DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was treated rudely by a friend at a social function and told her that I felt her manners were sorely lacking. My friend replied that telling someone that they are rude is, in itself, an act of rudeness, making me, rather than her, the perpetrator of bad behavior in this situation!

By that definition, wouldn't her telling me that I'd been rude make her rude as well?

We've long since gotten past the initial offense that caused this situation, but are now mired in a standoff over who is guilty of rude behavior.

Does commenting on rudeness to someone who commits an offending act constitute an act of rudeness within itself? We'll anxiously await your final decision.

GENTLE READER: Then would you stop dueling? Or are you having too much fun?

Either one of you could have handled this politely. You could have said, at the first offense, "My dear, I'm sure you didn't mean to shove me on your way to the buffet table" (or whatever crime she committed). But Miss Manners is afraid that you baldly announced, as you do in your letter, that her "manners were sorely lacking."

If you did deliver that rude reprimand, your friend could have said, "I'm so terribly sorry. Of course I didn't mean it, just as I know you don't mean to be rude and scold me."

But apparently she resorted to the "You're another" defense. Miss Manners calls it a draw.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a compounding pharmacist (making custom medications "from scratch"; our pharmacy specializes in hormone replacement), and many of our clients tell me that I'm skilled at explaining their therapy (how much to use, what kind of symptoms to watch for, etc.).

They're so impressed that they tell their friends, who then, often without getting a prescription, call and want me to spend work-time discussing their symptoms -- at length.

I don't want to upset them -- they need help, and also might be potential clients -- but my boss is paying me to mix and explain prescriptions, not to chat. How might I gently dissuade those who seek free advice on my boss's time?

GENTLE READER: The advice you must dispense to such callers will help you, as well as them. It will save you not only time, but ethical distress.

Miss Manners would think that explaining the proper use of medications with your clients is one thing, and having medical discussions with strangers who tell you their symptoms over the telephone is quite another.

The quick and helpful advice she recommends, therefore, is "Ask your doctor."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wonder if there exists terminology to distinguish the following:

1. a sister-in-law who is my brother's wife

2. a sister-in-law who is my husband's sister

3. a sister-in-law who is my husband's brother's sister.

Miss Manners would surely know how to refer to these individuals simply and clearly!

GENTLE READER-- Of course.

1. "My brother's wife."

2. "My husband's sister."

3. "My husband's sister"-- unless you meant to write "My husband's brother's wife," in which case it would be "My husband's brother's wife."

Miss Manners is happy to be of help.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some feel that if a doctor calls the patient by his first name, it is appropriate to call the doctor by his first name; others have said that if you address the doctor using his title, the doctor should reciprocate; and still others believe that a doctor should always be addressed by his title, regardless of how he addresses you. What is the proper etiquette in this situation?

GENTLE READER: Doctors who address their patients by their first names will tell you that they do so because it is "friendly" and makes the patient relax. Miss Manners considers it a professional relationship requiring formality on both sides. Personally, she does not allow her friends to require her to take off her clothes so they can get a good look at her.

Some doctors, chiefly young ones, do not object being addressed similarly in return. Others do but should not be indulged in the rude wish of demanding a dignity from those to whom they deny it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette on baby showers for single moms and couples who are not married?

I received an invitation to a baby shower for a young lady I had never met, my cousin's son's girlfriend who is expecting. The couple, who are in their mid-20s, are not married, they do not live together, and from what I have learned from relatives, they have no intention of getting married or setting up house together anytime in the near future. (The young man lives with his parents and the young lady lives with her parents.)

Over the past few years, I have received several baby shower invitations and/or invitations to baptisms for babies of young men and women who are not married, not living together and in some instances no longer dating.

It used to be the wedding shower came first, then the wedding, then the baby shower, then the baptism, so you got a chance to meet and get to know the young couple a little bit.

Nowadays it seems as if people want the perks (gifts?) that come with celebrating events that were traditionally associated with young married couples, without being married.

I declined the shower invitation and I did not send a gift. My friend thinks that I am being snooty and old-fashioned. I think these people are being greedy, begging gifts from strangers. It is not about the lady being a single mom. I have no problem supporting a single mom I know and have a relationship with, but I believe that I have no obligation to purchase a gift and give up a Sunday afternoon for a woman I have never met.

GENTLE READER-- Right -- If you know and like the guest of honor, go, and if you don't, don't.

So if you would happily honor a single mother you knew, why did you throw in all that bit about modern mating customs? You only sidetracked Miss Manners and prickled your friend, although Miss Manners does not consider being called old-fashioned an insult.

But there is nothing snooty about declining the invitations of strangers, and one does not owe a present for a shower one did not attend.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We gave a graduation gift in the amount of $100 to a friend of our son who has done quite a bit for him over the years. A couple of weeks passed, and my son got a check for the same amount as a graduation gift from his parents.

We really didn't want them to feel obliged to do this. Should we have included a note in our card that reciprocity was not expected or warranted?

GENTLE READER: Your discomfort, with which Miss Manners sympathizes, arises from the substitution of money for objects in social giving. While undoubtedly practical, as its adherents argue, it strips the custom of any pretence to thoughtfulness (thinking that others could use more money doesn't count) and charm.

In effect, you paid your son's friend for graduating; as your son is also graduating, they reciprocated. To fail to reciprocate would have declared an imbalance in the relationship, suggesting that their son was either more in want or more deserving than his friend.

You cannot quarrel with their using money as a present, because that was what you deemed appropriate to give. And if they gave $75, for example, they would look less generous than you, while if they gave $125, it would look as if they were purposely showing you up.

Now suppose that you had sent, instead, a particular piece of sports equipment that your son knew his friend wanted, and that the friend, knowing that your son was spending the summer traveling, had had his parents send a travel bag that was more suitable than the family luggage he might otherwise have taken.

Perhaps these presents might not have cost the same, but it wouldn't matter. The reciprocity would consist of each having made an effort to please the other.

Now you have no choice but to allow your son to accept the check with gracious thanks. But in the future, you might consider going back to the traditional practice of selecting presents rather than simply writing checks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one address a person one does not know, or even has any vague connection with, on a sympathy card?

I am often asked and expected to put a word of encouragement to a friend or acquaintance's friend's cousin whose daughter is going through surgery. I am at a loss for anything meaningful to write, and I feel like I am intruding on them. I usually either sign my name or say something such as "Thinking of you."

Is this acceptable? Is there something more appropriate to write? Alternatively, is there a polite way to decline offering my sympathy to a complete stranger while making it clear I bear them no ill will?

GENTLE READER: Let us go with the alternative. Sympathy is of comfort to the bereaved when it comes from those who care about them or cared about the deceased.

To have a stranger's generalized lamentation about death would, in Miss Manners' view, only confuse and therefore distress someone who is already emotionally overburdened. The well-meaning instigator needs to be told that, very, very gently.

: