DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to an event that the initial e-mail invite described as "an evening of love" with an acquaintance who is a news personality -- in support of the animal rights charity she belongs to. I RSVPed to the group's e-mail address.

When the parking and shuttle instructions were e-mailed a couple of days later, the event was described as a fundraiser, a word that had never appeared in the original invite. (As a journalist, I was mostly going for a possible story idea, to say "hi" and, I must admit, "to network.")

I remember getting an invite from the group a year or two earlier, which asked for $40, to attend an event. This time no amount was listed, and I had no idea how much might be expected. I have nothing against the charity, but I am not a strong supporter, and it is not a cause I would ordinarily give to. I accepted thinking it was a group meeting of likeminded individuals, not a fundraiser.

Could I go in good conscience and not give anything, even if an attempt were made to make me feel guilty?

Moreover, when an "evening of love" becomes a fundraiser, are you obligated to follow through on your accepted invitation? Can you rescind the acceptance once the true nature of the event is revealed -- and must you provide an excuse, state the truth or be vague?

Shouldn't they just say upfront it is a fundraiser? I almost feel a bit snookered. Here is the part that will give you heart palpitations: Since it appears to be more of a business event than a social event, can I "just not go" without rescinding?

GENTLE READER: "An evening of love" with a "personality"? And you thought that would be free?

Here Miss Manners thought she was naive.

The answer to the last of your many questions is no. You don't have to go, and you don't have to donate to the cause, but it would be mean to cost the organization money by counting you in the total they plan to feed (presuming that that is included with an evening of love).

You need only say that you now find you are unable to attend. Canceling for such an event is not like rescinding the acceptance to a private dinner party, for which the only excuse is death. But if you want to make the point, you can simply note that you had not realized it was a fundraiser.

Or you could go, listen to the pitch and then decide whether you want to contribute to the cause. That, in theory, is how a nonticketed fundraiser is supposed to work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son was invited to the prom by a girl from another school. She said, when I asked, that he only needs to pay for his ticket if he wants, but I think as a gentleman brought up in Texas, he should pay for both. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That wherever she was brought up, a lady should know how to be a hostess and pay the expenses when she issues an invitation.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are employed at a billing center for a national durable medical equipment supplier. Our manager has recently reinstituted the business-casual dress code. We had been quite casual (jeans) for a very long time.

Is business casual the allowance of "crocs" and allowing employees to be wrapped in blankets at their cubicles during the winter months? What are the acceptable and practiced rules of business casual dress in the employment world?

GENTLE READER: As far as Miss Manners can tell, the word "casual" has come to mean that all social decencies are optional.

People who refuse to consider others -- such as not showing up when they said they would or helping themselves to other people's lunch supplies -- will brag that they are just casual sorts of people. The implication is that anyone who objects is pompously citing an unimportant technicality.

So if you think winter was rough in your office (would turning up the heat have helped?), wait until summer. The casual folk especially enjoy trashing anyone's sense of proper dress.

While "business casual" was originally intended to eliminate ties and jackets, Miss Manners urges your manager to specify what he means and drop the word "casual" from his dress code memos. Otherwise, you can expect your colleagues to peal down amazingly when it gets hot out.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For my graduation from graduate school, I do not want to order the invitations from the school-sponsored company. They are expensive and not very pretty.

Is it appropriate to either make my own invitations or use blank cards with a handwritten invitation to my graduation and graduation party?

Also, I truly do not want gifts, cash or otherwise, from my loved ones. My loved ones have generously supported me throughout my education with plenty of home-cooked meals, house-warming gifts when I first moved to the area and rides when I did not have a car.

I am planning to move shortly after graduation and do not need anything. Is there an appropriate way to convey this to them? It strikes me as rude to write, 'No Gifts Please' on the invitation. I also do not want to hurt their feelings by being rude!

GENTLE READER: Your instincts are excellent. Handwritten invitations are actually preferable to printed ones. (Even engraved wedding invitations are a practical concession to the difficulty of writing out so many invitations by hand.)

And you are right that a no-gifts statement only shows that one had one's mind on receiving stuff, which is likely but improper. Besides, Miss Manners has been horrified to hear that nowadays that is often interpreted to mean that the inviter wants money instead of objects.

But although a handwritten invitation can be ultra-formal, it can also be informal, depending on the wording. Downplaying the sense of occasion will, in this case, help one of your problems mitigate the other.

Something along the lines of "I'd love it if you would come to my graduation ceremony, and a little celebration afterward" does not scream "Major occasion! Presents expected!"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law is expecting her first child in a few months' time. She has informed us that it's very important to her to have the entire family present at the birth, and that we will be receiving formal invitations to the "birthing room party."

She and I are on cordial terms but we're not close, and quite frankly, even if we were, I would not want to be in the birthing room.

My husband feels the same. Perhaps we are old fashioned or prudish, but we don't want to watch Sally giving birth or to make a party occasion of what we consider should be a private event.

How do we decline gracefully without offending her or her parents, who are wild about the idea?

GENTLE READER: Of all the bright ideas about how to entertain, this is Miss Manners' least favorite. As she keeps pointing out, a lady never entertains guests with her legs in the air.

And why any obstetrician or midwife would agree to work in the middle of a party, she cannot imagine. (Please excuse the rant. You agree, and you just want to get out of going.)

Miss Manners recommends developing a reputation for being squeamish and likely to faint at the sight of blood. There is much use for that weakness these days. You should confess that to the family with your apologies, adding that should you be present, the medical people might have to drop what they were doing to attend to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The office that I work at has two bathrooms on each of the two floors we occupy, one on each floor for the ladies and one for the gentlemen.

What is the proper response when one is occupying the bathroom and someone comes a-knocking?

These bathrooms are of a style for single entry and lock from the inside to ensure privacy, but from the outside, there is no way to know if it is occupied or not. Some co-workers approach this by simply trying to open the door and then realizing it is locked or simply knocking gently.

What is the proper response to be made from the occupant? I have heard everything from "just a moment" to "I'm in here" and even the "hang on just a second, I'm almost done."

Also, I wonder if it is proper to wait outside the door until the current occupant has finished and then enter as soon as that one has left? Some insight would be helpful.

GENTLE READER: You don't need insight; you just need to know whether someone is inside. "Sorry, it's occupied" will do, but so will the other declarations you mention. What one wants most to hear is, "I'll be right out."

As you realize, there are also rules for the person outside, although going away is not one of them. Knocking is slightly preferable to trying the door in case there is a forgetful occupant, but not knocking repeatedly or saying what one is undoubtedly thinking.

Anyone inside knows what anyone outside is thinking and, with any luck, starts hurrying. And, Miss Manners assures you, would be all the more annoyed to emerge to an empty hallway.

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