DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee and I are fortunate to have a lovely group of friends with whom we socialize regularly. We all get along fabulously and more often than not have a rollicking good time.

Coincidentally, although we all live in New England, I am the only American citizen in the group. Among them are Middle Easterners, Britons, Caribbean Islanders and Australians. They are here for various reasons but all, except my fiancee, intend to go home eventually.

Now, it is a hobby of mine to read and think long and hard about what America means -- I study America the way some study their Bible -- and normally would love nothing more than an animated discussion on the subject.

For a while, the only complaint I had was how I fit in so well with them because I was not a "typical" American -- which I received in the complimentary spirit it was intended but took, in my heart, to be a backhanded compliment at best.

But now I find myself sitting through marathon gripe sessions about America as International Bad Guy, with no opening for examination as to why and how we wound up where we are, no room for back and forth about whether it is really all that bad.

Worse, they expect me to agree with them, which I cannot bring myself to do, even for the sake of international dinner-table harmony. I've tried to probe by asking why someone feels a certain way, but this was seen as either an attack or a display of such total blind-American ignorance, and resulted in such shocked looks, that I've not repeated the performance.

Comments along the lines of "Isn't it nice that we live in a place where we can shout such opinions from the rooftops" have occurred to me, but I'm afraid they would be a bit too cliche and contentious.

I would much prefer to open up the discussion than to close it down. Can you offer a better solution, Miss Manners? These discussions occur more often than not around my own dinner table. Should my response be dictated by where we are? I'm beginning to feel increasingly uncomfortable around my friends.

GENTLE READER: While they are feeling perfectly comfortable insulting your nationality and the country they are visiting, without even feeling the need to explain why.

Time to turn the table.

Not by insulting them or their countries, Miss Manners hastens to add. These are your friends, often also your guests, who had reasons for coming to America. Probably they are just grousing, as people do wherever they are, and indulging in the ugly presumption that it is all right to degrade America to Americans, a surprising number of whom do not take offense.

What you should do is to find other occasions -- not when America is under discussion -- to get them started talking about their own countries. Are they happy with the government, and its foreign policy? Can it take criticism? Does it provide opportunities to make the most of oneself? And are most people there interesting and polite?

Miss Manners feels sure that you will be supplied with ample material for saying "But I thought you said that at home...?" when they complain about the United States.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper for a young lady to brush her teeth in the presence of a young man?

GENTLE READER: Only if an improper act preceded it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been blessed with natural blonde hair my whole life. I am now in my 70s. I also have no gray hair.

The problem? I have been accused of bleaching my hair for as long as I can remember. When I come back from the beach, it is even lighter, which always raises the question again with friends who see me regularly.

No one believes that it is real. I have had hairdressers not take proper care of my hair because they don't believe me. Even my grandson does not believe me. When people ask who colors my hair, I say God does.

I know you usually tell people not to answer rude questions, but this has gone on long enough. Any suggestion other than dying it a darker color, which I would hate to do?

GENTLE READER: You would hate to sacrifice your hair color to justify these people in their now-false assumptions?

Is Miss Manners to suppose that you would grudge having your teeth pulled if they insisted that you were wearing false teeth?

Let us hope that you don't really care what most people think but are tired of the insulting idea that you are vain and untruthful. But you should be wary of entrusting yourself to hairdressers who cannot tell the difference between untouched and bleached hair.

There are two possible answers to others who make and persist in such rude assertions -- one offhandedly dismissive and the other sternly dismissive:

"All right, don't believe me. Have it your way." This is a way of saying "Your persistence about this is beginning to annoy me, so I'm calling a stop to it."

Or the stronger version: "Are you calling me a liar?"

You may not want to use either on your grandson. He can be told, "If you're lucky, you may inherit this from me and not turn gray in your old age. Then you'll believe me. In case I'm not around then, I'll accept your apology now."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What's your take on posting the death notice of a loved one on Facebook, or people who post condolences to your Facebook profile?

My grandmother was recently deceased and my relatives would post their condolences on my Facebook profile. My sister-in-law also announced my grandmother's death via her Facebook status. Though they are well-meaning, I have always felt such practices to be tacky.

GENTLE READER: That will be two takes that Miss Manners has on the subject, because posting a death notice and sending condolences to the bereaved are different things.

We really don't have a conventional way of announcing a death other than through telephone calls to those with close ties and printed obituaries in newspapers, alumni magazines or professional journals. Thus not everyone who would be interested finds out. In other societies, black-edged cards are sent out, or notices are put up on public places.

So a dignified notice on an Internet site would not strike Miss Manners as tacky.

Condolences are another matter. Those should be expressions of sympathy and, when possible, kind memories, sent personally from one person to another.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I held a fundraiser for a local elected official and neighbor six days ago, I told him my little house could accommodate no more than 50 people. He kept saying he wanted 100 people, and I kept telling him that was impossible.

Ninety-five attended.

Luckily, the weather cooperated and we were able to use my garden for the overflow and everyone seemed to have a good time. He was pleased with the sum raised (several thousand dollars).

I spent on food and drink approximately four times my usual political contribution, not to mention the stress of holding such a large event at my age (70) without hired help.

I haven't received any written acknowledgement. Said politician, 40 years old and single, is planning more fundraisers. (I mention that he is single because I can't help thinking that if he were married, his wife would make sure he did the right thing.)

To add insult to injury, he requested for a thank you note the address of a friend who didn't attend but sent a small contribution.

Is it ever appropriate to inform someone that a thank you note and/or a thank you gift are called for?

GENTLE READER: No, but there is a way to get a politician's attention: Call his office and ask to be taken off the mailing list because you are no longer sure about being a supporter.

But not quite yet, please. As strong a believer as Miss Manners is in prompt expressions of gratitude, she would give him more than six days. And not expect a present, as would be customary for the guest of honor at a social occasion.

Presumably you have reasons other than neighborliness to support this person. And even Miss Manners would not allow her vote to hang on one letter of thanks. But ignoring your instructions about the party, even though you were able to accommodate the larger number, is ominous. Public servants are supposed to be responsive to the wishes of others.

In any case, you can and should request a formal acknowledgment of the money you spent for your own accounting and tax purposes. Perhaps that will prompt the reply you deserve.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In this day and age of over-the-top weddings, I am in a real quandary regarding invitations to mine.

I am old enough to have grandchildren and will be marrying again after several years of widowhood. I don't want anything resembling a traditional wedding. I just want a party, and since everyone is together and my friend the preacher is there, gee, lets have a wedding type of casual gathering. No formality whatsoever.

So how do my intended and I word invitations? "Susan and Joseph request the pleasure of your company...." is far more formal than what I am envisioning, but "Yo! It's a party" sounds too silly. The words must reflect the seriousness of the commitment but none of the formality that suggests a young woman's dream day.

GENTLE READER: Informal weddings can be charming, and Miss Manners is happy to see that you do not mistake informality for jokiness.

But neither should your invitations ape the formal style. A correct informal invitation is simply a short letter: "Joseph and I are being married on (date, time, place) and would love to have you attend...."

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