DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I held a fundraiser for a local elected official and neighbor six days ago, I told him my little house could accommodate no more than 50 people. He kept saying he wanted 100 people, and I kept telling him that was impossible.

Ninety-five attended.

Luckily, the weather cooperated and we were able to use my garden for the overflow and everyone seemed to have a good time. He was pleased with the sum raised (several thousand dollars).

I spent on food and drink approximately four times my usual political contribution, not to mention the stress of holding such a large event at my age (70) without hired help.

I haven't received any written acknowledgement. Said politician, 40 years old and single, is planning more fundraisers. (I mention that he is single because I can't help thinking that if he were married, his wife would make sure he did the right thing.)

To add insult to injury, he requested for a thank you note the address of a friend who didn't attend but sent a small contribution.

Is it ever appropriate to inform someone that a thank you note and/or a thank you gift are called for?

GENTLE READER: No, but there is a way to get a politician's attention: Call his office and ask to be taken off the mailing list because you are no longer sure about being a supporter.

But not quite yet, please. As strong a believer as Miss Manners is in prompt expressions of gratitude, she would give him more than six days. And not expect a present, as would be customary for the guest of honor at a social occasion.

Presumably you have reasons other than neighborliness to support this person. And even Miss Manners would not allow her vote to hang on one letter of thanks. But ignoring your instructions about the party, even though you were able to accommodate the larger number, is ominous. Public servants are supposed to be responsive to the wishes of others.

In any case, you can and should request a formal acknowledgment of the money you spent for your own accounting and tax purposes. Perhaps that will prompt the reply you deserve.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In this day and age of over-the-top weddings, I am in a real quandary regarding invitations to mine.

I am old enough to have grandchildren and will be marrying again after several years of widowhood. I don't want anything resembling a traditional wedding. I just want a party, and since everyone is together and my friend the preacher is there, gee, lets have a wedding type of casual gathering. No formality whatsoever.

So how do my intended and I word invitations? "Susan and Joseph request the pleasure of your company...." is far more formal than what I am envisioning, but "Yo! It's a party" sounds too silly. The words must reflect the seriousness of the commitment but none of the formality that suggests a young woman's dream day.

GENTLE READER: Informal weddings can be charming, and Miss Manners is happy to see that you do not mistake informality for jokiness.

But neither should your invitations ape the formal style. A correct informal invitation is simply a short letter: "Joseph and I are being married on (date, time, place) and would love to have you attend...."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am about to marry a sweet, kind, beautiful, gorgeous woman. I planned this in private, and it will take place in her country, principally because we want her family to be in the wedding.

I did not tell my friends, because previous relationships did not work out and I don't really want any questions about those relationships.

The problem is that my wife-to-be is an amputee. She lost her leg below the knee.

I am protective of her though she does not need it. She is poised and sensible. So how do I introduce her, or for that matter, tell those at work?

Is it, "Hi guys, I recently got married. Full disclosure: She's an amputee"? Or just wait for them to ask questions and then tell them?

GENTLE READER: Because you are so protective of your wife, do you plan to tell her how to warn her own friends about anything in you that they might consider odd?

What Miss Manners finds odd is that you have braced yourself to refuse to discuss your past, but want to prepare to discuss your wife's body.

A gentleman does not do that. (Oh, all right, a bit of gushing over her beauty because you are a new bridegroom, but certainly not her medical history.)

To announce this information as a pre-introduction will suggest that the missing leg is her most defining characteristic, rather than the qualities you mentioned at the beginning of your letter. Besides, no one who then meets her will look her in the eye.

Unless she wears miniskirts -- and even then -- there should be no respectable reason for anyone to focus on her legs.

However, there may be times when it is noticeable, and considering the lack of restraint people put on their curiosity, there will undoubtedly be rude people who will demand to know about the amputation.

But also undoubtedly, the lady has run into such rude types before. So ask her how she would like it handled. Eventually, there may be close friends to whom she is willing to give her history, but she is not obliged to account for herself unless she chooses. And you are even less obliged.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a few weeks I will be opening a small shop. Would it be vulgar to invite friends to a launch party before the official opening, or is this akin to one of those dreadful shopping parties?

GENTLE READER: Actually, no. Miss Manners dislikes the shopping party as much as you do, but on the grounds that it uses social circumstances to pressure people into attending a commercial venture and buying things they may not want.

You are frankly opening a shop, and offering your friends the chance to become acquainted with it before, or as, it is open to the public. Those not interested need not attend, and those who do should be welcomed without being made to feel obliged to buy.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a recent vacation to a dude ranch, one evening's entertainment was a gentleman singing songs and telling stories about cowboys around a campfire.

An elderly lady in the small audience, who had apparently seen the same performance the previous week, repeatedly demanded that the performer "stop talking and sing already," and conversed loudly with her companions during the storytelling segments.

While this lady's behavior significantly detracted from my (and I imagine others') enjoyment of the performance, I could not come up with an appropriate response, other than to turn around and look directly at her when she spoke in the hopes of getting her to realize the impact she was having on her fellow audience members.

Lacking Miss Manners' gifts for polite and respectful commentary, we all remained silent and tolerated this lady's behavior until she left us to enjoy the show in peace. How could I have better handled this situation?

GENTLE READER: It is a pity, Miss Manners agrees, to pass up the opportunity to rescue a cowboy in distress.

This one was apparently unusually helpless, because performers generally have ways of dealing with hecklers. An audience member who takes this upon herself runs the risk of starting a shouting match, and that is probably what deterred you.

But you could have said in a firm but calm and cordial voice, "Excuse me, but many of us would like to hear what he is saying."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just when I thought etiquette was at its lowest on the convenience scale, my husband and I received an e-mailed invitation to his cousin's wedding.

To top this off, we received it three months prior to the event and were requested to RSVP within days. The bride's family (immediate and extended) lives in Washington, D.C., and the wedding is in London. I am still flabbergasted. How do I RSVP? Do I RSVP?

Honestly, I don't feel compelled to attend an event that will take our children out of school, cost us over $4,500 and inconvenience us greatly -- for a girl whom we adore but whose family could not inconvenience themselves to print and mail an invitation.

Said bride is now sending out mass e-mails saying that she is sorry that it seems that she didn't care if we (all) attend her wedding. She checks with her mother for the numbers of attendees and is disappointed that they are so low.

How do I respond to this? Do we send a gift? What would be appropriate? My husband thinks that the e-mailed invitation is great because they're "green," but I can't get over my own expectations.

GENTLE READER: You send a present because you adore the bride, and you decline the invitation because it is prohibitive for you to spend that amount of time and money (although you do not give that excuse, as none is necessary).

Miss Manners begs you to stop trying to think of some snippy way of pointing out the bride's errors. It is true that an e-mail invitation does not alert people to an important event, and also true that many people who might enjoy attending a particular wedding will be deterred if it involves extraordinary expense in both time and money.

But for you to take obvious notice of the poor planning would be rude. Besides, the bride has already found out from the tepid response. There is no excuse for you to rub it in.

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