DEAR MISS MANNERS: I minored in French in college and still remember some of it. I live in California and interact only with strict anglophones. Sometimes when they e-mail me invitations, they say "please RSVP."

Is it polite to e-mail them back and say, "FYI, please RSVP means please respond please. RSVP is French."

Most of them have no idea what RSVP stands for, exactly what it means, nor that is in French.

GENTLE READER: Let us suppose that someone who speaks beautiful French were to ask you what "FYI" meant. Would you take that same tone?

"For your information, FYI means 'for your information.' FYI is English."

A mite patronizing?

Miss Manners points this out only because you asked. In contrast, your would-be hosts are not asking for instruction; they are asking whether you are accepting or declining. They do not deserve to have their invitations treated like term papers.

That said, Miss Manners finds it strange that we still use the French abbreviation, a relic from the time that French was thought to be the common language of western society. It no longer is.

Therefore, she much prefers that such a request be a plain "Please respond" or, in the case of formal invitations, "The favor of a response is requested." For an American even to use the British spelling, "favour," strikes her as an unwarranted surrender of our native tongue.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A restaurant where we dine folds the napkins in such a way that they can be used as an alligator hand puppet. Most tables are set for four, and there are only three of us including my daughter, so after properly placing our napkins in our laps after we sit down, there is still an extra napkin begging to be used as a puppet.

Since there is no rule (that I know of) specifically forbidding the use of spare napkins as alligator puppets, and since we have correctly followed all napkin rules by placing our designated napkins in our laps, I believe that using spare napkins for entertainment purposes is fine. Although my wife cannot cite a specific offense, she still thinks we shouldn't do it just because it is unusual and out of the ordinary.

Can you please share your opinion on this matter?

GENTLE READER: It is that the restaurant has created what Miss Manners believes is legally known as an attractive nuisance, and, not having cleared the unused place setting, could not expect you to resist the puppet's begging to be used.

However, if the puppet starts eating from people's plates, she will have considered that you went too far.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have been married 49 years, with very few cross words between us. Last night I had a dream where my wife severely criticized the way I was removing decorative pillows from the bed. I, in turn, said some very unkind words to her.

Do I owe her an apology or does she owe me one?

GENTLE READER: If you woke your wife up to tell her about it, you owe her an apology. If you did not, you owe Miss Manners an apology for thinking that she would steal upon you in the night and critique your dreams.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am so flabbergasted by this I had to write. Have you ever heard of a grandmother shower? And what do you think of it? (Although I'm pretty sure I know what your answer will be.)

My friend works in an office, and a co-worker's daughter is having a baby. Another co-worker organized a "Grandmother Shower" to celebrate the birth and invited all the women in the office to attend. The party is being held at the office, and the invitation was issued via company e-mail.

Included in the invitation was a line noting that the expectant mother is registered at a particular store. Most, if not all, of the people in the office have never even met the expectant mother, and she will be in attendance at the shower collecting gifts.

I have never heard of such a thing, and to me it seems like a crass grab for gifts. Plus, I find it highly inappropriate to have it in the office, making people feel obligated to go.

P.S. This is not the first time this has happened, and there has also been a recent invitation to a great-grandmother shower.

GENTLE READER: Well, then, you have heard of such a thing.

And, indeed, so has Miss Manners of late. This is only one of several innovations in what is still called entertaining that have caught on in the last decade or so -- types of celebrations and little routines within parties.

Strangely enough, they all have one thing in common: acquisitions. Some publish gift-registry choices, and others require cash donations, but the theme is always getting stuff from guests.

To minimize the outlay, guests are often asked to bring the refreshments or to pay for their own meals at restaurants, or, in the case of the invention of the virtual party, not to attend at all. Sadly, true socializing is being replaced by personal fund-raising.

Baby showers are intended to be for friends who are actually having babies. A co-worker producing her daughter or granddaughter to collect goods from strangers is indeed a bald grab, devoid of friendship.

If people would resist being pressured into cooperating with such travesties of social life, these might disappear. Miss Manners recommends your merely wishing the expectant mother well on your way to your desk or out to lunch.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father is dying of cancer, and he would like his grandchildren to be his pallbearers. There are two girls as grandchildren and he would like for them to be included.

They say it should just be the boys. What is the proper etiquette for this?

GENTLE READER: Who is it who dares to deny your father his dying wish?

Not the girls themselves, Miss Manners trusts. Nor anyone with a true sense of etiquette, which has come around to recognizing that gender is no longer the paramount factor in relationships. Your father wants to be attended by his grandchildren, and no such anachronistic distinctions should prevent this.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is putting on a birthday party for me. I will be turning 57.

His sister has taken up the art of hand sculpting huge birthday cakes. She has been mastering the art of making huge, 3-foot-tall penises. She recently presented one to her mother-in-law for her birthday.

Needless to say, it didn't go over very well. She is very proud of herself and takes this cake-making business seriously. I have just found out that my husband has ordered a cake from her for my birthday.

I think she is grotesque, rude and out of line with these cakes. I am mortified that she might make the same penis cake for me.

How should I react? With disgust and asking her to leave? Or thanking her and putting a large garbage bag over it and offering it to her to take home?

I have told my husband I would be totally offended if I was presented with a cake like that as a surprise. He says don't worry about it. I'm sure she won't do it. But I know she will.

Please tell me what to say.

GENTLE READER: Say "Thank you," whisk it into the kitchen, slice it in small pieces and serve it on a platter. Just please don't describe the slicing to Miss Manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 21 years old, and this summer I will be matriculating into medical school. As such, I find myself among the Southern landed gentry, many of my classmates being the sons of doctors or otherwise coming from wealthy families.

As a graduating gift, my grandparents have been generous enough to purchase me my own personalized stationery. But before I do so, I want to make sure that I am ordering what is appropriate and in good taste, since I will probably not be able to afford another copperplate for some time. I have decided that I want an embossed heading, but I am unsure as to what it should include.

Please note that this stationery would be used for personal correspondence only. Furthermore, I will be attending residency to further my education, and my scholarship for medical school is through the Army, so I will not have a permanent address for some time.

GENTLE READER: That you plan to write real letters, on paper with ink, delights Miss Manners, who thought she was the only one left doing this. The key question concerning taste is whom you will be writing.

You will be shown all sorts of fanciful colors and styles, and urged to make your choice only on the basis of self expression, even if it results in turquoise paper with yellow lettering.

That would be all very well if you were to use the paper for little notes to close friends, but that function has been taken over by e-mail and texting. Miss Manners is guessing that you will be reserving it for serious letters of thanks, congratulations and condolences.

Serious paper is white or ecru, with engraving in black, gray or dark blue. It can be headed by one's full name (traditionally including honorific, which is not properly used on business paper) with or without an address, or by a monogram.

Because your address and title will change, a monogram would be the most enduring.

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