DEAR MISS MANNERS: We gave a graduation gift in the amount of $100 to a friend of our son who has done quite a bit for him over the years. A couple of weeks passed, and my son got a check for the same amount as a graduation gift from his parents.

We really didn't want them to feel obliged to do this. Should we have included a note in our card that reciprocity was not expected or warranted?

GENTLE READER: Your discomfort, with which Miss Manners sympathizes, arises from the substitution of money for objects in social giving. While undoubtedly practical, as its adherents argue, it strips the custom of any pretence to thoughtfulness (thinking that others could use more money doesn't count) and charm.

In effect, you paid your son's friend for graduating; as your son is also graduating, they reciprocated. To fail to reciprocate would have declared an imbalance in the relationship, suggesting that their son was either more in want or more deserving than his friend.

You cannot quarrel with their using money as a present, because that was what you deemed appropriate to give. And if they gave $75, for example, they would look less generous than you, while if they gave $125, it would look as if they were purposely showing you up.

Now suppose that you had sent, instead, a particular piece of sports equipment that your son knew his friend wanted, and that the friend, knowing that your son was spending the summer traveling, had had his parents send a travel bag that was more suitable than the family luggage he might otherwise have taken.

Perhaps these presents might not have cost the same, but it wouldn't matter. The reciprocity would consist of each having made an effort to please the other.

Now you have no choice but to allow your son to accept the check with gracious thanks. But in the future, you might consider going back to the traditional practice of selecting presents rather than simply writing checks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one address a person one does not know, or even has any vague connection with, on a sympathy card?

I am often asked and expected to put a word of encouragement to a friend or acquaintance's friend's cousin whose daughter is going through surgery. I am at a loss for anything meaningful to write, and I feel like I am intruding on them. I usually either sign my name or say something such as "Thinking of you."

Is this acceptable? Is there something more appropriate to write? Alternatively, is there a polite way to decline offering my sympathy to a complete stranger while making it clear I bear them no ill will?

GENTLE READER: Let us go with the alternative. Sympathy is of comfort to the bereaved when it comes from those who care about them or cared about the deceased.

To have a stranger's generalized lamentation about death would, in Miss Manners' view, only confuse and therefore distress someone who is already emotionally overburdened. The well-meaning instigator needs to be told that, very, very gently.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our 26-year-old son lives out of state in San Francisco where unfortunately (from our point of view as traditional parents) he has partially gone native by having what we hope will be his first and last live-in girlfriend / concubine / mistress / future-spouse / POSSLQ.

How can we continue to show him a proper mix of parental affection and disapproval?

We are planning to visit his part of the country soon. He proposes bringing his live-in along to overnight stays in a resort, while I'm not inclined to socialize with her until she's an honest woman, or our son is on his deathbed.

However, I don't particularly want to push them into each other's arms, because I don't think our son is yet mature enough to marry, nor do I think they are all that suited to each other. I think both are losing out by not continuing to court rather than to make a decision that forecloses this possibility. Their affairs are beginning to entangle, e.g., a car they own together.

GENTLE READER: Would you mind sorting out your emotions a bit so that Miss Manners can figure out what it is that you do want?

You say you want to show affection for your son, but you are able to picture him on his deathbed.

You say you want to snub the, ah, co-owner of his car, but would accept her as a daughter-in-law (presumably what you mean by "an honest woman"), without considering whether, after such treatment, she would be willing to accept you.

Miss Manners cannot reconcile all that with a line of behavior. But if it would be of help, she can advise you about how to keep from alienating this couple -- yes, both of them -- while not conferring your blessing on their living arrangements.

Invite them to join you at the resort, ordering two rooms for them, preferably at some distance from your own. Treat your son's guest with gallant courtesy, as if this were the traditional type of courtship of which you approve. At any hint of its being otherwise, you should exhibit a bit of embarrassed confusion and change the subject.

Thus it will seem cruel and crude if they flaunt the situation, rather than respecting, if not acceding to, your standards. At the small price of seeming quaint, you will have registered your point without insulting someone to whom you may find yourself related.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were meeting a new couple that we had corresponded with over the Internet at a nice restaurant. Early in the dinner (after appetizers but before entrees), the woman slipped on the way to the bathroom and severely sprained her knee.

An ambulance was called and the boyfriend drove their car to the hospital with her. Once they had left, we somewhat awkwardly had our entrees and dessert, paid the bill and left. Should we have abandoned the dinner after the accident? If these were close friends, we absolutely would've gone to the hospital with them, but we had just met these people for the first time.

GENTLE READER: And did you really finish your meals in comfort with all those people looking at you?

Not that Miss Manners thinks that your behavior should be regulated by the glances of bystanders. But she would be looking askance at you herself -- and asking if the strangers needed help.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have long-term friends, with a delightful family. We have watched the children from infancy grow up to be bright and personable young people, and we love them dearly. The two oldest were valedictorian and salutatorian of their classes, and were accepted to Ivy League schools.

We were in a position to help them, and gave each of them graduation presents of a dollar amount to enable them to forgo student loans. We have continued this yearly.

The difficulty with our situation is the youngest child. He is a senior this year, and may graduate. He has often stated his belief that the others were foolish to study so hard and not have much fun. His grades reflect his attitude and lack of commitment.

Needless to say, he will not be going to college in the near future. What shall we do about his graduation gift?

If we give him an amount similar to his siblings, I feel it will be a reward for his lack of effort. And if we don't, it will seem like we love the others more than him, which is not the case. I know that one doesn't discuss gift amounts, but I know that our gifts to the others are general family knowledge.

GENTLE READER: As you are so fond of the family, Miss Manners hopes you will not give up on the youngest child. He may yet amount to something.

However, if the money you so generously gave the others was specifically marked toward college tuition, you need not match it. Rather you might give him, as a graduation present if he graduates, something of use in whatever he does plan to do after graduation. Ignoring his graduation would seem mean, but a note saying that you will be glad to contribute to tuition if he does decide to go to college might be encouraging.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is your opinion of a engagement party which is also a fundraiser for the engaged couple? They are upfront about it being a fundraiser, and it takes place at their house, where they are cooking a meal for cash.

The idea behind it is that the marriage is in part because one member of the couple is of another nationality and hasn't been able to earn money in this country. Because of their single income, they would like to raise money from friends for the wedding.

While I have nothing against fundraisers, combining it with the engagement party seems a little gauche to me, since many people I know feel like they must attend the engagement party or risk offending the couple.

GENTLE READER: If there is a difference between engagement/wedding festivities and fundraisers, you would not know it from Miss Manners' mail. Nearly all the bridal questions concern one form or another of extracting money or dry goods from guests.

And perhaps not-so-coincidentally, many of them refer to the partner in the engagement as being a "finance."

The overriding purpose of this event, as its hosts and beneficiaries have explained, is not to celebrate but to raise money. Those who agree that this is offensive should not attend, but this does not prevent them from showing their good will by congratulating the couple and wishing them happiness.

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