DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a box for a popular outdoor concert venue every summer. Last season, we invited my husband's boss and his wife to join us for the finale.

They did, and we had a wonderful time, although, they had gone through four bottles of wine before intermission! The venue allows people to bring picnics and wine, but I thought four was a little much. But they were perfectly behaved, so I didn't think much of it.

However, when we invited them again this year, they brought six bottles so they wouldn't run out. Well, during the second act, they were talking so loud, and causing so much of a commotion, that two other boxes asked us to be quiet during the concert. I was greatly embarrassed, because our guests truly were behaving badly by disrupting the concert, and we know these other patrons, as we see them all summer.

How do we politely get out of inviting them next year? Unfortunately, before the concert started, my husband told them what a wonderful tradition having them come to the finale is. "We should do this every year!"

What do I do if it comes up again? I really don't want to take them.

GENTLE READER: Wait -- did they each consume three bottles of wine before intermission? And you know from last time that four bottles did not affect them -- and this time, six only made them loud?

Oh, my.

But the good news is that their memories may not be as clear as you fear. At any rate, Miss Manners advises you to act on that assumption.

Well in advance of next year's concerts, start filling up your box. You, not your husband, so that if his boss brings it up, he can report, apologetically, that you have gone ahead and invited people.

You say nothing of you or your husband's having a nip, but another symptom of drink, besides boisterousness and various physical problems, is an exaggerated sense of warmth and hospitality, even, apparently, to one's boss.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was married about 10 months ago. Occasionally, I will see someone socially who has not yet given us a wedding gift. Often, they will say, "Oh! I haven't gotten you a wedding present yet, what do you still need?" or they will simply ask, "Did I ever get you a present?"

I appreciate that these guests are still thinking about this, but I'm not really sure how to respond. I was taught my whole life that the appropriate response is, "Oh, you needn't get me anything at all, your presence was the only gift we needed." However, I am finding more and more people are starting to take these words at face value, and to be perfectly frank, while I don't expect gifts, I certainly do appreciate receiving them. Of course it is unthinkable for me to dictate what a person should purchase, or to tell them flat out that they did not send a gift, so I'm really baffled. What is the correct response?

GENTLE READER: "Oh, you have such marvelous taste, I'm sure we'll love anything you choose."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you tell me if it would be considered OK to cut your steak with a fork?

GENTLE READER: Certainly, but would you please first tell Miss Manners where it is possible to find steak tender enough to be cut with a fork?

Weird as it may seem, there is a complicated historical hierarchy that applies to flatware. Even more oddly, it is not the oldest implement that is most respected.

Lowest rank goes to the spoon, presumably -- in the form of some sort of scoop -- the oldest means of eating other than the fingers. Next comes the knife, which was, for centuries, used both to spear and to eat. Yes, the same individual knives, ick.

Then along came the fork, from Constantinople to Italy in the 12th century, and from Italy to France in the 16th century. The English were particularly slow in taking it up, and the world was well into the 19th century before it became universal there.

But then the fork became the instrument of choice in the western world, which it has remained.

At that point, the hierarchy goes into reverse. Those specialized items that were made in Victorian times (and still scare people, although they -- the items, not the people -- were long since melted down for their silver content) were rather sniffed at when they appeared.

So you had the following bizarre situation among the fastidious:

Whole fish on plate. High crime to use knife to fillet it because knives are intended for meat. But the darn thing is full of tiny bones. Fish knives invented, featuring clever little notch at tip for lifting the flesh from the bone. No, can't use that, too new. We believe in the fork above all.

Solution: Serve two forks for each plate of fish, to be used to pry the flesh in opposite directions with object of uncovering bones.

Personally, Miss Manners got tired of that silly spectacle and accepted the fish knife, the law against using a meat knife on fish being still on the books.

But you see the point -- well, maybe not the point, but the fact -- of the fork's paramount position. So if you can eat steak with a fork, even if you have a meat knife at your disposal, you will win the admiration of anyone versed in flatware history.

Which is to say, probably only Miss Manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Almost every time I step outside or take a walk to the park, I pass people who seem to be missing certain articles of clothing. Is there anything one can do (short of "getting over it") when one finds barenaked children or shirtless men swarming about them and in some cases sitting next to them on a park bench?

GENTLE READER: Move to a cold climate.

The ability to say "You can't run around like that -- now go put some decent clothes on" is limited to parents' addressing their children. And, Miss Manners regrets to say, it doesn't always have the intended effect even then.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 26-year-old man living near my family, with whom I have very close relationships. This often brings me into contact with their friends, many of whom I have never met or are acquaintances at best.

What is a polite way for me, as an openly gay man, to address their questions about girlfriends or girls I'm dating?

I've been "out of the closet" for years and feel it is appropriate to be known for who I am. I've been accused of "pushing an agenda," which annoys me, because I've never proceeded with these people to divisive topics like gay equality. I've also never told children (of friends, cousins, etc.) of my sexuality when asked similar questions, as I assume most people would appreciate my discretion in these instances.

It is important to me, and all gay people, that I live an honest and open life. But I feel at times that people interpret my honesty as unnecessary and intentionally inappropriate.

GENTLE READER: People you hardly know are asking about your love life and then accusing you of being pushy if you respond?

Miss Manners sees this as yet another reason, among many, not to attempt to satisfy busybodies. Such people think of themselves as showing a commendable interest in others, but the interest nearly always turns out to be in critiquing the way others lead their lives.

And it is amazing how many people think that a charming conversation opener with the younger generation is "So, are you seeing anyone?" or the ever-popular "Why aren't you married?"

Generally, the response from those who are nice enough not to return this rudeness in kind is to answer vaguely ("Not at the moment" or "Haven't met the right person") and then to change the subject -- or, better yet, to escape.

But Miss Manners would hardly blame you for giving matter-of-fact answers ("Yes, I have a boyfriend" or "I haven't met the right man") followed by "But enough about me -- tell me about yourself."

Should there be shock, complaints or further questions, your response should be, "But didn't you just ask me?" followed by the all-important change-of-subject.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend of many years had her best friend of many years' husband's mother die. The funeral was on a warm day. I wore a short-sleeved dress shirt and nice cotton pants.

She complained that it was not proper to wear expensive boat shoes without socks for this solemn time. I should have worn socks. She had a three-quarter-length dress and wore flip-flops, which I said definitely was not proper for the circumstances. She said because they were fancy and not cheap flip-flops, they were OK. She has also worn flip-flops for other functions.

GENTLE READER: Was either of you paying attention to the service rather than each other's feet? Just asking.

A funeral is indeed a formal occasion, and both of you were shod for leisure sport. Miss Manners suggests you call it a draw and resolve to make a greater effort if you must attend another funeral. Dressing formally and somberly is the symbolic way of acknowledging the occasion as something more than an obligatory stop on your way to the more entertaining part of your day.

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