DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a recent vacation to a dude ranch, one evening's entertainment was a gentleman singing songs and telling stories about cowboys around a campfire.

An elderly lady in the small audience, who had apparently seen the same performance the previous week, repeatedly demanded that the performer "stop talking and sing already," and conversed loudly with her companions during the storytelling segments.

While this lady's behavior significantly detracted from my (and I imagine others') enjoyment of the performance, I could not come up with an appropriate response, other than to turn around and look directly at her when she spoke in the hopes of getting her to realize the impact she was having on her fellow audience members.

Lacking Miss Manners' gifts for polite and respectful commentary, we all remained silent and tolerated this lady's behavior until she left us to enjoy the show in peace. How could I have better handled this situation?

GENTLE READER: It is a pity, Miss Manners agrees, to pass up the opportunity to rescue a cowboy in distress.

This one was apparently unusually helpless, because performers generally have ways of dealing with hecklers. An audience member who takes this upon herself runs the risk of starting a shouting match, and that is probably what deterred you.

But you could have said in a firm but calm and cordial voice, "Excuse me, but many of us would like to hear what he is saying."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just when I thought etiquette was at its lowest on the convenience scale, my husband and I received an e-mailed invitation to his cousin's wedding.

To top this off, we received it three months prior to the event and were requested to RSVP within days. The bride's family (immediate and extended) lives in Washington, D.C., and the wedding is in London. I am still flabbergasted. How do I RSVP? Do I RSVP?

Honestly, I don't feel compelled to attend an event that will take our children out of school, cost us over $4,500 and inconvenience us greatly -- for a girl whom we adore but whose family could not inconvenience themselves to print and mail an invitation.

Said bride is now sending out mass e-mails saying that she is sorry that it seems that she didn't care if we (all) attend her wedding. She checks with her mother for the numbers of attendees and is disappointed that they are so low.

How do I respond to this? Do we send a gift? What would be appropriate? My husband thinks that the e-mailed invitation is great because they're "green," but I can't get over my own expectations.

GENTLE READER: You send a present because you adore the bride, and you decline the invitation because it is prohibitive for you to spend that amount of time and money (although you do not give that excuse, as none is necessary).

Miss Manners begs you to stop trying to think of some snippy way of pointing out the bride's errors. It is true that an e-mail invitation does not alert people to an important event, and also true that many people who might enjoy attending a particular wedding will be deterred if it involves extraordinary expense in both time and money.

But for you to take obvious notice of the poor planning would be rude. Besides, the bride has already found out from the tepid response. There is no excuse for you to rub it in.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When should you apologize to one's children?

Sometimes I withhold an apology because I think it more importance to sustain their illusion of their parent's infallibility, the one that keeps them feeling secure. On the other hand, I would like to teach them to realize that they are not always wrong, and also to apologize when needed.

What do you think? Is there a way to apologize while keeping their faith in their parents?

I am not sure that this question can be wholly answered in the realm of etiquette.

GENTLE READER: Oh, yes, it can.

But first Miss Manners has to steel herself to deal with disillusionment.

Not your children's. Unless they are still in the cradle, they are on to you when you are in the wrong. And if not, you are setting yourself up for the day when they are. That is the disillusioning reality you must learn to accept.

Anyway, children's security does not come from believing that their parents are infallible. It comes from observing that they are reliable, loving and fair.

By maintaining the posture that you are right when you are wrong, you would not only be exposing yourself as unfair, but you would be teaching them to bluster through their errors, rather than to correct them.

Flash forward to the day when one of them has reached high public distinction and is indignantly denying whatever he has been caught doing. Will you be proud that the lesson took?

When should a parent apologize to a child? When the parent is in the wrong.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my same-sex partner of six years and I were getting dressed to go out to a nice restaurant, he asked what I was planning to wear and I replied long pants. He said he was going to wear shorts, and then we got into a discussion about how alike/different our clothes should be, and whether or not it even matters.

My natural instinct is that our attire should be more similar as the formality of the event rises. In other words, we can each wear whatever we prefer to an informal gathering, but nicer events call for both of us to be in either slacks or shorts.

But we also don't want to be dressed too similarly, both in dark slacks and blue shirts, e.g. Heterosexual couples don't have to worry about wearing similar clothing to an event (insert amusing observation here), but is there protocol for same-sex couples?

GENTLE READER: Heterosexual couples should worry more. At formal events nowadays, it is not uncommon to see a gentlemen in a dinner jacket with a lady in a cocktail dress, or a lady in a ball gown with a gentleman wearing a business suit.

However, the principle is to suit the occasion, not each other, although Miss Manners admits that your both dressing suitably would leave you dressed similarly. It only becomes ludicrous if you dress identically, although not in the case of evening clothes.

At a "nice" restaurant, you should both have been wearing long pants. At a resort or fast food court, either long or short pants are acceptable.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Next semester I will be abroad, living with a host family. There are some guidelines set up, like we cannot break things and must respect the curfew if our family sets one.

But what is my status within the family? I am really not quite simply a "customer," although I am paying, but since they will be strangers -- at least originally -- I am not quite a member of the household.

So -- do I insist on helping with dishes? What about other household responsibilities? I know I will be responsible for my space, but what about the rest of the house? Should I expect them to be more like landlords or parents? Miss Manners, please help me navigate this situation with grace.

GENTLE READER: Imagine that your parents have agreed that the child of a friend, whom none of you have met, will spend a few weeks with your family this summer while taking courses in your town, and that her parents have insisted on compensating your parents, even if they protested.

Scenario 1: She sits there while you clear the table and do whatever other chores you are used to doing.

Scenario 2: Not only does she do your chores before you get to them (with everyone else knowing she is doing them), but she has started vacuuming the house every weekend.

You hate her already.

Oh, yes, you do. Miss Manners can tell.

In the first instance, her having paid to stay is irrelevant. Your house is not a hotel, and she can't hire you to serve her. In the second, it's not just her showing you up. It's her behaving as if it were her house.

That is the dilemma of someone in a household who is neither a customer nor a family member. Nor, for that matter, a short-term guest, who should offer to help but not make decisions about running the house.

What is acceptable is to spend a day or two observing the household routine, and then volunteering to help where it seems needed. As for insisting -- you should insist on helping, but not insist on doing a particular chore if the help seems genuinely unwanted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to send someone a thank-you card, but I miscalculated the ratio of text to space and have no room left on which to write. Is it appropriate to slip another sheet in the card and continue there? If so, what sort of paper should be used for the job?

GENTLE READER: How the card industry managed to convince people that canned messages are more important than personal ones, Miss Manners will never understand.

Obviously you understand the importance of using your own words. So why cheapen them by enclosing them within a preprinted form?

All you have to do here is to take out a plain piece of paper and write a letter of thanks. It is simpler, cheaper and, Miss Manners assures you, more dignified and proper.

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