DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes I feel that I am fighting a losing battle while trying to raise my two sons, aged 2 and 3. My husband and I feel it is important to raise our children to be polite and respectful.

I am amazed at how difficult this can be! How do we deal with people who swear in front of our children? I cannot count how many times this has happened, in places such as Disneyland and at the playground.

Just today, I was in the restroom with my boys, washing their hands, when the grandmotherly woman at the sink next to us used profanity due to a lack of paper towels.

My children are at the age where they repeat everything they hear, so this is especially concerning.

How, also, do we deal with people who take exception to the way we're teaching our children to address adults? We were both raised that children address adults as Mr., Mrs., or Ms. ______. I am constantly dealing with people who, in front of my children, demand that my children call them by their first names because "it makes them feel old" to be addressed that way.

I have been politely responding, "I'm sorry, but that's the way we're choosing to raise our children."

Should we defer to their wishes or hold firm to our belief?

GENTLE READER: You should let go of your belief that you can bring up adult strangers. Or anyone else except your own children, a formidable enough task, as you have discovered.

That you wish that your children could grow up in a more civilized world is something with which Miss Manners sympathizes. Never mind the children -- she'd like to live there herself.

But your job is to prepare them for the real world, old foul-mouthed ladies and all.

Fortunately, you have some years now in which you and your husband are the main influences in their lives. You can inscribe your own standards so that they will always measure behavior by them, whether or not they choose to obey them once they are out of sight or on their own.

Young children are thrilled to know that it is not just they, but grown-ups, who sometimes misbehave. You must say nothing when the offender is present -- you don't want your children thinking that they can scold strangers -- but afterwards, you can say, "That poor lady doesn't know how to talk properly -- she said a very bad word."

You must also teach them to treat foolish adults, as well as sensible ones, with respect. When an adult gives a child permission to use his or her first name, it overrides the general rule you are quite properly teaching them.

Ideally, an adult would suggest this as a flattering way of recognizing that a young friend has become an adult. Miss Manners is aware, however, that the silly claim you cite is more often the case.

But everything provides the alert parent with material for child-rearing. When your children are older, this should provoke a discussion of how sad it is to be ashamed of reaching what is supposed to be emotional, as well as physical, maturity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you go to a restaurant and the server will say "Hello, I'm Sally and I will be your server..." I always feel I'm being rude if I don't introduce my wife and myself.

When I do, the server seems surprised. What is the correct response?

GENTLE READER: "The lady will have a martini, please, and I would like a diet cola."

Visit Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com, where you can send her your questions.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was treated rudely by a friend at a social function and told her that I felt her manners were sorely lacking. My friend replied that telling someone that they are rude is, in itself, an act of rudeness, making me, rather than her, the perpetrator of bad behavior in this situation!

By that definition, wouldn't her telling me that I'd been rude make her rude as well?

We've long since gotten past the initial offense that caused this situation, but are now mired in a standoff over who is guilty of rude behavior.

Does commenting on rudeness to someone who commits an offending act constitute an act of rudeness within itself? We'll anxiously await your final decision.

GENTLE READER: Then would you stop dueling? Or are you having too much fun?

Either one of you could have handled this politely. You could have said, at the first offense, "My dear, I'm sure you didn't mean to shove me on your way to the buffet table" (or whatever crime she committed). But Miss Manners is afraid that you baldly announced, as you do in your letter, that her "manners were sorely lacking."

If you did deliver that rude reprimand, your friend could have said, "I'm so terribly sorry. Of course I didn't mean it, just as I know you don't mean to be rude and scold me."

But apparently she resorted to the "You're another" defense. Miss Manners calls it a draw.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a compounding pharmacist (making custom medications "from scratch"; our pharmacy specializes in hormone replacement), and many of our clients tell me that I'm skilled at explaining their therapy (how much to use, what kind of symptoms to watch for, etc.).

They're so impressed that they tell their friends, who then, often without getting a prescription, call and want me to spend work-time discussing their symptoms -- at length.

I don't want to upset them -- they need help, and also might be potential clients -- but my boss is paying me to mix and explain prescriptions, not to chat. How might I gently dissuade those who seek free advice on my boss's time?

GENTLE READER: The advice you must dispense to such callers will help you, as well as them. It will save you not only time, but ethical distress.

Miss Manners would think that explaining the proper use of medications with your clients is one thing, and having medical discussions with strangers who tell you their symptoms over the telephone is quite another.

The quick and helpful advice she recommends, therefore, is "Ask your doctor."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wonder if there exists terminology to distinguish the following:

1. a sister-in-law who is my brother's wife

2. a sister-in-law who is my husband's sister

3. a sister-in-law who is my husband's brother's sister.

Miss Manners would surely know how to refer to these individuals simply and clearly!

GENTLE READER-- Of course.

1. "My brother's wife."

2. "My husband's sister."

3. "My husband's sister"-- unless you meant to write "My husband's brother's wife," in which case it would be "My husband's brother's wife."

Miss Manners is happy to be of help.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some feel that if a doctor calls the patient by his first name, it is appropriate to call the doctor by his first name; others have said that if you address the doctor using his title, the doctor should reciprocate; and still others believe that a doctor should always be addressed by his title, regardless of how he addresses you. What is the proper etiquette in this situation?

GENTLE READER: Doctors who address their patients by their first names will tell you that they do so because it is "friendly" and makes the patient relax. Miss Manners considers it a professional relationship requiring formality on both sides. Personally, she does not allow her friends to require her to take off her clothes so they can get a good look at her.

Some doctors, chiefly young ones, do not object being addressed similarly in return. Others do but should not be indulged in the rude wish of demanding a dignity from those to whom they deny it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette on baby showers for single moms and couples who are not married?

I received an invitation to a baby shower for a young lady I had never met, my cousin's son's girlfriend who is expecting. The couple, who are in their mid-20s, are not married, they do not live together, and from what I have learned from relatives, they have no intention of getting married or setting up house together anytime in the near future. (The young man lives with his parents and the young lady lives with her parents.)

Over the past few years, I have received several baby shower invitations and/or invitations to baptisms for babies of young men and women who are not married, not living together and in some instances no longer dating.

It used to be the wedding shower came first, then the wedding, then the baby shower, then the baptism, so you got a chance to meet and get to know the young couple a little bit.

Nowadays it seems as if people want the perks (gifts?) that come with celebrating events that were traditionally associated with young married couples, without being married.

I declined the shower invitation and I did not send a gift. My friend thinks that I am being snooty and old-fashioned. I think these people are being greedy, begging gifts from strangers. It is not about the lady being a single mom. I have no problem supporting a single mom I know and have a relationship with, but I believe that I have no obligation to purchase a gift and give up a Sunday afternoon for a woman I have never met.

GENTLE READER-- Right -- If you know and like the guest of honor, go, and if you don't, don't.

So if you would happily honor a single mother you knew, why did you throw in all that bit about modern mating customs? You only sidetracked Miss Manners and prickled your friend, although Miss Manners does not consider being called old-fashioned an insult.

But there is nothing snooty about declining the invitations of strangers, and one does not owe a present for a shower one did not attend.

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