DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is leaving -- that is, he's been railroaded out of -- a prominent job as a public servant in a small town. He has been very badly treated, and we are angry and hurt but are trying to hold on to our dignity. I want to give everyone within earshot a piece of my mind, but I know it won't do any good; their minds are closed.

What can I say when people ask why we are moving on? I want to take the high road and give them as little material as possible for the gossip mill.

There is no other job in sight at this point, so we can't say that; he is just beginning a search. We need agreeable-sounding phrases that are not lies, and I'm stumped.

GENTLE READER: Not "He's planning to spend more time with his family." They're on to that one, to the extent that it will start rumors of divorce.

They are also on to "doing consulting," at least in Washington, where that means "out of office." And "Looking at his options" is unkindly interpreted to mean that he doesn't have any worth talking about.

In your case, Miss Manners would actually advise saying, "He's out of office right now."

Not that she thinks you owe anyone such bald truth. Her reasoning is: first, that as it is a small town, everyone knows the situation, so any euphemism will sound defensive; second, that it may remind those who feel he was treated unfairly to help.

However, Miss Manners understands that what you are really after is a safe form of revenge. All right, it is "Well, he's thinking of writing a book."

Now don't tell her that this is a lie. Everyone who feels badly treated is thinking of writing a book about it. And it never fails to get the rattled attention of those who mistreated the aspiring author.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband claims I am too sensitive; I say other people are rude. Here is an example of an event that perfectly highlights my point:

As my husband introduced an acquaintance to me, the acquaintance stuck out his hand and said, "I'm sorry."

I responded with, "I'm not." The acquaintance was a little taken aback and later mentioned to my husband (I was no longer nearby) that he was sorry to make me feel uncomfortable.

Later that evening, at home, my husband said that I am too sensitive to people doing this.

But my response is: Why do they think it's OK? They don't know me, but I guess they think I will find it funny to make fun of my husband.

I understand that people use humor to make potentially awkward situations a little smoother, but all this does is get me riled up. Why can't people simply say, "Nice to meet you" instead of trying to be funny?

GENTLE READER: If this is what passes for wit among your husband's acquaintance, Miss Manners does not wonder that you are dismayed. It must be rather tedious to hear that sort of thing.

She recommends falling back on another standard remark, but one that has the advantage of flummoxing its target: a sweetly rendered, "But he speaks so highly of you."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Most outdoor events during the summer are pretty informal -- backyard cook-outs, swim parties, and so on -- and swatting at mosquitoes is part of the atmosphere. But what about formal events?

I know almost everyone at the swim parties I go to, and it's not a problem to wave mosquitoes away or even try to swat them when they land (with permission, of course).

At a wedding, I only know people on one side of the aisle, and I have a faint worry that, much like unexpected personal noises, mosquitoes are to be totally ignored during formal occasions. Or one is only permitted a slight twitch in an attempt to dislodge any that land but not warn others of a mosquito in their vicinity.

GENTLE READER: You ask mosquitoes for permission before swatting them? And here Miss Manners thought she was considerate of others.

However, your killing technique may need some refining.

No doubt you and your friends have a merry time running about at swim parties and cook-outs, wielding rolled up copies of The Economist, or whatever you use for mashing mosquitoes.

But there is something between that and surrendering to victim-hood. You don't want to create commotion at a wedding to the point where the officiant looks up, thinking someone is objecting to what he is joining together.

But neither do you want to disrupt the reception by spilling your champagne everywhere as you rush to scratch an itch.

Barehanded murder is what Miss Manners recommends. If a mosquito lands on you, squash it. If it's just flitting around in the air, hold your fire.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've kept close touch with an old classmate via e-mail and was made an honorary godfather of his daughter 26 years ago. I have never seen or spoken to her ever. This goddaughter had the audacity to e-mail me requesting if I could get her an iPhone, as she needs it at work and can't afford it at this time.

I was planning to give her a nice gift this year, but it was nothing in the price range of an iPhone. Should I give in to her request or just ignore her request and give her something more affordable? How should I write her a letter that I can't give her an iPhone without hurting her feelings?

GENTLE READER: Her feelings do not sound like what Miss Manners would call delicate.

As a godfather, you should show an interest in her, but you are also in a position to give her advice. You might write her a genial letter, asking about her job, whether she likes it, what her plans are for the future and so on. In it, you could advise her that if the telephone is truly essential to the performance of her job, she should ask her employer to supply it.

If you get a friendly letter back, you may be able to establish a relationship that would justify your continuing to send presents that you can afford. If not, the tie seems to have run its course.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm afraid I often encourage nimrods who are ranting (parroting) Hate Radio. I'm one of the few people in existence who actually listens when others talk. And when listening, one occasionally grunts "Uh huh" to show we're still there.

Unfortunately, "Uh huh" can convey both "I hear you" and "I agree." I certainly don't agree, but I wonder if there's some other noise one can make that simply registers, "I heard." Perhaps you can suggest some noise. One that's even shaded toward, "For the love of God, have you listened to yourself?" "You're spouting blither, you fool!" would be even better.

Occasionally, I get irked that I'm used as a sounding board, since what's transpiring is in no way a "conversation," but that's another topic. Who said, "A bore deprives you of solitude while denying you company"?

GENTLE READER: The word for which you are searching is "Really?" Miss Manners asks you to please note the question mark, which indicates a polite form of skepticism, but, if said gently, is interpreted merely as encouragement to continue ranting, rendering it polite if also self-sacrificing.

But that is only one service that this useful little word can perform. If rendered as "Well, RE-a-lly!" it can express mild indignation. A flat "Oh, really" is a sign that one's attention is wandering.

Yet the beauty of "really" is that it is almost never perceived as an insult. Possibly because, as you have observed, bores tend not to listen to others.

And the answer to your other question is Giovanni Vincenzo Gravina, the 17th- to 18th-century literary figure and jurist.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I no longer enjoy my job and am currently looking for employment elsewhere. However, because I hate my job, due in very large part to my coworkers, I may give my notice before I have a different job.

Considering I do the lion's share of the work in my department, and everyone makes light comments about how the other girl always gets out of working (ha, ha isn't that hilarious), I just know I may have to give my two weeks one day when I simply have had enough!

The problem is that from the time I resign until I finally walk out for the last time, everyone will want to know why and also what I will be doing.

If I have a job, it's no problem. But if not, I am afraid I'll say something very true that will also be rude. So, I was wondering if you could suggest some answer that is polite and that I can practice so that I don't say it in the tone I'm probably thinking it in.

GENTLE READER: Good; let's work on tone.

What you will have to say is, "I haven't quite decided" or "I can't talk about it yet." But Miss Manners can hear the tone in your head: a fine mixture of bitterness, anger and self-pity conveying, "All right, you horrid people, you've driven me away, and I don't even know where my next job is coming from."

As you have guessed, this will not shame them. It will only make them decide that you had "problems" -- meaning other than themselves.

The tone you need to develop is one of barely suppressed excitement and satisfaction. You might practice saying the necessary statements while thinking how you would say it if you had a White House appointment that you were not allowed to discuss before the president announced it.

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