weddings, I have friends who have had events for some of their friends and later had their friends who weren't invited feel hurt, having seen photos and heard comments from those who were invited.

Is there anything that can be done to minimize hurt feelings in these situations?

GENTLE READER: It is easy to blame the Internet, but people have always talked, and sooner or later this division between first- and second-class guests would have been known. The way to avoid it is to avoid doing it.

Miss Manners does not consider budgeting an excuse. Whatever money was spent on the second reception could have been used for the first one.

Weddings are different from other parties, in that they are (one hopes) once-in-each-lifetime events, at which family and friends should be included.

While those who give and attend other events are not supposed to speak of them (let alone plaster them around the world) before those who did not, we should all realize that everyone cannot be invited to everything.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to stand in an elevator? It seems rude to put your back to people, but also rude to face people with your back to the wall as if you are staring at them. What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That facing strangers in an elevator gives them the creeps. And that if you were to wait in line facing the person behind you, rather than the counter, that person would be freaked out.

Miss Manners' point is that although not turning your back on people is a fine rule for occasions requiring human interaction, it does not apply to every situation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband owns a professional practice. Since we are new in town, I frequently meet a lot of people who are unfamiliar with us. When I'm introduced, or if someone asks why we moved to this city, I tell them it was because we purchased the practice.

Very often, I hear "Oh! I go to Dr. So and So." It makes me uncomfortable and leaves me grasping for a response. Should I come up with a standard line or just change the subject?

GENTLE READER-- You surely did not think the town was full of people in need of medical (or dental or psychiatric, or whatever your husband practices) who were quietly suffering until your husband came to town.

So Miss Manners trusts that you had no intention of trolling for patients. Rather you should be placing your husband as a member of the professional community. This is done by saying, "Yes. Dr. So and So, we were delighted to meet him (or we're looking forward to meeting him)."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is leaving -- that is, he's been railroaded out of -- a prominent job as a public servant in a small town. He has been very badly treated, and we are angry and hurt but are trying to hold on to our dignity. I want to give everyone within earshot a piece of my mind, but I know it won't do any good; their minds are closed.

What can I say when people ask why we are moving on? I want to take the high road and give them as little material as possible for the gossip mill.

There is no other job in sight at this point, so we can't say that; he is just beginning a search. We need agreeable-sounding phrases that are not lies, and I'm stumped.

GENTLE READER: Not "He's planning to spend more time with his family." They're on to that one, to the extent that it will start rumors of divorce.

They are also on to "doing consulting," at least in Washington, where that means "out of office." And "Looking at his options" is unkindly interpreted to mean that he doesn't have any worth talking about.

In your case, Miss Manners would actually advise saying, "He's out of office right now."

Not that she thinks you owe anyone such bald truth. Her reasoning is: first, that as it is a small town, everyone knows the situation, so any euphemism will sound defensive; second, that it may remind those who feel he was treated unfairly to help.

However, Miss Manners understands that what you are really after is a safe form of revenge. All right, it is "Well, he's thinking of writing a book."

Now don't tell her that this is a lie. Everyone who feels badly treated is thinking of writing a book about it. And it never fails to get the rattled attention of those who mistreated the aspiring author.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband claims I am too sensitive; I say other people are rude. Here is an example of an event that perfectly highlights my point:

As my husband introduced an acquaintance to me, the acquaintance stuck out his hand and said, "I'm sorry."

I responded with, "I'm not." The acquaintance was a little taken aback and later mentioned to my husband (I was no longer nearby) that he was sorry to make me feel uncomfortable.

Later that evening, at home, my husband said that I am too sensitive to people doing this.

But my response is: Why do they think it's OK? They don't know me, but I guess they think I will find it funny to make fun of my husband.

I understand that people use humor to make potentially awkward situations a little smoother, but all this does is get me riled up. Why can't people simply say, "Nice to meet you" instead of trying to be funny?

GENTLE READER: If this is what passes for wit among your husband's acquaintance, Miss Manners does not wonder that you are dismayed. It must be rather tedious to hear that sort of thing.

She recommends falling back on another standard remark, but one that has the advantage of flummoxing its target: a sweetly rendered, "But he speaks so highly of you."

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