DEAR MISS MANNERS: How would you deal with a tour guide who is prejudiced against Americans? On a trip to Great Britain, which was great fun, we had one exception -- an English tour guide who never ceased to berate our group for all the ills of the world (LOL, including Mrs. Wallis Simpson from years back).

The group as a whole just held their collective breathes whenever near her, kept a low profile and endeavored not to be rude. Afterward, there was a discussion as to how to defuse the situation without pushing the offending party off the bus. Any suggestions for next time?

GENTLE READER: Americans are so tolerant of national criticism that Miss Manners doesn't know whether to commend our good nature or deplore our lack of pride. It is not rude to object to your country's being insulted.

But she certainly admires the nerve of a British tour guide berating America to American clients. Wallis Simpson! If the guide wanted to discuss royal scandals, Miss Manners can think of a lot more recent ones that the British conducted without any help from us.

One way to handle this would be to take it as teasing and start mentioning those scandals, and perhaps other embarrassments in British history, such as losing at war with the United States. Another would be to say stiffly, "We respect your country, and we would appreciate it if you would return the courtesy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a live-in nanny, I share a home, and therefore a mailing address with my employers. I greatly appreciated a gift from them and wrote a card thanking them for it, which I mailed.

My boss said that it was silly to mail a card to someone you see regularly.

I was taught that one should always mail thank-you notes, both because it is more formal, and because it gives the recipient the added pleasure of receiving personal mail. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: A great many people now hold your notion, which Miss Manners finds odd. Historically, the opposite was true. Hand delivery was considered the only correct formal way of delivering a message -- but that was by people who employed footmen for the task.

When those were in short supply and they had to resort to the public post, they used two envelopes, so that the real message was addressed as before, with only the name of the recipient. And that, dear children, is why two envelopes are used for wedding invitations to this very day.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have had a long-standing discussion on the appropriateness and politeness of the phrases: "Please" and "May I." I feel that the request "May I have the sugar?" is as polite as "Can you please pass the sugar?" My husband feels that if the request does not contain the word "please" then it's not polite, and if you use "May I," you need to tack on the word "Please," as in, "May I have the sugar, please?" We would enjoy having your thoughts on this debate.

GENTLE READER: Your husband may enjoy Miss Manners' thought more than you: He is correct.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I attended a social function where we were meeting a lot of new people. I had a very bad cold, although I had taken some cold medicine so it wasn't blatantly obvious.

When people tried to shake my hand I would say, "I'm sorry, but I have a terrible cold and I don't want to get you sick, but it's a pleasure to meet you."

After we left my husband was angry and said that everyone thought I was either stuck up or a crazy germophobe. Now I'm embarrassed to see any of these people again.

I honestly didn't mean to offend, but I'm a nurse and I know that's one of the best ways to pass germs around. I just didn't want to be a Typhoid Mary and spread my illness to everyone.

I thought I was doing the polite thing. Do I owe these people an apology?

GENTLE READER: For trying to avoid giving these people your cold? No. For not trying hard enough? Yes.

Miss Manners is neither a nurse nor what you call a crazy germophobe. But she can tell you that the new people you met socially did not consider it a pleasure to meet someone with a terrible cold. And she can understand your embarrassment about encountering anyone who may have caught it.

Next time, please stop worrying about the cover-up. Just stay home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know there are a lot of etiquette rules regarding weddings, but this is a new one for me: My husband and I were invited to the wedding of a couple we both know and like. We do not have a lot of mutual friends, so we won't know many people at the wedding besides the bride and groom and two other people. My husband will be out of town on the day, so I wanted to bring a friend (male, but with my husband's approval) so that I would have someone to talk to and enjoy the wedding with.

My mother says that since the invitation was to "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," I cannot just bring along another, who would be a stranger to the couple.

I say two of us were invited and two of us should be able to go. What say you?

GENTLE READER: Really? The idea is new to you that people invite specific people to a wedding, rather than issuing tickets that say "Admit two"?

Miss Manners asks you to think back to your own wedding, when you weighed each name on the guest list. Would you have been just as happy if those you chose to invite had passed on their invitations had chosen substitute companions (so they wouldn't be bored having to meet your other guests)?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Under what circumstances is it permissible to taste a bite of a dining companion's food in a restaurant? My mother and I have always traded "bites" by placing a small portion on the edge of the plate of the other, or alternatively passing a small amount on a clean bread-and-butter dish. My husband is appalled by this practice. What say you?

GENTLE READER: That it would be a good idea for you to stay out of your husband's plate.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As an educator of middle and high school students for 20 years, I have had my share of interesting comments and have learned how to handle the majority of them politely and appropriately.

However, one that I still struggle with is when students ask questions about my personal appearance, such as if I color my hair, for example. Of course I believe it is none of their business but have learned that answering as such only escalates their interest.

I feel that although, in the big scheme of things, they could ask much worse questions, part of my job is also teaching them life skills, and I want to respond in such a way that they understand the inappropriateness of asking personal questions of those they do not have a personal relationship with. Do you have any suggestions of what I might say in response that would close matters such as these?

GENTLE READER: Who can doubt that teaching people not to ask nosy questions is a much-needed skill in our society?

Miss Manners is aware that you also want to encourage inquiring young minds, and that you may even have urged your students to ask you anything. So while you may dismiss these questions by saying pleasantly (as opposed to defensively) "I don't discuss personal matters," you are right to make them understand why. Especially before they start asking you about your love life.

Nowadays, you will have to begin by explaining the concept of privacy. This will not be easy at a time when it is believed that anything not paraded around in public must be a source of shame. One example might be how they feel when their parents tell cute stories about when they were babies -- nothing to be ashamed of, but not something they enjoy having spread.

Still, the young will have trouble understanding the concept of information that is kept for private enjoyment or withheld exactly because one does not want to conduct a poll about it (which is the inevitable sequel to that unwarranted inquiry). But it will be a service to humanity if you are able to introduce them to the lost concept of None of Your Business.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother and I just laid our father to rest. We are sending thank you cards, with special cards to all who helped and the small cards supplied by the funeral home to those who came to pay respect.

Do we send cards to family? Our sister has suffered the same loss as ours. What about our father's siblings, his grandchildren and our cousins? Did I mention we have a large family?

GENTLE READER: But it is composed of individuals to whom you are related, is it not?

While you do not thank other survivors for attending the funeral or doing their share of family duties, surely this is the time to reach out to them in your shared grief.

Standard cards would be offensive, and indeed, anyone who has written or paid a call or sent flowers deserves a letter of thanks. What you can do for relatives is to share any evidence of your father's esteem for them, and that is best done directly.

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