DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who is 12 years my junior. We have been close for at least 10 years, but since she began attending college, I've found her friendship altering from very dear to quite demanding.

She has a high regard for social justice, which I admire, but this has come to include co-opting word usage to the point of my distaste.

I have long been a lover of Victorian literature, foremost being the works of Oscar Wilde and Lewis Carroll, whilst writing fiction in such styles as a beloved hobby.

Upon rereading the Alice books, I find myself flinching at how often the words "queer" and "gaily" come up as a reminder that I may be robbed from using them in the manner Lewis Carroll and other writers have done. It now seems I'm only "allowed" to use them for the sole purpose of their modern upgrades.

I'm terribly perplexed on how to behave around my friend. In my teens, I discovered I was bisexual, and her conveniently ignoring this fact neither helps our friendship nor the goals we both share.

I have so far deduced that, for the sake of etiquette, I may only relish my books in isolation and refrain from expressing my own queer notions of gaiety in her presence.

GENTLE READER: In the hope of interesting other Gentle Readers as well as of furthering her study of mankind, Miss Manners always examines surface etiquette problems for more widely applicable underlying issues. And you have provided tantalizing clues: Connecting college attendance with objectionable traits. Squabbling about words that now refer to homosexuality. Complaining that ignoring your bisexuality is detrimental to your shared goals.

But why would your friend's education be a problem when you also have intellectual interests? Why would you, being bisexual, denounce the modern uses of "queer" and "gay" in particular, when doing so is associated with homophobia?

And if that reference to your own sexuality contains a subtext, it is too deep for Miss Manners.

So maybe the two of you are just fighting over whether some words legitimately change meaning over time, and whether writing in the style of another time can legitimately include using them in the sense of that time.

Both are true, but there are people who resist revisions and people who resist reversions. Why these people cannot disagree on this without ruining the friendship, Miss Manners cannot understand. But perhaps she missed the real subtext.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately, I've placed a few classifieds advertising for office management and financial types. I never knew I had so many friends who obviously felt no hesitation in greeting me on a first-name basis. People who are educated are addressing me as though I was a close relative.

Is there an effective way to bring to their attention that a prospective supervisor might warrant an opening salutation commensurate with their status?

GENTLE READER: "Ms. Brokenridge," or "Mr. Hightower," Miss Manners advises you to say, "I don't know that you'd be happy here. This is rather a formal office."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to use a speakerphone when there are other people in the room or car?

My husband has a hands-free phone system in his car. He frequently travels to different locations during the day and has co-workers often riding with him.

When I call him, I have asked him to let me know that there are other people listening to our conversation. Possibly something like, "Hi, honey, Jack and I are between appointments, what's going on?" This lets everyone know who is listening to the conversation.

I don't feel it's my place to say, "Are you alone?" because it makes me feel rude if there are people listening. And if he indicates he's not alone, then what do I say?

So far my husband has not changed and doesn't feel it's necessary to change.

One time his sister was riding with him and she listened to our conversation for about five minutes before I was told she was in the car. When I asked her later about it, she said it made her feel very uncomfortable that I didn't know she was listening.

Another time, I didn't know I was on speakerphone, and I told my husband where I hid the children's Christmas presents so he could steer them away from that area when he arrived home, and all my children heard the whole conversation.

After these and many more incidents, I'm sure I don't even know about, I now have only extremely short conversations with him during the daytime in case we're not alone. And I certainly don't flirt with him on the phone! What is the right way to handle the speakerphone?

GENTLE READER: That's easy; it is handling your husband that seems to be your real problem.

As you know, anyone using the telephone on the speakermode should inform the other person who else is listening to the conversation. But you have told your husband that, and neither your examples of what went wrong nor your asking him to accommodate you has worked.

Miss Manners is not a marriage counselor, so she will confine herself to the matter of protecting your conversations. You might always assume that there is someone else listening, and call out a merry "Hello, everybody; who's there?"

Presumably, your children, sister-in-law or whoever is in the car will return your greeting. And with any luck, your husband will soon tire of this and accede to your request. Or your state will pass a law prohibiting even hands-free telephones.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend whose daughter had gotten engaged and planned a wedding in August. My daughter had been engaged for five years, but because of different circumstances could not get married right away.

We do not have much family, but this July, the family will be visiting. My daughter and her fiance decided to have their wedding in July. Small wedding.

My friend called me and said that if I do have my daughter's wedding a month before her daughter's, she would never talk to me again. I told her our friendship is over then.

Am I crazy, but I find this ridiculous. My daughter's small wedding will not affect her daughter's wedding at all. We are not having any showers or parties before.

Everyone I talked to said get a new friend. What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That you should get a new friend.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I called a female friend because I felt it was time for a casual "catching up." She will be getting married in the fall, so I inquired about wedding plans.

I also brought up my birthday event, telling her to expect an invitation via Facebook. This led me down the path of my birthday event from last year, and this is where things get interesting.

Last year, I organized a rather expensive event and told people I invited that in return for their attendance, I would require $15. Most people paid me that night, and everyone else reimbursed me within the next couple months. That is, everyone but Isabel and her boyfriend (now her fiance).

Upon being reminded of the debt during the aforementioned phone call, she did not sound annoyed, nor did she question why it had taken so long for me to bring up the issue. A couple of pleasantries were then exchanged, and that was the end of the call.

A few days later, I received the following cursive handwritten note in the mail with a $20 bill and a $10 bill enclosed:

"I was unaware of my supposed year-long debt, so $30 is enclosed. To prevent such further misunderstanding and apparent lack of sleep, please feel free not to invite me to future events. Regards...."

I am wondering if I am right taking exception to what I feel to be needlessly malicious and passive-aggressive correspondence. The usage of the term "supposed" is completely erroneous, and the remark about "apparent lack of sleep" has no grounds, since I said nothing to that effect.

Also, the final phrase in the note is especially impolite given the sarcastic politeness with which it is written.

I can assure you, I was nothing but casual and calm when reminding her of the debt. Granted, I am in the wrong for bringing it up so far removed from the event, but the passage of time does not excuse money owed. In your opinion, what should be my response?

GENTLE READER: A resolution to learn from the experience.

The Honor Myself birthday party, complete with money-collecting guest-of-honor-host, has become so commonplace that many do not stop to think just how vulgar it is. But there could hardly be a greater perversion of hospitality than declaring oneself the guest of honor and then charging people to celebrate your own birthday.

Admittedly, nobody should have accepted without agreeing to your terms. But your seeming to have been brooding over this for a year (which is what was meant by the reference to sleeplessness) is a crude reminder that your hospitality was not freely offered.

Let us hope your friend remembers this as she plans her wedding and does not suggest a return, in either money or dry goods, from her guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee and I were fortunate enough to buy a large house with several extra bedrooms.

Is there a tactful way to respond to the inevitable questions along the lines of, "My, you sure do have a lot of bedrooms; any plans on filling them up?"

We love our friends and family and want to avoid being bad hosts by telling them it's none of their business. We'd love to hear any ideas you may have.

GENTLE READER: Library, study, music room, guest room, exercise room, laundry room....

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