DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are employed at a billing center for a national durable medical equipment supplier. Our manager has recently reinstituted the business-casual dress code. We had been quite casual (jeans) for a very long time.

Is business casual the allowance of "crocs" and allowing employees to be wrapped in blankets at their cubicles during the winter months? What are the acceptable and practiced rules of business casual dress in the employment world?

GENTLE READER: As far as Miss Manners can tell, the word "casual" has come to mean that all social decencies are optional.

People who refuse to consider others -- such as not showing up when they said they would or helping themselves to other people's lunch supplies -- will brag that they are just casual sorts of people. The implication is that anyone who objects is pompously citing an unimportant technicality.

So if you think winter was rough in your office (would turning up the heat have helped?), wait until summer. The casual folk especially enjoy trashing anyone's sense of proper dress.

While "business casual" was originally intended to eliminate ties and jackets, Miss Manners urges your manager to specify what he means and drop the word "casual" from his dress code memos. Otherwise, you can expect your colleagues to peal down amazingly when it gets hot out.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For my graduation from graduate school, I do not want to order the invitations from the school-sponsored company. They are expensive and not very pretty.

Is it appropriate to either make my own invitations or use blank cards with a handwritten invitation to my graduation and graduation party?

Also, I truly do not want gifts, cash or otherwise, from my loved ones. My loved ones have generously supported me throughout my education with plenty of home-cooked meals, house-warming gifts when I first moved to the area and rides when I did not have a car.

I am planning to move shortly after graduation and do not need anything. Is there an appropriate way to convey this to them? It strikes me as rude to write, 'No Gifts Please' on the invitation. I also do not want to hurt their feelings by being rude!

GENTLE READER: Your instincts are excellent. Handwritten invitations are actually preferable to printed ones. (Even engraved wedding invitations are a practical concession to the difficulty of writing out so many invitations by hand.)

And you are right that a no-gifts statement only shows that one had one's mind on receiving stuff, which is likely but improper. Besides, Miss Manners has been horrified to hear that nowadays that is often interpreted to mean that the inviter wants money instead of objects.

But although a handwritten invitation can be ultra-formal, it can also be informal, depending on the wording. Downplaying the sense of occasion will, in this case, help one of your problems mitigate the other.

Something along the lines of "I'd love it if you would come to my graduation ceremony, and a little celebration afterward" does not scream "Major occasion! Presents expected!"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law is expecting her first child in a few months' time. She has informed us that it's very important to her to have the entire family present at the birth, and that we will be receiving formal invitations to the "birthing room party."

She and I are on cordial terms but we're not close, and quite frankly, even if we were, I would not want to be in the birthing room.

My husband feels the same. Perhaps we are old fashioned or prudish, but we don't want to watch Sally giving birth or to make a party occasion of what we consider should be a private event.

How do we decline gracefully without offending her or her parents, who are wild about the idea?

GENTLE READER: Of all the bright ideas about how to entertain, this is Miss Manners' least favorite. As she keeps pointing out, a lady never entertains guests with her legs in the air.

And why any obstetrician or midwife would agree to work in the middle of a party, she cannot imagine. (Please excuse the rant. You agree, and you just want to get out of going.)

Miss Manners recommends developing a reputation for being squeamish and likely to faint at the sight of blood. There is much use for that weakness these days. You should confess that to the family with your apologies, adding that should you be present, the medical people might have to drop what they were doing to attend to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The office that I work at has two bathrooms on each of the two floors we occupy, one on each floor for the ladies and one for the gentlemen.

What is the proper response when one is occupying the bathroom and someone comes a-knocking?

These bathrooms are of a style for single entry and lock from the inside to ensure privacy, but from the outside, there is no way to know if it is occupied or not. Some co-workers approach this by simply trying to open the door and then realizing it is locked or simply knocking gently.

What is the proper response to be made from the occupant? I have heard everything from "just a moment" to "I'm in here" and even the "hang on just a second, I'm almost done."

Also, I wonder if it is proper to wait outside the door until the current occupant has finished and then enter as soon as that one has left? Some insight would be helpful.

GENTLE READER: You don't need insight; you just need to know whether someone is inside. "Sorry, it's occupied" will do, but so will the other declarations you mention. What one wants most to hear is, "I'll be right out."

As you realize, there are also rules for the person outside, although going away is not one of them. Knocking is slightly preferable to trying the door in case there is a forgetful occupant, but not knocking repeatedly or saying what one is undoubtedly thinking.

Anyone inside knows what anyone outside is thinking and, with any luck, starts hurrying. And, Miss Manners assures you, would be all the more annoyed to emerge to an empty hallway.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will get only six to 10 tickets for my college graduation. I have a clear list of whom I want to invite, but my grandmother keeps pushing me to get extra tickets to include all my aunts, uncles, cousins and other extended family and friends of hers from church.

I disagree because I feel I should invite only those who have helped me along the way, and those who I really want to be there. Most of my extended family either doesn't know me very well, hasn't helped me at all, or has repeatedly hurt or angered me over the years.

Does proper etiquette say I have to use my grandmother's list, or may I use my own list since it's my event?

GENTLE READER: What your grandmother does not seem to understand is that relatives who have hitherto shown no particular interest in you -- let alone her friends, who might not even know you -- will not be thrilled to be invited to your graduation.

In fact -- trust Miss Manners -- they will be annoyed.

It takes a strong emotional involvement with the graduate to make it rewarding to sit in an auditorium (or in the sun or the rain) listening to assorted speeches and several hundred names being called out while dodging parent-armed cameras. Your grandmother feels this involvement and must be invited, but she is dreaming to think that everyone she knows does.

Rather they will be fretting about having to come up with excuses and wondering if this means they have to give you graduation presents. (It doesn't.)

Try explaining to your grandmother, perhaps with the help of whichever parent is her child, that you would feel dreadful about appearing to impose any such obligations on others. This is a more attractive argument than the "my event" one.

If it doesn't work, you will have to fall back on your inability to get the tickets. Your grandmother will conclude that college has not fitted you to fight your way in the world, but so be it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner of 18 years and I traveled to Des Moines, Iowa, where we were married. I am overjoyed that our relationship is recognized legally, even if it is not in our home state.

When we crossed the Mississippi River on the way home from our wedding, we were once again single, at least in the eyes of the law.

I have always introduced Rick as my "partner" but would now like to use the term "husband," just like the rest of the legally married world.

Is it appropriate for me to say "husband," even when we are standing in a spot where that is not true? Is it a term I should use only in places where our marriage is recognized? Is it pretentious for two men to refer to each other as husbands? Am I wrong in wanting somehow to indicate that the legal status of our relationship has changed?

GENTLE READER: Please calm down -- wedding jitters should be over by now.

If you are going to consider yourselves married or unmarried every time you cross a border, you are going to drive yourselves -- and everyone you meet -- crazy. You got married, and are each other's husbands. Miss Manners congratulates you.

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