DEAR MISS MANNERS: When should you apologize to one's children?

Sometimes I withhold an apology because I think it more importance to sustain their illusion of their parent's infallibility, the one that keeps them feeling secure. On the other hand, I would like to teach them to realize that they are not always wrong, and also to apologize when needed.

What do you think? Is there a way to apologize while keeping their faith in their parents?

I am not sure that this question can be wholly answered in the realm of etiquette.

GENTLE READER: Oh, yes, it can.

But first Miss Manners has to steel herself to deal with disillusionment.

Not your children's. Unless they are still in the cradle, they are on to you when you are in the wrong. And if not, you are setting yourself up for the day when they are. That is the disillusioning reality you must learn to accept.

Anyway, children's security does not come from believing that their parents are infallible. It comes from observing that they are reliable, loving and fair.

By maintaining the posture that you are right when you are wrong, you would not only be exposing yourself as unfair, but you would be teaching them to bluster through their errors, rather than to correct them.

Flash forward to the day when one of them has reached high public distinction and is indignantly denying whatever he has been caught doing. Will you be proud that the lesson took?

When should a parent apologize to a child? When the parent is in the wrong.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my same-sex partner of six years and I were getting dressed to go out to a nice restaurant, he asked what I was planning to wear and I replied long pants. He said he was going to wear shorts, and then we got into a discussion about how alike/different our clothes should be, and whether or not it even matters.

My natural instinct is that our attire should be more similar as the formality of the event rises. In other words, we can each wear whatever we prefer to an informal gathering, but nicer events call for both of us to be in either slacks or shorts.

But we also don't want to be dressed too similarly, both in dark slacks and blue shirts, e.g. Heterosexual couples don't have to worry about wearing similar clothing to an event (insert amusing observation here), but is there protocol for same-sex couples?

GENTLE READER: Heterosexual couples should worry more. At formal events nowadays, it is not uncommon to see a gentlemen in a dinner jacket with a lady in a cocktail dress, or a lady in a ball gown with a gentleman wearing a business suit.

However, the principle is to suit the occasion, not each other, although Miss Manners admits that your both dressing suitably would leave you dressed similarly. It only becomes ludicrous if you dress identically, although not in the case of evening clothes.

At a "nice" restaurant, you should both have been wearing long pants. At a resort or fast food court, either long or short pants are acceptable.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Next semester I will be abroad, living with a host family. There are some guidelines set up, like we cannot break things and must respect the curfew if our family sets one.

But what is my status within the family? I am really not quite simply a "customer," although I am paying, but since they will be strangers -- at least originally -- I am not quite a member of the household.

So -- do I insist on helping with dishes? What about other household responsibilities? I know I will be responsible for my space, but what about the rest of the house? Should I expect them to be more like landlords or parents? Miss Manners, please help me navigate this situation with grace.

GENTLE READER: Imagine that your parents have agreed that the child of a friend, whom none of you have met, will spend a few weeks with your family this summer while taking courses in your town, and that her parents have insisted on compensating your parents, even if they protested.

Scenario 1: She sits there while you clear the table and do whatever other chores you are used to doing.

Scenario 2: Not only does she do your chores before you get to them (with everyone else knowing she is doing them), but she has started vacuuming the house every weekend.

You hate her already.

Oh, yes, you do. Miss Manners can tell.

In the first instance, her having paid to stay is irrelevant. Your house is not a hotel, and she can't hire you to serve her. In the second, it's not just her showing you up. It's her behaving as if it were her house.

That is the dilemma of someone in a household who is neither a customer nor a family member. Nor, for that matter, a short-term guest, who should offer to help but not make decisions about running the house.

What is acceptable is to spend a day or two observing the household routine, and then volunteering to help where it seems needed. As for insisting -- you should insist on helping, but not insist on doing a particular chore if the help seems genuinely unwanted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to send someone a thank-you card, but I miscalculated the ratio of text to space and have no room left on which to write. Is it appropriate to slip another sheet in the card and continue there? If so, what sort of paper should be used for the job?

GENTLE READER: How the card industry managed to convince people that canned messages are more important than personal ones, Miss Manners will never understand.

Obviously you understand the importance of using your own words. So why cheapen them by enclosing them within a preprinted form?

All you have to do here is to take out a plain piece of paper and write a letter of thanks. It is simpler, cheaper and, Miss Manners assures you, more dignified and proper.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We built a beautiful vacation rental home and spent a lot of time and money to furnish it with quality items so that our rental guests can feel that they have their "home away." Many people expressed delight, saying that how much they enjoy the provisions.

We run a substantial financial deficit on the home and don't know if we'll break-even -- ever. We opened our home for others to enjoy. Several items are already "disappearing," and we decided not to replace them. Our home is individually owned -- we are not part of a larger business (not that this is appropriate, either) that might be able to absorb the losses.

Some time ago, I saw a little poem that politely reminded people that these items are here for them to use at our home and to please leave them behind for the next person to use; and also, please treat the home with respect so that it remains nice in the years to come when they return.

Can you provide me a few polite reminders that I can frame and place in a few rooms?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners knew a little poem or a cute saying that would reform thieves on the spot, she would be in conference with the police department right now.

You do not say whether it is your shampoo bottle or your television set that keeps getting stolen. Hotels give away the former, which has gotten people used to believing that they are owed a souvenir, but it has not prevented the theft of larger items.

At any rate, a warning, however coyly worded, would insult your honest guests. Miss Manners suggests you limit your guest list to them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother served in Iraq a couple of years ago. He suffers from PTSD and was wounded. The physical wound is not one you can see, but people (family especially) will still ask him what it was like to fight in the war and even go so far as to ask if he killed anyone.

We have a family reunion coming up, which he is considering not attending because of the possibility of having to field questions of that nature. I haven't seen him since he graduated from boot camp and would be heartbroken if I couldn't see him because of this matter.

I understand where he's coming from, but I would like to know what the appropriate response is to questions of that nature. Would it be OK to just give family a heads up to not ask him about his war experience?

GENTLE READER: Can you do this without creating consternation and even more curiosity about his condition?

It would be kind to save your brother the trouble of saying, "I really don't feel like talking about the war these days," which is all he needs to say, although he will unfortunately probably find that he has to keep repeating it to the same people.

But Miss Manners begs you to do this in a nonalarmist way. Something such as, "Alex will probably tell us about the war eventually, but right now it's his least favorite topic, and I know he'd appreciate our staying off the subject."

You don't want the family to start looking at him nervously or backing away as he approaches.

: